Question: My longtime girlfriend has gained so much weight, I don't know what to do. When we started dating 10 years ago she was maybe 180lbs, but over the years her weight has really crept up and is now over 500 pounds. She is really starting to have trouble getting around, but still she loves to eat like its not a problem. I am looking into getting a scooter for her so that she doesn't have to struggle so much to get around--but the most the 'heavy duty' scooters carry is 500! She's already past that! I'm worried that this will keep going, I don't know what to do. I really don't want to hurt her feelings about it and show her that I love her no matter what size she is!

William Anderson Says...:

It's great that you are so supportive and loving, making it clear that that you love her and you are with her and supportive of her no matter what. Nagging and threatening is what most people do and it doesn't help. It just makes matters worse. 

If you have not made it clear how worried you are that you will lose her, do it now. Ask her to go to counseling with you. Look for a counselor who has expertise with couple's or family therapy and also with eating disorders. Use the "Find a Therapist" function at Psychology Today.

She will probably resist at first. Be patient, don't nag, and persist gently with the request. There will come the day she says yes. Make the call, set the appointment, and I'm sure it will help get you going in the right direction. 

Question: If my food addiction is because of my trying to fill a hole in my life with eating how am I supposed to fill a hole that I have never in 41 years been able to fill so far? It feels kind of hopeless. I honestly don’t understand why I eat so compulsively but I can recognize that my ability to control myself gets worse when I am upset or emotionally drained. I have a lot of self worth issues that come from a verbally abusive mother who never once said a kind word to me. She died 4 years ago but her critical voice lives on inside my brain. Part of the problem for why I feel so depressed is because I never had the guts to confront her for what she did to me before she died. I don’t feel I am worthy of love even though I am married to a wonderful person. I know in my brain that she loves me but in my heart I keep looking for the real reason that she is with me. It is so embarrassing to be so fat that I have to eat small portions in front of other people and then go home and pig out later on.

William Anderson Says...:

No matter how old we are, it is never too late to find out more about ourselves, address the critical problems that trouble us, and improve our lives. Forty-one is the perfect age to set out on that journey. 

You have described several key issues that must be addressed if you are to find peace and health, and none of them are simple or easy. However, the good news is that they are common and very treatable. An experienced therapist will be able to help greatly. Don't try to fix these things on your own. You'll make fast progress if you get the right help and you'll save lots of time and heartache.

Find a local therapist to help you with the depression, the loss of your mother, and your self-esteem issues. The "Find a Therapist" feature at Psychology Today is probably the best resource for that. Don't waste any time setting up an appointment for this. The sooner you get going, the sooner you'll start feeling better. 

Food addiction is a complex problem and your questions cannot be answered in a short article. Get my book The Anderson Method and take your time reading it slowly and carefully. It will teach you about food addiction and what you can do to manage it so that you can have a healthy and satisfying life. It will answer the questions you have posed here and address the issues you have raised.

When you have done those two things, let me know how things have gone and if you want suggestions for next steps, I'll have them.

Best wishes.

Question: What can I do to help my mom who is very obese and I am worried about her health. I think she is addicted to food. She is 36 and she has diabetes and high blood pressure. I do not know how much she weighs because she will not tell me but it is probably around 300 pounds. She tells me she does not have a problem but I think she is addicted to sugar for sure and junk food. I am scared she is going to die but she won’t listen to me!

William Anderson Says...:

I think you have a very good grasp of the situation. It's very hard to watch someone you love in the grip of a potentially deadly addiction and it's not unusual for your loved one to completely deny the problem and do nothing to change, even when it is hurting them and everyone around them. 

Al-Anon is an organization that was formed to help families of addicts. It was originally formed to help the partners and children of alcoholics, but the issues and problems that are present with all addictions are similar. If you click on the link and start learning what that will lead you to, you'll be on the way to doing exactly what you need to do to help yourself and your mom to deal with this very troubling problem. 

