Question: At what age can a child become addicted to the internet and to playing games online and on the ipad? Of course all children like playing games but my son seems obsessive about it and if he spends too much time playing he gets really behaviorally out of control, but if you pull him away before he has had ‘enough’ he gets furious. He is 10. I am an ex cocaine addict and I see the same obsessive and compulsive glint in his eye as I used to have about drugs and alcohol. Is he more likely to have an internet addiction because of my past cocaine addiction? I am divorced and my wife does not agree that this is a serious issue so it is hard to set consistent limits on his gaming time. She lets him play as long as his homework is done and this can mean 4 or 5 or even 6 hours of play time a day, not counting the hours he sneaks in his room at night I am sure (I have caught him doing this on many times). Can he be actually addicted addicted and if he is how can I get my wife to see the forest for the trees? What is the best next step for us?

Zelik Mintz Says...:

     It is hard to quantify at what age a child might have addiction issues concerning the internet and video games because of the relative newness of the internet.  It certainly is a serious concern.  There also might be other personality issues and boundary issues that play a role in how your child responds to limits and control.  That said, your concern is understandable, particularly because of your first hand experience dealing with your own addiction.  Your son getting out of control and furious about a limit set on his internet use is concerning.  And spending a minimum of 4-6 hours a day gaming, especially at 10 years old, detrimental. 

     I doubt that your past cocaine addiction directly affects your child’s issues with the internet.  Whether you are dealing with an addiction with your son’s internet/video game use or not, setting boundaries in terms of play is paramount for his well-being.  It is very difficult to have consistent boundaries when a child is being raised in two homes that have different rules and ideas of child rearing.  Is it possible to have a meeting with a family counselor about your son’s behavior and response to boundaries?  Talking to a professional with your ex-wife and son seems indicated and would hopefully facilitate some degree of team effort for raising your son.  Different rules and boundaries at different homes is confusing to a child and may exacerbate his difficult behavioral responses.  If your ex-wife is not amenable to a visit with a counselor, it still would be helpful for you and your son to have a session with one.  Good luck.  

Question: I suck at the real world but I have a rich and varied online life with friends and foes and communities and sexual fulfillment. Online I can be whoever I want to be and people like and respect me but in the real world because of the way I look and dress people will not give me the time of day. I am 31 and I have been a nerd or loser for my whole life but online I fit in and it feels good. With technological advancements and VR I believe that within 5 years probably I won’t have to leave my virtual body for anything other than the basic physical requirements to keeping my real-self alive. Is there anything wrong with living this way? My parents are pressuring me to get therapy but I think it is ridiculous. Do you think it is necessary for me to get therapy or to presume that there is something wrong with me if the way I chose – consciously chose – to live my life harms no one else and brings me satisfaction? Why does everyone want me to be miserable in real life when I have found a life I enjoy online?

Zelik Mintz Says...:

I find your feelings about yourself and the solution of replacing real relationships with online relationships sad and misguided.  It may be true that the decision to have a virtual life instead of a life in the real world does not harm anyone else.  However, it is very harmful to your well-being and is self-destructive.  The problem is not that you are a nerd, a loser, or look and dress a certain way.  The problem is how you feel about yourself which is apparent by the way you describe yourself.  Working with a therapist is of vital importance in order for you to develop self-worth, self-respect and to work through the issues that prevent you from being able to develop relationships in the real world.  I can appreciate the illusion of having online friends and communities that also provide sexual fulfillment but it is an illusion.  The issue is not that there is something wrong with you.  The issue is how you feel about yourself and act on that by removing yourself from life and into a private isolating fantasy existence .  I understand that you don't feel your online life is isolating or fantasy.  But it is indeed based on fantasy.  It is not authentic and limits your life and relationships in profoundly dysfunctional ways.  I hope you can come to a place where you have a fulfilling and rich life in the real world. I urge you to explore therapy and possibly once you start, you can learn how self-destructive your dependance on an online life actually is. 

Question: I feel pretty stupid to be in this position but I feel like I am addicted to video games and I am failing almost every subject at college because I keep blowing off classes to play. Sometimes I even lose track of time and even though I mean to go to class I miss it. Or I play so late that I don’t have time to do essays or reading. I don’t mean to but I just get sucked in and the hours roll by. I know I should just stop but I feel like I can’t. My parents are worked so hard to pay for my school and if I tell them I am failing school to play video games they’ll go ballistic. I want to stop but I can’t tell anyone. How to stop on my own?

Zelik Mintz Says...:

Video addiction mirrors the same issues and causes as any other addiction - self-medicating pain with activity that avoids dealing with the pain and problems.  What you describe has the hallmark of any other addictive behavior - an inability to stop when you want to and the addiction affecting your functioning and relationships.  The easiest way to address your addiction is to explore the options of group recovery in your area.  Any of the AA program meetings would address your addiction.  The meetings are free and anonymous and can be attended when you want to attend.  However it may be adventageious to try and find recovery meetings that are specific to either video addiction or internet addiction.  You can find lists of meetings online.  Stopping on your own without outside support usually does not work and you say you've tried to not avail.  Try and find a meeting that you are comfortable with start attending and see if that works for you.