Question: My son forged my name as a co-signer on a loan and because of his latest round of gambling, defaulted on the loan. It's now in collection and they are demanding payment. I'm wondering if I should pay or tell the collection agency that it's not my signature.

Evan Jarschauer Says...:

This is a powerful question with no easy answer. You are not alone; families all across the country have had to ask me the same question in one form or another countless times. You love your son, and you want him to stop gambling, while at the same time, you resent the behaviors of the compulsive gambler. Although the immediate crisis might be averted by simply paying off the debt, that may only prolong the inevitable emotional and financial carnage to come. Furthermore, if he forged your name one time to secure a loan, how can you be sure he will not try to do the same thing again?

On the other hand, if you tell the collections agency that your son forged your name on the paperwork for the loan, they will probably encourage you to report the matter to the authorities which could lead to legal problems for your son. Nevertheless, he may actually need to experience the consequences for his actions before he finally agrees to get help.

By allowing your son to “hit bottom,” you may actually be helping him reach a point in his life where he can gain enough insight through a series of highly negative experiences and consequences, to accept the fact that he has a real problem that requires real treatment. Like I said from the beginning, there is no easy answer to your question; however, you are in a situation where you have to take action one way or another.

And as you make your decision, keep in mind that compulsive gambling is similar to drug addiction, if the underlying issues contributing to the disorder are not effectively treated, the symptoms can get progressively worse. Although you may be in a financial position to pay off the debt, after you consult with you financial advisor and attorney, you may want to take just a little more time to carefully consider the long term implications of your decision.

Finally, you may also want to consider planning a professional gambling intervention to explore strategies to thoughtfully, effectively, and strategically capitalize on the situation as it applies to the welfare of your son, the sanctity of your family, as well as your financial reputation.

Question: Is there a program that has treatment for compulsive gambling and alcoholism? Or, if my brother has a gambling addiction and he is also an alcoholic which one should he focus on first? One always leads to the other so even when he gets one under control it never lasts for long.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you for your question. The short answer is no - I'm not aware of a program that targets both addictions. My truth though is that to a certain extent, addiction is addiction is addiction. The only addiction that is unique is food addiction because that's something a person has to do everyday. All other addictions are things we never have to do again if we choose, do the work, and get the support we need.

Gambling makes your brother want to drink and drinking makes him want to gamble. Unfortunately, neither are manageable and the two together are just that much worse. Earnestly working a program like AA requires accountability and if he is willing to share all of his struggles with a sponsor and make a commitment to living one day at a time, both addictions can be overcome.

Seeking out an expert in addiction counseling would likely be beneficial as well. It's lovely how much you care about his struggles - keep reminding him that you're there is he wants to invest in Recovery.

Very best,

Jim

Question: My brother in law brags about his sports betting but the strange things is that he and my sister have to live in a tiny apartment because they never have any money. What is up with that then? He claims to have a football betting system that can’t lose. He bets on every game every week and for each game he places multiple small bets like first half score and other things and then he doubles up on any bets he loses until he wins it and then he stops. It is a pretty smart system if you are willing to do the work but where he goes wrong is he never stops betting when he wins so the money never comes in. He won’t admit that he has a problem and he argues that it is like a scientific program. He has an answer for everything. My sister is getting really fed up with him. How can I make him admit or at least see that he has a gambling problem?

Donna Hunter Says...:

Unfortunately too often the addict will not hear when we say they have a problem. I used to have a little poster depicting a guy running down the street with a big pointed finger shooting a lighting bolt behind him. It said We don't change when we see the light, we change when we feel the heat. It sounds lie he has not felt he consequences of his actions.

It might be helpful for your sister to contact Gam-anon. It is a 12 step program that is for people who are in relationships with problem gamblers. She could use some help and support as she deals with the addict in her life.

Question: Is it easy to get addicted to bingo? I went with my sister and she played about 20 cards at the same time. She goes twice a week. I had no idea she was so into this but she says it is a harmless socializing thing she does with her friends. What I saw was nobody talking and everyone very focused on playing bingo.