It will also help you to understand more by reading my book, The Anderson Method . That will educate you about food addiction and weight control science so that you can avoid being led astray by a lot of the weight loss nonsense that is advertised in the weight loss marketplace, a terrible jungle of misinformation and medical quackery. 

You don't say how old you are, but with your mom being 36, you must be a young person. I admire your maturity and concern for your mom and I advise you to talk about this with another adult that can help you, like a counselor at school or church. You want to make sure the adult you talk to is trained in professional counseling, because a lot of well-meaning adults can advise you improperly if they do not know what they are doing from a clinical or psychological perspective. 

Whatever you do, try to avoid being critical or shaming. Sometimes people think that put-downs, nagging and guilt mongering will help, but that only makes things worse. Do tell your mom how much you love her and how scared you are. Ask her to get help from a qualified professional.

Please take the suggestions I've made here and write back to let me know what happens. 

Question: I have realized that I have what I guess is considered a food addiction but I am only addicted to food when I am in times of stress. At other times I eat too much but it is mostly out of habit and accustumation but when I am very stressed out I NEED to eat a lot. So I do not know what is my real problem. Is it that I have a food addiction problem that is related to stress or if I have a stress problem that leads to food for coping? Is it important that I figure this out? Here’s the big problem though. Whenever I try to diet I get really irritable and stressed out and when I am stressed I always can’t control my eating. So it is like a catch 22. What can I do?

William Anderson Says...:

Yes, you have a food addiction. Yes, it is related to stress. Yes, you have a stress problem that leads to food for coping. Yes, it is important to learn more about it. 

Your big problem, that "Whenever I try to diet I get really irritable and stressed out and when I am stressed I always can’t control my eating" is the problem all us food addicts have. It is not unusual. This is the problem that food addiction is.

You need to learn more. Read all my articles here at Choosehelp.com. Read everything at my website The Anderson Method Website , and all the articles listed in the Table of Contents at the bottom right corner of the pages. Read my book, The Anderson Method. Google "Overeaters Anonymous", "Food Addicts Anonymous", "Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous", and read everything you find there. 

To make it easiest, start with my book. I wrote it as a single source to teach what your problem is and how to address it. 

After you've read my book and as much of the other stuff as you can, write back and let me know how you're doing and what you're thinking. I'll help in the best way I can. 

Question: I usually eat out of a drive through on the way home from work. Because of all the sugar and I tend to get hungry an hour or two later, so I have a second dinner with my family again later. I am overweight and my family gives me a hard time about this so I usually hide the fact that I already ate once on the way home from work. It is also embarrassing. I feel very hungry after work and I have a hard time resisting eating. I have tried to switch to snacking on sliced vegetables on the drive home instead but this doesn’t reduce my desires for more satisfying food. I am actually getting concerned because I am really trying to eat less and I can’t. I have an hour or longer commute and if I try to not eat I just can’t stop thinking about eating the whole time. Do I have bad eating habits or an addiction? How can I tell the two apart?

William Anderson Says...:

The "snacking on vegetables" idea never worked for me either. After munching on carrots and celery, I felt like I really needed something good, and deserved it too, after putting up with the rabbit food. 

An addiction is like a habit that controls you, instead of you controlling it. In fact, some treatment programs for heroin addicts are referred to as "habit management" programs. Habit or addiction, it doesn't matter what you call your eating problem as much as finding out how to solve it. 

I and my clients have had the same problem you have, in spades. A lot of well-meaning people think they know how to solve it and will offer lots of advice and then wonder why you can't do what they do. They will call you weak-willed or accuse you of not wanting to get control and change. They just don't know what you are fighting. We do. It makes sense for you to think of your problem as a food addiction, find out more and find out how to beat it. 

Prepare yourself to work. People who think solving this problem should be easy with some tricks or tips or that they can get someone else to solve it for them will not get anywhere. You'll need to do some reading and practice some new state-of-the-art psychological techniques. The solution is complex and few people know of it. However, once you find out what to do, it is entirely solvable. 

