Question: My brother in law brags about his sports betting but the strange things is that he and my sister have to live in a tiny apartment because they never have any money. What is up with that then? He claims to have a football betting system that can’t lose. He bets on every game every week and for each game he places multiple small bets like first half score and other things and then he doubles up on any bets he loses until he wins it and then he stops. It is a pretty smart system if you are willing to do the work but where he goes wrong is he never stops betting when he wins so the money never comes in. He won’t admit that he has a problem and he argues that it is like a scientific program. He has an answer for everything. My sister is getting really fed up with him. How can I make him admit or at least see that he has a gambling problem?

Donna Hunter Says...:

Unfortunately too often the addict will not hear when we say they have a problem. I used to have a little poster depicting a guy running down the street with a big pointed finger shooting a lighting bolt behind him. It said We don't change when we see the light, we change when we feel the heat. It sounds lie he has not felt he consequences of his actions.

It might be helpful for your sister to contact Gam-anon. It is a 12 step program that is for people who are in relationships with problem gamblers. She could use some help and support as she deals with the addict in her life.

Question: My brother came to me for a loan. He is a gambling addict. I swore I would never give him money again but he came to me with 2 broken fingers and he said that he was going to get killed unless he paid some gangsters back what he owed. I gave him $5000 but made him promise he’d get help. It was the first time he actually admitted what everyone has known for a long time – That he is an addict. So now what’s the best kind of treatment for him to get. My parents will not give him any more money but they will help pay for treatment. So if money is not really a problem, what’s the best thing for him to do if he is really serious about stopping for good?

Donna Hunter Says...:

If your brother will commit to some kind of treatment it needs to include Gamblers Anonymous attendance. He needs the support of other gamblers. He may also benefit from a family type of meeting, where everyone who has enabled his gambling and has been hurt by his gambling come together to let him know his gambling loss safety net is gone. As family members you will need to deal with the issues that allowed you to enable his behavior.

If your parents will help to pay for treatment there are many treatment centers around that treat behavioral addictions. It will take some research to find a suitable facility. Your brother should be a part of that search. He needs to demonstrate his commitment. To get started you could search for gambling addiction residential treatment.

Question: This is really messed up. I started with online poker about 6 months ago and for a while I was doing really well. At one point I was up more than ten thousand $. Now I am down almost the same amount and the big problem is I have borrowed money from my employer to pay off some of my debts thinking I only needed a short term loan and now I don’t have the money I need to pay off my new loans, and I am getting a lot of pressure pay up. I have about 1500 and I need at least 5000 by next week. A big part of me seriously wants to gamble for the money but a small part of me knows that this is just digging the whole deeper – another part of me just doesn’t really care and just wants to get online and play. I am so stressed out and that just makes the urge to play stronger. I need to get control of myself now or I am going to lose it all. How can I stop gambling right away? What do I have to do to get back in control?

Donna Hunter Says...:

It sounds like you know that you are not going to become rich by gambling. That is a start. It also seems that you are beginning to see the connection between gambling addiction and the craving to use despite the negative consequences. The gambling at this point has triggered off a response in your brain. Your logical self knows it is a dead end street. Your emotional self is looking for the next big high. The trouble is that with any addiction- gambling included, you are chasing your first high/win. You will never have a first win again. It will never feel as good.

So how do you quit right now. Go to Gamblers Anonymous. Go to their website, read their literature, get away from the computer at times that you are most vulnerable- times you used to play. If possible unplug all together. Spending time with recovering addicts is the best way to get clean. They have been there, done that. They know when you are fooling yourself because they have tried the same tricks: managing use, trying to put artificial controls into the behavior etc. That is only a temporary fix. They say with addiction there are only three consequences of use- go insane, die or recover. You are experiencing the insanity; trying to continue to use, feeling helpless, frustrated and knowing the shame of use. Dying comes when the consequences of use are too much; suicide, taking a loan from the wrong people. Recovery means learning how to live life without gambling and without using any addiction as a way to deal with feelings and negative beliefs about yourself.

The choice is yours, everyone has a bottom. The question is how low do you have to go before you get help.

