Question: Is it easy to get addicted to bingo? I went with my sister and she played about 20 cards at the same time. She goes twice a week. I had no idea she was so into this but she says it is a harmless socializing thing she does with her friends. What I saw was nobody talking and everyone very focused on playing bingo.

Jill Edwards Says...:

I guess it is not difficult to get addicted to something. And bingo is a good opportunity to look at what makes it tick.The social side of things is always really important. Many people learnt to take marihuana because it was something they did with their mates and smoking was a rite of passage. It is a way of identifying with others and of getting out and seeing others and in the case of marihuana the illegality made it exciting to purchase, at least in the beginning. Bingo is socialble. It is often done in groups, people will get to know others and it is regarded as a harmless way to get out of the house. It is exciting, there is adrenaline as you try to win and there is the risk that you might lose. Adrenaline is a drug, It provides an upper, makes people feel better, makes them feel luckier than their neighbours if they win. On the other hand if they lose, they are given a further opportunity to try. Just these small ups and downs are sufficient to get people hooked. It is also regarded as playing with small amounts of money, so this makes people feel safe. In fact the amounts of money probably add up.

Addictions dont usually take hold if a person has a full and varied life and different interests and sssociations, and they are fairly happy in themselves. So it may just be useful to help her to widen her interests and social life. I wonder if she is worried about her finances and trying to make a little money to help them.

It may be worth playing the innocent and saying you didnt know that people usually played so many cards and you wonder how people get so interested in it?

Question: I am addicted to slot machines. I crave that in the zone feeling. How can I get that same feeling without gambling?

Jill Edwards Says...:

I am addicted to slot machines. I crave that in the zone feeling. How can I get that same feeling without gambling? Real excitement comes from living an engaged life and it rises and falls naturally. Clearly you have a craving for the chemical results of being strongly aroused by the risks and excitements of gambling.

Gambling is a complicated process, but you should look clearly at the risks first. It may be that you can get that same feeling by bungy jumping or using various forms of drug high, but it could be that there is a hidden issue around success and failure. I would advise you to get help soon. You will save yourself a lot more money than you can make from slot machines.

You need to turn your life round in different areas so that you can do the things you really want to do, to have the life that is really your. I promise it will be better than the slot machine can promise. Please get help, get it soon and save your life for you.

Question: Is gambling as hard to quit doing as as addiction to crack or heroin? I am trying to understand a relative's very irresponsible behavior and explanation for that behavior.

Jill Edwards Says...:

It is very hard to define hard to quit. It is true that the adrenaline rush involved in gambling can be part of an almost chemical addiction, but gambling is based on experiencing the fantasy of success and the fear of failure and like most addictions brings about a very low self confidence, which is often why quitting is so difficult. At a suitable point your relative could benefit from counselling which will help him to see why gambling was his/drug of choice and put it in the context of this life experiences.

For the present, while he/she is in active mode, it is useful if you do not lend money or resources, or be at risk of their being taken. The importance of this is that this person needs to experience the results of their actions in order to have a real opportunity to make changes. This can be hard but it helps in the end. This is more effective than shouting, imploring, understanding or supporting the person.

You and others can explain that this is not because you do not care or love the person, but simply that you cannot help, there is nothing that you can do that will help the person. They need to make up their mind. All you can do is to avoid distorting reality for them, by being helpful after the gambling has taken place.

There is always an explanation, in which they avoid being fully responsible for their actions, but it is their accepting responsibility which will bring about recovery.

Please do contact Gambling Anonymous and ask for support for yourselves. You are the people suffering most at the present as you are standing in the light of reality and bearing the consequences instead of your relative and taking the hard road, really needs some support, both to give you strength and give you a chance to re-constrict your thinking.

Yours

Jill Edwards

Question: I think my 16 year old son might have a problem with gambling. He has been playing cards with some other students from his school for about a year now and I know they play for money. I have asked him to stop but he has not. Sometimes he seems to have a lot of cash around and sometimes I have noticed that things form his room suddenly disappear, like he needed to sell something to pay off his debts. He seems really stressed but he won’t talk to me about what’s going on and he does not admit to having a problem. My father was a bad gambler so I feel like I know the signs. My dad tried to kill himself once, so I also know how devastating this disease can be. My son is not listening to me. I would like to know what is the next step I should take?