Visit my website to learn more, and get my book, The Anderson Method, to learn about food addiction and the behavioral program to beat it. 

Don't feel bad about your addictive eating, all the feelings you have related to it, or the lack of understanding that other people have. You are OK. You can solve the problem. You need to learn a lot more and get to work on it. 

Question: I think I am a food addict. Is overeaters anonymous going to be helpful for me or are these types of meetings missing the point?

William Anderson Says...:

Go. Get started learning everything you can about food addiction. Google OA. Google Food Addicts Anonymous and Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. Read. Go to some meetings. Read all my articles here at ChooseHelp.com about food addiction. Read the articles at my website. Read the article at my website answering the question, "Is there such a thing as food addiction?" and read about my solution as well as others.

Food addiction is real and it can be solved. When you solve it, you will know more and be better off than people who never had the problem. Get started.

As far as OA meetings or anything else missing the point, learn more, and then you decide.

Question: I feel like I need sugary drinks. If I can’t get one I feel like I am dying for it. I am not overweight but I am worried about my weight and I am gaining weight. I try to cut down but I can’t. Am I addicted to sugar? I am 17. How do I get unaddicted to sugar? My mom and aunt have diabetes too. So this is not a good thing for me at all.

William Anderson Says...:

Food addiction is real and sugar is the worst. With your experience and your familial predisposition to diabetes, it would be good for you to start looking at refined sugar as a poison. Refined sugars do not exist in nature and food companies have found they can get us hooked on sugary products and make lots of money, just like drug dealers. In fact, it would be good to start looking at all the sugary things they sell as drugs that are killing us, because that is the truth. 

If you could start thinking this way and eliminate sugar from your diet, it would not be long before the need for sugar dies off, like a detoxification process from any drug. Set a date to get off sugar, "white knuckle" it for a while, and it will get better. 

Tell yourself, your family and your friends that sugar is a poison to you, like an allergy, and maybe your influence will help them. Campaign to have all sugary things removed from the house.

While I have expertise with other mental health issues and all addictions, food addiction and weight control are my specialties, and here below is something that I have written before to teach about food addiction:

Food addicts have been telling people about food addiction for years and have been largely rejected by everyone, even addiction "experts". However, the evidence is in and it is overwhelming. People get addicted to food. Brain imaging scans show that the brain activity that occurs with sugar is the same activity that occurs with cocaine and heroin. The activity that occurs with sugar thoughts and cravings is the same that occurs with cocaine thoughts and cravings. It isn't your imagination. It is real.

However, even though some people needed pictures of brain activity to be convinced, anyone paying attention to clinical diagnostics and the experience of compulsive overeaters and binge eaters should have seen the obvious ages ago: some people have the same addiction experience with food as you see with addictive drugs.

Here's the list of criteria that's used to diagnose substance dependence in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the official publication of the American Psychological Association. Substance Dependence is the clinical term for addiction:

1. Tolerance, as defined by either of the following: (a) A need for markedly increased amounts of the substance to achieve intoxication or the desired effect or (b) Markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the substance.
2. Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following: (a) The characteristic withdrawal syndrome for the substance or (b) The same (or closely related) substance is taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
3. The substance is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than intended.
4. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control substance use.
5. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the substance, use the substance, or recover from its effects.
6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of substance use.
7. The substance use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance (for example, current cocaine use despite recognition of cocaine-induced depression or continued drinking despite recognition that an ulcer was made worse by alcohol consumption).

One must have three of these things occur in a one-year period to make the diagnosis. Many "foodies" have had more than three of these things for years, continuously. Food addiction is real and it is common. The foods that are most often cited are sugar, salt, and fatty foods. We are prone to get addicted to anything highly pleasurable or palatable.

Successful therapy for food addiction targets management, not total abstinence. You can abstain from sugar and sugary food, but not food altogether. My successful therapy for permanent weight loss is based on the addiction model, but our goal is not abstaining form food. It can't be. Our goal is a managed behavior, and we are successful with a highly structured program of eclectic therapy, more than we can describe here. You can learn more about it at my website, http://www.TheAndersonMethod.com .

