Question: I am currently in a situation where I am employed by a few of my friends who started a business together. One the partners has exhibited severe issues with drug and alcohol abuse over the past years that has led his work, health, and personal relationships to deteriorate. His partners have sat him down many times to try an intervene with the recourse of being terminated from the business. This has all happened with varying degrees of success. In the last few months, his behavior has greatly improved. He has taken month stints of not drinking at all, he is eating better, he is consistently on time to work and behaving in normal manners. Last week, one of the partners was struck with information that accused this individual of sexually assaulting two different people a year ago, during the time he was drinking heavily. I have now been asked to join an intervention for this individual to be performed asap. I am feeling uncomfortable with this request: 1. I am being asked by my employers to be a part of an intervention for my coworker and soon to be defunct boss. 2. They are asking to keep the sexual assault allegations out of the intervention, but he is not currently displaying signs of alcohol or drug abuse. It feels forced and I feel I would have to lie to go along with this. Can you offer any direction? With this brief overview of history, does it sound like an intervention is the correct thing to do? Should I put aside my underlying feelings of discomfort to offer this friend help? It all feels rushed, not clearly thought out and is making me feel uneasy.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Greetings and thank you for your question. I agree that your employers have a very poorly conceived plan and frankly, it feels like their primary concern is limiting their liability. Few problems with that, obviously many harms have been done - some allegedly and some known. Performing an intervention when someone is sober seems misguided and confusing at best. I would urge you to consider challenging your employer by simply asking, "What is the desired outcome?"

If you are forced to intervene, I would suggest doing so from a very positive direction (not what we normally associate with intervention) You could simply praise the coworker for his progress, inquire as to how you might support his efforts, and encourage him to continue on the path he's on.

You might also consider looking for healthier people to work for. If I can be helpful or answer more questions, feel free to contact me

Best,

Jim LaPierre

Question: Who can I call for help with my 33 year old son?. He is an alcoholic, He was attending AA but has relapsed. He has been on a binge in his room for 7 straight days. He drinks and passes out. Both his sister and I told him that he either needs to call rehabs or leave. He has done nothing. He knows we can't physically pick him up and throw him out. It's as if he has given up. won't do anything. Knows that we can't. I am disabled and receive Medicare. We do not have funds for private insurance, he does have medi-cal. I have no other family members or anyone who can help me with him. What do I do? just let him drink himself to death?! Can I call the police and get them to take him to detox?. I need assistance please??! Thank you.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hello and thank you for your question. I'm sorry to say that it is nearly impossible to force an adult into treatment for alcoholism or drug abuse. I urge you to have him removed from your home by any means necessary. The police would be my first stop, contact them locally through a non emergency line and ask about how to proceed. Be clear that he is a family member who has been staying with you and that he does not have a lease nor any legal claim to continue residing there.

It's obvious that your intentions are very positive - if you allow him to continue living in your home, you are enabling him to continue drinking. It's counter intuitive and sad, but removing him from your home is the best possible outcome at this time. Please contact me if I can answer other questions or concerns. Blessed be, Jim

Question: My 34 year old brother is now living in his car. He is chronically unemployable from his drinking and drug use and he hangs out with people that are 10 or 15 years younger than ne is because everyone his own age has grown out of his party lifestyle. He just got evicted so this is a new low for him but he still doesn’t see that he has a problem with substance abuse. What is it going to take for him to wake up? He just laughs it off when I say anything. This is his problem. He is really likeable and a happy go lucky person so everyone just laughs off his behaviors but if you just look at what he does it is crazy and so unhealthy. I am letting him stay in my driveway. I feel like a jerk that I won’t let him stay in the house. Am I doing the right thing? It makes me feel terrible that he is so understanding of my decision and still tries to make me feel good or laugh all the time.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hey there - thanks for your excellent question. My heart goes out to you - I know how hard it is to not enable someone you love. I want to affirm that you are doing the RIGHT thing by offering only the driveway. Enabling an addict/alcoholic happens when we protect them fro the natural consequences of their behavior. Your brother has arrived exactly where his addiction has taken him. It's hard to tell sometimes how close a person is to hitting bottom. It's unique to each individual. It seems your brother has a ways to go. Just remind him that you're there, you're concerned, and you're prepared to be supportive when he decides to make changes.

The title above is the name of a Smokey Robinson song - it explains your brother's behavior well.

"now if I appear to be carefree

It's only to camouflage my sadness

In order to shield my pride I try

To cover this hurt with a show of gladness."