Jill Edwards Says...:

I guess it is not difficult to get addicted to something. And bingo is a good opportunity to look at what makes it tick.The social side of things is always really important. Many people learnt to take marihuana because it was something they did with their mates and smoking was a rite of passage. It is a way of identifying with others and of getting out and seeing others and in the case of marihuana the illegality made it exciting to purchase, at least in the beginning. Bingo is socialble. It is often done in groups, people will get to know others and it is regarded as a harmless way to get out of the house. It is exciting, there is adrenaline as you try to win and there is the risk that you might lose. Adrenaline is a drug, It provides an upper, makes people feel better, makes them feel luckier than their neighbours if they win. On the other hand if they lose, they are given a further opportunity to try. Just these small ups and downs are sufficient to get people hooked. It is also regarded as playing with small amounts of money, so this makes people feel safe. In fact the amounts of money probably add up.

Addictions dont usually take hold if a person has a full and varied life and different interests and sssociations, and they are fairly happy in themselves. So it may just be useful to help her to widen her interests and social life. I wonder if she is worried about her finances and trying to make a little money to help them.

It may be worth playing the innocent and saying you didnt know that people usually played so many cards and you wonder how people get so interested in it?

Question: My fiancé likes to play blackjack. I do not like it and I always ask him exactly how much he wins or loses. Last weekend he went to the casino and he told me he lost $200. Then I saw a text on his phone from one of his friends saying he needed the $1200 my husband borrowed back right away. He denied it but then he told me that he lied because I treat him like a child when he is only spending his own money. I don’t know what to think. He works in a cash business so it is hard for me to know how much he gambles. I see that everyone he works with drives a nice car and we are always month to month. How worried should I be by this? If I listen to my friends I should be very worried…

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thanks for your question. My heart goes out to you. It's difficult to gauge from this limited information whether or not he has a gambling problem, but the fact that he lied to you about it is a red flag suggesting he does. More importantly, he lied to you and that's likely to undermine your trust moving forward. I would suggest working out a budget in which you agree to a discretionary amount for entertainment. Living month to month doesn't really afford one the luxury of gambling. We can only risk what we can afford to lose. Listen to your intuition and try not to analyze. Best wishes, Jim

Question: I am a gambler. Why can’t I stop? I have lost everything and everyone? There is no hope for me I have tried everything and I can’t resist it.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

A lot of folks tell me they're hopeless, a lost cause, or otherwise too chronic, too far gone. Look, here's some tough love - if you didn't have hope and didn't want to believe then you wouldn't have asked the question. My guess is you're fighting a losing battle to resist temptation. Just avoiding temptation doesn't work - you need to be very involved, work very hard, allow yourself no free time (at least in the short term) and get yourself surrounded by people who understand addiction. You need accountability.

Gambler's Anonymous works - a lot of programs work - and there are pragmatic steps you can take as well. If you're hitting up casinos, get yourself signed out - most offer a legally binding option in which you prohibit yourself from entering the establishment for a fixed period of time or permanently.

If you have supportive others, ask for help in managing money. You can't bet what you don't have. Cut up your credit cards.

Wake up every morning and make a choice - say this out loud, "Today I can choose to continue rebuilding my life, or I can choose to feed my addiction."

Work your ass off. Have some dignity. Get right.

Question: I am addicted to slot machines. I crave that in the zone feeling. How can I get that same feeling without gambling?

Jill Edwards Says...:

I am addicted to slot machines. I crave that in the zone feeling. How can I get that same feeling without gambling? Real excitement comes from living an engaged life and it rises and falls naturally. Clearly you have a craving for the chemical results of being strongly aroused by the risks and excitements of gambling.

Gambling is a complicated process, but you should look clearly at the risks first. It may be that you can get that same feeling by bungy jumping or using various forms of drug high, but it could be that there is a hidden issue around success and failure. I would advise you to get help soon. You will save yourself a lot more money than you can make from slot machines.

You need to turn your life round in different areas so that you can do the things you really want to do, to have the life that is really your. I promise it will be better than the slot machine can promise. Please get help, get it soon and save your life for you.