Please let me know what you decide to do and how it goes.

Question: What does it mean if I feel very uncomfortable eating in front of other people. I am overweight. I have no problem eating per se but I will never eat until I am full. I always eat very sparingly and then eat much more on the way home alone. Does this mean I have issues with food that go beyond typical overeating?

William Anderson Says...:

Yes, you are developing disordered eating and a complex set of issues or "complexes" related to your self esteem and relationship with others, as well as your own feelings, your body and your eating behavior. 

This is not a simple problem that you can figure out on your own. However, if you get the right help, it does not need to become a difficult problem. Call and set up an appointment with a licensed counselor that specializes in eating disorders. You will soon be on the road to some peace of mind and good health regarding this problem.

Rest assured that you are not alone or weird. Lots of other good people have had this problem and have solved it with the right help. Make that appointment today.

Question: Can a small child have a binge eating disorder? What is the youngest age a person can be and have an eating disorder. My nephew is 9 and he doesn’t seem to be able to control his eating at all. When I watch him eat it doesn’t seem right. It is like he is trying to get in as many calories as he can in every meal..far more than he could ever need. His parents are both very obese and so is he but they don’t shovel it in like he does at meal times. It is disturbing to watch. They are worried about him but they do not know what to do and they do not have much money.

William Anderson Says...:

There are a number of disorders that can result in strange behavior in children, and it is always a mistake when parents neglect to take their children to the doctor when something is not right, either physically, emotionally, mentally or behaviorally. 

While I am not suggesting the child has Prader-Willi Syndrome, it is one example of a disorder (in this case genetic) that results in a ravenous appetite and voracious overeating. There are all sorts of treatable disorders like ADHD and kinds of autism that will result in behavioral problems that will get worse if the parents do not have the child properly diagnosed and treated. 

These parents need to admit they do not yet know enough to know what to do. They need to take the child to a pediatrician and work with the doctor until they are sure what the problem is. Doing nothing is not OK and doing the wrong thing is worse.

You are family and have a place in this. If they are worried and don't know what to do, show them this Q&A and tell them they need to make the appointment. Being short of money is not an excuse for withholding necessary medical care for a child and there are serious consequences when caregivers do this. 

Best wishes that it all goes smoothly once the right course is set and that everyone in the family is feeling and getting better once you are on it. 

Question: Is military school a good option for my 14 year old son who already weighs over 320 pounds. We have tried everything to get him to lose weight and to live healthier and he just refuses to change. He is a sweet mild mannered kid and he is smart and funny but he just east too much and won’t exercise. He is already type 2 diabetic and his doctors are already pushing us toward bariatric surgery. To my mind he has a disease that is killing him and I am ready to do something extreme to try to save him. There is a military school about 45 minutes away that will take him and the admission counselor assured us that that would get him into shape within a semester. He is a very sensitive boy and he would hate it and probably get teased a lot. My wife is very worried about this and not sure he should go. Do you think this is a good option for someone who is so dangerously overweight at such a young age?

William Anderson Says...:

You don't provide any information about what individual and family counseling you have engaged in, which should be your first work to do, way before discussions of surgery or any other intervention, not to mention sending him to military school. You don't say how your son feels about this option, other than saying you think he would hate it and get teased a lot. It seems to me that the red flags are already waving in front of you to tell you that this is a bad idea. It is. 

Forget about military school. If you want to enroll him in a school that offers treatment for his obesity, take a look at Mindstream Academy. You can also look at Wellspring Camps.

If you haven't already done so, start with weekly individual and family therapy with a licensed counselor who has experience in adolescents, addictions, eating disorders and family counseling. 

If you are unwilling to set up long-term counseling for your son and engage in long-term family therapy while changing what the therapy reveals must be changed, drop the subject with your son and don't bring it up again.