You're doing the right thing. I hope and pray he decides to choose a better life soon. Please let me know if I can answer more questions or be helpful - Best, Jim

Question: can a drug rehab center make you give consent to speak to your medical doctor or the will dismiss you from the program

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi - yes, a rehab center can require this as a matter of policy. This can be a vital part of ensuring safety - especially for a person who is newly sober. Known medical conditions give us an idea of what could be happening for a person whose health is faltering or failing. I'm not sure what you're concerned about but I would encourage you to discuss it with the employees of the rehab - if there is very specific information that you don't want shared that's ok - as you look at the release that you're asked to sign, there will be space/boxes to check on the form that allow you to specify what you're willing to have shared and what you're not. You have a right to your privacy and if you're willing to have a very candid conversation with the rehab this should be easily resolved Good luck!

Question: Lets say there are 11 people in a family. One of those people is an alcoholic and that leaves 10. 6 of those people realize the severity of the situation and want the alcoholic to go to treatment and they are prepared to do what it takes to see that happen. 4 of these people would rather stick their heads in the sand and pretend like there is no problem. So if we have an intervention, which is something we are talking about doing…we have 4 very obvious empty chairs where family members should be sitting. Given this situation, is an intervention practical or recommended?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Thanks for your question and it's awesome that you're concerned enough to take action!

Getting a big family on the same page...I'm thinking of the expression "herding cats." It's uncomfortable for folks to acknowledge the truth when the truth is painful. It's easy to resent them for not supporting a course of action. Ultimately, this just creates further divide in a family. I urge you to bring together those of you who agree that intervention is necessary and to do so as soon as possible. I encourage you to get on the same page regarding not the specifics of what will be shared but rather what you want the tone to be. The most successful interventions I have seen were ones in which concern was conveyed without shame, without ultimatums, without being hurtful. We can hold loved ones accountable without being hurtful. Express what you see and how you feel about it and please bear in mind that you may only be planting seeds that grow later. We tend to judge our efforts by the outcomes but we have no control over the outcomes when others are involved. Your efforts and your expressions of love matter. Good luck!

Question: My son is married to an abusive alcoholic. I want to do an intervention. Not for her. This sounds bad but we hate her. He can not see how his wife abuses him physically verbally and emotionally. The physical abuse is not so major but she constantly puts him down in front of everyone. He makes a good paycheck and she just stays at home and drinks and when he gets home he has to clean up while she yells at him. Everyone knows she is an awful person but she manipulates and controls him and whispers bad things about us in his ear so now he barely wants to see us and he wont even come for holidays. She makes it seem like we are against her. The whole family wants to help him but he wont listen. He is in denial. Will an intervention like they do for alcoholics work to help him see that he needs’ to get away from her? We all want to do something.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

It's beautiful how much you want your son to be supported and loved.

From what you're telling me he is not ready to see the truth about his wife and it seems likely that an intervention that is designed to push him to see the truth about her is unlikely to be successful. I would encourage you to approach him with something far nore positive - that you're concerned for him. This can be communicated without attacking his wife. You can simply relate to him that he is loved and that you miss him. To state that you're concerned about him because he seems to sacrifice so much for his wife can be something you communicate in a way that doesn't leave him defending her. I'm not encouraging you to mince words or pretend that things are not as they are but rather I encourage you to offer something palatable - something he can accept. If all he hears is that he is loved unconditionally and that he has folks who want to support him in making changes that he wants to make - I'd call that a success.

It's understandable that you feel so negatively toward his wife - I urge you to bear in mind that your son chooses to be with her. She may be abusive but he chooses to be in this marriage and perhaps even feels responsible for her well being.

Large interventions are probably a bad idea - consistent messages of love, support, and acceptance of him regardless of his choices will likely yield far more benefit.

People change when they're ready or when they're forced. You can't force him - but you can make it clear that you're fully in his corner. Good luck

Question: My sister is visiting with my family over the holidays. She is on medication for chronic back pain but I think there is something wrong. She keeps nodding off all the time and she seems really spacey. She is also drinking a lot which she never used to do and she just basically looks high all the time. I have asked her about this but she just says the medications make her a little bit sleepy but they help her with pain. I am sure she is addicted to these pain killers and high all the time. But since she denies it and since she has prescriptions and it is not like she is buying off the street I am not sure how I can convince anyone else that she needs to get some help. I am frustrated because no one else sees or wants to see the problem. I am on my own and I want to know if there is some type of intervention that I can do without the rest of the family getting involved.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

I applaud you for your concern and from what you've shared with me you are wise to be concerned. Mixing alcohol with medications is always potentially dangerous and drug interactions can occur. Unfortunately, what your sister is doing is legal (based on what you've shared with me) and the only way I could see to intervene would be to involve the rest of the family. Sharing your concerns with family is what I would advise - it's too easy to pretend that this isn't happening. Your sister is unlikely to see herself as "addicted" or an "addict" yet if she is taking pain killers that are opiates then any person taking these long term will become "dependent" upon them as our bodies simply adjust to having them in our systems. I encourage you to share your concerns very candidly (walking on eggshells never works). Even if she were willing to have a conversation with her doctor about mixing meds and alcohol that would be a step in the right direction. Good luck and blessed be.