Question: I have a real gambling problem. I am thinking about registering for a self exclusion ban that would make it illegal for me to gambling in any casino in the state. I am kind of scared to do it even though I know it is the right thing to do. You can choose to ban yourself for a year or for 5 years or forever. Should I choose a year to start with to try it out? These bans are not reversible and a year would be a big step for me and maybe I could get myself sorted out a bit by then. I have just finished losing my child support payment money for this month, which is the same thing that happened last month. I would have already gambled the rent money away but for I live with my mom again so I don’t have to pay it.

Donna Hunter Says...:

Signing up to ban yourself does not change you. It only puts you a stop further from your addiction. While that can be good for the short run, it does not solve the physical, mental emotional and spiritual crisis you are experiencing. With gambling- there is no amount of money that solves this problem. You could have millions and you would still gamble it away.

So the question is what are you going to do to - as you say -"get myself sorted out a bit". You have children who depend on you. You are not independent yourself. You mention that you don't pay rent because you live with mom. You know that to live with mom it does cost her to support you.

In my opinion you need the support of Gamblers Anonymous or another program of recovery. you can't do this yourself. Folks who try to do it themselves generally are still unhappy, have switched addictions or relapse.

So do you ban yourself- if you believe it would help... it certainly won't hurt. But ultimately you will have to make a complete change in your life to recover.

Question: I am in Uni and I have a gambling problem. I have tried doing the whole gamblers anon thing but the sanctimoniousness of those people really grates on me and I’m not much for group things either. I have been trying it though and in the end it is just not working for me. My financial situation is really f***ed and my parents have no idea how bad it is or that I’ve already passed through a fund that I inherited a couple of years ago, but for me I don’t think that not ever never gambling again is ever going to be an attainable option. When it gets going I just feel this pressure and it feels l I just have to go and do it just so I don’t have to keep thinking about it every second of the day. I have really tried to fight this and it’s really not doable. Can I learn how to gamble more sensibly? I don’t think abstinence is for me but I can’t keep on going like I am now. Is there some sort of gamblers for moderation group out there that would make more sense for people like me who want to get things under control but can’t really stop altogether?

Donna Hunter Says...:

Even in the world of alcoholism there are programs that support moderation or harm reduction. This is about taking steps to mitigate the disastrous harm an addiction will cause, i.e., using clean needles instead of dirty ones, not keeping alcohol in the house etc.

What I am hearing is that you have dug yourself in pretty deep. Perhaps you have gotten out of the financial mess gambling creates- if so that is great. But from what you write, you are in the hole and instead of digging with a shovel you want to dig with a spoon. Unfortunately, that means you are still digging.

The other issue of concern is that you are living a double life. You family is not aware of how bad things have become. It is amazing what happens when we face the fear and at the very least become emotionally and mentally clean with the wreckage of our lives.

So let’s step out of the gambling issue for a moment. Aside from gambling, what are you doing for your financial health? You have to eliminate the fantasy that one big win will fill in the hole. You know the odds on that are not good. Do you have a budget? Are you dealing with loan sharks or bookies? Are you living above your means to maintain your double life? Taking action and cleaning those issues up can help. It may mean dropping out of school and getting a job or two. You must take responsibility for the damage you have already caused.

You might want to look into programs like Smart Recovery. It is not GA but it is an approach to help you deal with the addictive thinking.

No matter how you deal with it, the urge to gamble will be there. If you do not act responsibly and stop lying to yourself and others you will have a hard time getting out of the hole.

Question: My 7 year old son is always wanting play on these free games websites for kids. They really are websites that are designed with kids in mind and with basically only age appropriate games – nothing too violent or too sexy or anything like that. I don’t let him play very much because I don’t think that these games do him as much good as playing outside or with his imagination, but he loves them so I do relent and let him play a couple few times a week. But last time I did he showed me this ‘really cool’ site where he could win real money and prizes – and what it was, was basically that you played games and you could win tickets for playing well in games. And then when you had enough tickets you could enter into competitions like bingo games or draws to win cash and prizes. Here is the website I am talking about. http://www.candystand.com/play/bingo http://www.candystand.com/prizes Is working to earn tickets so you can spend them to try to win contests of chance to win money so very different from in real life working to earn money so you can spend it on contests of chance to try to earn more money? Isn’t that called gambling? Isn’t it bad to be teaching young children how much fun it is to gamble? I mean the website basically makes itself look like a slot machine. Am I crazy or should sites like this be allowed to prey on children in this way?!! Am I crazy here…?