Question: My brother came to me for a loan. He is a gambling addict. I swore I would never give him money again but he came to me with 2 broken fingers and he said that he was going to get killed unless he paid some gangsters back what he owed. I gave him $5000 but made him promise he’d get help. It was the first time he actually admitted what everyone has known for a long time – That he is an addict. So now what’s the best kind of treatment for him to get. My parents will not give him any more money but they will help pay for treatment. So if money is not really a problem, what’s the best thing for him to do if he is really serious about stopping for good?

Donna Hunter Says...:

If your brother will commit to some kind of treatment it needs to include Gamblers Anonymous attendance. He needs the support of other gamblers. He may also benefit from a family type of meeting, where everyone who has enabled his gambling and has been hurt by his gambling come together to let him know his gambling loss safety net is gone. As family members you will need to deal with the issues that allowed you to enable his behavior.

If your parents will help to pay for treatment there are many treatment centers around that treat behavioral addictions. It will take some research to find a suitable facility. Your brother should be a part of that search. He needs to demonstrate his commitment. To get started you could search for gambling addiction residential treatment.

Question: Is gambling as hard to quit doing as as addiction to crack or heroin? I am trying to understand a relative's very irresponsible behavior and explanation for that behavior.

Jill Edwards Says...:

It is very hard to define hard to quit. It is true that the adrenaline rush involved in gambling can be part of an almost chemical addiction, but gambling is based on experiencing the fantasy of success and the fear of failure and like most addictions brings about a very low self confidence, which is often why quitting is so difficult. At a suitable point your relative could benefit from counselling which will help him to see why gambling was his/drug of choice and put it in the context of this life experiences.

For the present, while he/she is in active mode, it is useful if you do not lend money or resources, or be at risk of their being taken. The importance of this is that this person needs to experience the results of their actions in order to have a real opportunity to make changes. This can be hard but it helps in the end. This is more effective than shouting, imploring, understanding or supporting the person.

You and others can explain that this is not because you do not care or love the person, but simply that you cannot help, there is nothing that you can do that will help the person. They need to make up their mind. All you can do is to avoid distorting reality for them, by being helpful after the gambling has taken place.

There is always an explanation, in which they avoid being fully responsible for their actions, but it is their accepting responsibility which will bring about recovery.

Please do contact Gambling Anonymous and ask for support for yourselves. You are the people suffering most at the present as you are standing in the light of reality and bearing the consequences instead of your relative and taking the hard road, really needs some support, both to give you strength and give you a chance to re-constrict your thinking.

Yours

Jill Edwards

Question: I think my 16 year old son might have a problem with gambling. He has been playing cards with some other students from his school for about a year now and I know they play for money. I have asked him to stop but he has not. Sometimes he seems to have a lot of cash around and sometimes I have noticed that things form his room suddenly disappear, like he needed to sell something to pay off his debts. He seems really stressed but he won’t talk to me about what’s going on and he does not admit to having a problem. My father was a bad gambler so I feel like I know the signs. My dad tried to kill himself once, so I also know how devastating this disease can be. My son is not listening to me. I would like to know what is the next step I should take?

Jill Edwards Says...:

I hear that you have tried to talk to him and he won’t talk to you, that he does not think he has a problem. I hear you have asked him to stop but he has not. I understand that you know about gambling because of the experience you have had with your father and I agree with you that your son appears to be at least over involved in gambling and it is affecting his income.

I understand that having experienced your father’s gambling you are naturally concerned about what is happening to your son, however it seems that your son is not prepared to listen to you now and you will not benefit the situation by continuing to chide him. I suggest that you do try to stand back and let him learn from his experiences. You should make sure that your possessions are safe and you do not support him with money when he is short. You can continue to be available for him when he is ready to discuss the issue, but you cannot impose your experience on your son.

I also suggest that you get some support for yourself. It is difficult to stand back and let him learn, but until he does, you will not have the basis for a conversation that is useful. You may like to approach Gambling Anonymous or a similar group and see if you can get into contact with family members groups that can support you in the tough job ahead. You could find out if other parents at the school are concerned about the gambling and see whether parents as a whole can take some action, but it is likely that if you stop this gambling practice he may just as easily get involved in other more dangerous ways of gambling.