Jill Edwards Says...:

I hear that you have tried to talk to him and he won’t talk to you, that he does not think he has a problem. I hear you have asked him to stop but he has not. I understand that you know about gambling because of the experience you have had with your father and I agree with you that your son appears to be at least over involved in gambling and it is affecting his income.

I understand that having experienced your father’s gambling you are naturally concerned about what is happening to your son, however it seems that your son is not prepared to listen to you now and you will not benefit the situation by continuing to chide him. I suggest that you do try to stand back and let him learn from his experiences. You should make sure that your possessions are safe and you do not support him with money when he is short. You can continue to be available for him when he is ready to discuss the issue, but you cannot impose your experience on your son.

I also suggest that you get some support for yourself. It is difficult to stand back and let him learn, but until he does, you will not have the basis for a conversation that is useful. You may like to approach Gambling Anonymous or a similar group and see if you can get into contact with family members groups that can support you in the tough job ahead. You could find out if other parents at the school are concerned about the gambling and see whether parents as a whole can take some action, but it is likely that if you stop this gambling practice he may just as easily get involved in other more dangerous ways of gambling.

Question: If my husband is hiding how much he is gambling and losing from me does that mean that he has a gambling problem. I just found out that he has lost more than 3000 from our retirement savings. I never check this but then I saw that he had kind of hidden our statement which I thought was weird and which is why I looked.

Jill Edwards Says...:

I would imagine that someone who lost 3000 from my savings would be having a relationship problem with me and this would be a lot worse because it had been hidden from me. I think you probably feel surprised, angry and perhaps hurt. I think you need to attend to your own feelings as they may be a good guide to your responding to this situation. As they say about addiction to alcohol, if it is costing you more than the money, then it is probably an addictive issue. Clearly if you have millions then 3000 is not an issue, but I suspect this is not the case.

Clearly, if his gambling is causing him to hide his behaviour and is taking from your joint future security this is a serious issue which needs to be addressed with some professional help for him and open financing where you know what is happening to your joint money. I suspect that this is not the first time that you have been concerned about gambling, or perhaps with other addictive behaviours. You will do well to let him know that you have seen the figures and to discuss with him where you and he want to go from there. I do not know him, so I have to check with you that he will not respond in any way where there may be a danger to you. Otherwise you would need to have someone there to support you.

It is quite a difficult job supporting someone whose behaviour is in a sense out of control, and it would be good for both of you to contact Gambling Anonymous for support. For you issues around supporting someone who needs to become independant and manage their own life effectively arise as well as wanting to care for someone, when in fact some discipline, some understanding of the consequences of the actions they take are also part of a healthy relationship.

I would be very happy to support you by e-mail and telephone meetings. You may like to look at my website at www.invitationtotalk.co.uk and contact me from there.

Question: If video lottery terminals are the most addictive form of gambling what is the safest or least addictive way to gamble? Is playing a game like poker less addictive because there actually is a lot of skill involved and not only chance and flashing lights?

Jill Edwards Says...:

What an interesting question. One of the significant facets of addiction is the situation where you get a very quick positive response to what you do. I dont know video lottery terminals, but I suspect that you can very quickly pay the money and play the lottery and then potentially get big or small rewards. Learning to quickly adapt to positive responses was a useful part of our evolution, but unfortunately it means that we pay more attention to the immediate effects, rather than to the long term effects of addictive behaviour.

I am interested in the judgements which are inherent in your question. Is gambling better (less addictive) if you have to be skilled at it? Perhaps some people would say that this is where gambling becomes a game rather than a bad habit. But many types of computer game can also become addictive. Beyond the immediate response making these activities addictive, there is also the production of adrenaline and this drug is in itself addictive. It is a natural chemical high and we get used to having it, and eventually seek situations where it will be produced and gambling is one of those situations.

Of gambling is not just addictive for all these reasons. It is also an activity that people gravitate to for various personal reasons. People may feel rejected or not worth while for any number of reasons and think that by making that one big win all their problems will be solved. People may want more out of life than they are getting, life may feel empty. They may want to make money to help someone else. I believe that some business people are gamblers, choosing a real live game.

I think you have a real question, when is gambling a game and when is it gambling? You can tell if you are prepared to factor in the long term results rather than the immediate effects. Where these results, take you away from the real directions in your life, or cause you, your relationships or your material wellbeing harm, then you would be wise to get help as soon as you can.  You can contact me at mrsjilledwards@gmail.com