Donna Hunter Says...:

People who advertise will do anything to keep you buying their product or in this case keep you on their website. That is their job.  Offering toys and prizes to children would of course keep them in the game.  As far as advertising will go , we are the consumers, even for our children.  If we don't like a product or service, do not buy or use them.  That is what stops  predatory advertising.

The research on gaming and its effects on mental health is new and spotty at best.  There are those that see gaming as helpful and beneficial and those who see it as isolating and harmful.  I am in the middle of the pack seeing that anything we do in moderation is okay.  There are pluses to gaming and the social interaction it offers.  There are some real down sides as well.

As a parent I do have a concern about a game, that encourages kids to enter into games of chance.  The research on gambling and how it effects the brain is much more convincing.  There are reasons that casinos and online gambling sites look the way they do, sound the way they do... it is all to increase a sense of dissociation.  The thrill of the win effects the brains neurochemistry and can become addictive over time.  Even at a carnival the concept of winning tickets is common, but the child is able to convert the tickets to a real prize.  They are not risking it all on a game of chance.

Over all, you are the parent.  Leaving him unattended to find other game sites, is like leaving the barn door open and hoping the  animals will stay inside.  At 7, his thinking is still black and white, one online game is fun so is this other one.  He doesn’t have the ability to discriminate what is best for himself in this area.  Having him play computer games that are skill building and not online, allows you to know the content and he is not able to switch over to something else when you are not in the room.  If he is online, stay with him. If he moves to a game that you are not comfortable with him playing, you redirect him to what is okay.  He may protest, but right now you still have some control about what information is going into his head.

You have created balance for him.  He has a limited amount of time to play.  That is the real world.  We have time to work, time to play, time to take care of responsibilities, time to socialize etc.  If we only did the things we wanted to do, not much would get accomplished.  Encouraging his imagination is very important.  That can be done outside, interacting with friends and yes on the computer.  You have to be in charge of what computer interface he is using, and how long he uses it.  I am sure you don’t let him stay outside all night just because he is really enjoying riding his bike and pretending to be a NASCAR driver.  We are in charge of setting  limits and boundaries so are children are safe and so they can learn to set limits and boundaries on themselves later in life.

Question: My son has a gambling problem. And in the past couple of years he has taken a couple of substantial loans from us and not payed them back and he has even stolen from our family business to cover his gambling debts. I am not angry anymore because I recognize that he has a disease and he did a lot of things he never would have normally done because he was not really in control of himself. Now he has completed a gambling treatment program and he is going to GA and he says he is doing good and he has not gambled at all for 6 months. He does not have much an education and he is finding it very hard to get a job right now. He has some debts he needs to pay off to which makes things harder for him. We have a family business which involves selling imported handicrafts at festivals and fairs around the state. He has always worked with us and he can make a good living doing it and now he is asking for his job back. He says he is ready and we can trust him now. But the problem is it is very easy for someone working a festival on his own to skim the sales without our knowledge. This is why we only have family working with us. I am worried that it will be too much temptation for him to be able to have access to a lot of money. Maybe the only reason he can control himself now is because he has no money to lose? How can I tell if he is ready to come back to work and control the money again?

Donna Hunter Says...:

Your son should be commended for going to rehab and following through with GA. Hopefully he is actively working on the12 steps, has a sponsor and has created a relapse prevention plan. Regaining trust is not a simple task. Of course there is a desire to help him now that you see that he is helping himself, however you are correct in assuming that having money in his pocket is most likely a trigger. Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease for everyone involved. Being on the road and handling large sums of money would be difficult. An addict has to have a strong plan of action to deal with the impulse to use when they are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT) or feeling any kind of emotion. Addicts use substances and behaviors to alter uncomfortable feelings.

He is in the position of needing to win your trust back.  That means you get to be in charge of how many restraints and controls you put on him when it regards your family business. Do you send him with someone else who is in charge of the money? Do you ask to talk to his sponsor? Do you have him show you his relapse prevention plan? How is he going to continue to make GA meetings while traveling? Do you just say "we are sorry but we don’t trust you yet"? You have to decided what you are most comfortable doing, even if it is not what your son wants to hear. For an addict being clean for five months seems like a long and substantial time. But when you compare it to the amount of time he was gambling, is it really a substantial time? What things has he done now that deals with having cash in hand? How has he handled it?

Unfortunately there is no hard and fast rule of readiness. Ultimately this is a question of: Are you ready to trust him with that much responsibility?