Question: How can i help my litlle brother who's an addict ; depressed ; have suicidal thoughts and lost the meaning of his life

William Anderson Says...:

The best thing to do is find a close-by addictions counselor who is licensed to provide mental health counseling and make sure he or she is available to give you an appointment right away if you are able to convince your brother to go with you. Then, in a loving and caring way, tell your brother, in a face-to-face meeting, that you love him and you are very concerned and want to see him get better from this crisis, that you know life can and will get better if he takes this step. Take him, not send him, for this appointment and be there with him. If he refuses, call your local crisis center, describe the situation and ask them what to do. Do all this today. Don't waste time. It's important to do this right away.

Question: I started working the overnight shift 3 years ago. I am on my own all night long and I get a lot more money than working in the day but ever since I started doing overnights I started gaining a lot of weight. I am not eating more than I used but I have gained 40 pounds in the last 3 years and whenever I try to diet it does not work at all. I have tried every diet. I am convinced it is because I am eating when I should be sleeping. I am also depressed now. Do I have to quit my job to lose weight and stop feeling so depressed? I have high blood pressure so I am worried about my weight gain.

William Anderson Says...:

While 40 pounds seems like a lot of weight to gain, that amounts to an energy imbalance of only 130 calories per day, which could be the result of hormonal changes coincidental with the change in your sleep pattern. 130 calories a day is not much, the energy equivalent of a potato or a beer or a chicken breast. Or there could be other reasons, such as eating only a tiny bit more than you used to before the shift change, or other processes of metabolic change unrelated to the shift change. It doesn't matter though, because you can lose that excess weight with the right approach, and changing back to the old shift will not automatically make the weight go away if that's all you do. 

No matter what you do related to the shift change, to get rid of the weight you've gained, you'll need to engage in a behavioral program to achieve the proper energy deficits. I have never had a client not lose weight in a satisfactory way with my method, and almost all of them were referred to me after describing the sort of difficulty you have described in your letter. If you are near one of my therapists, you could engage in the program with them, or if not, you can learn about it in my book. 

Don't fret or be discouraged. Your problem is solvable, the kind of case I deal with successfully every day. I have never had a client follow my method and not lose weight. However, don't think it's going to be solved by itself or without effort. When excess weight is gained, regardless of the cause, it can only be reduced with hard work to learn a valid weight control method and use it. The rewards though, are terrific!

In the meantime, get a checkup with your doctor to check all possibilities and make sure you tell him about your depression too. 

My website lists the therapists who have been trained in my method. The Anderson Method Website

Here is Amazon's page for my book: The Anderson Method Paperback. The Anderson Method at Amazon

Question: My brother has a rough last 6 months or so. We lost our mom to cancer after a long and very tough battle and then he was blindsided by a job loss and his longtime girlfriend ending their relationship, all with the last couple of months. Since that time he has been really knocked off kilter. He has always been a once or twice a week visitor at my place for dinner with my family but about 6 weeks ago he started coming around a lot less and for the last few weeks he hasn’t come at all. His friends also say he hasn’t been around much lately. Now, every time I call in the middle of the day I catch him still in bed. He has never been a lazy person who would stay in bed all day so I know that this is a sign of something seriously wrong. When I ask him what’s up he says he has been having trouble sleeping lately so he is watching a lot of TV at night. When I ask him if he’s been looking for work he says that he has been, but judging by his appearance every time I go over and the growing stack of empty beer bottles in the garage I am not sure that he could have been looking very seriously. I think, and my sister agrees with me, that he is depressed, and it is kind of understandable why he would be. I broached the subject with him and he agreed that he was feeling kind of down lately. I suggested that he go talk to someone about this and he kind of agreed that it would be a good idea but he hasn’t made any moves to actually doing anything about it. I feel like he knows that he needs some help but for some reason he can’t bring himself to actually go out and get it. I am very frustrated and worried. It’s like seeing someone with cancer admit that they have cancer but not be willing to go to the doctor for the treatment that could save their life. How can I make someone who doesn’t want to help themselves (because of their depression) go and get the help that would make them feel better. It’s like a catch 22.

William Anderson Says...:

It doesn’t sound like your brother is resistant to getting help. Sometimes people who get clinically depressed get so down and so stuck that it seems like they are paralyzed. They can’t get up and face the day, go out or even make a phone call. I’ve had clients who were in bed for weeks and didn’t even go out to the mailbox to get the mail. They would try, but just couldn’t get themselves to do anything. That’s real clinical depression.

In clinical practice, it’s not at all unusual that the patient shows up for their first appointment driven there by a relative. Otherwise, they’d still be stuck in bed. The brother, sister, spouse or mother made the appointment for them and then showed up to drive them in. A high proportion of patients start their recovery from depression this way.

Expect that your brother needs this kind of help and will just get worse unless you intervene. Find a psychiatrist and call and to make sure he or she is taking new patients and explain that you want to bring your depressed brother in. Then set up a time for you and your sister to visit. When you visit and you all talk about getting better, tell him you want to set up an appointment for him to see someone, someone he can talk to who specializes in depression. When he agrees that it’s a good idea, call and make the appointment or leave a message with the doctor’s office right then and there. You make the appointment, and have your brother write it on his calendar. Then go and pick him up and go to the appointment with him. Do not count on him going on his own.

People who do not understand depression think that people should just “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” and that they need to “take responsibility”. This is ignorance that has created a lot of suffering.

Your brother is lucky to have family close by that cares and wants to help. Now you know what to do. Write back and let me know how it goes.

Question: My wife passed away last year and I am a single dad to 2 preteen kids. I have had episodes of depression earlier in my life and I am concerned that I am sliding back into another depressive state. It would be very difficult for my children were I to become seriously depressed, after they lost their mother just last year. Are there any preemptive steps I can take to stop this slide into depression before it is too late?

William Anderson Says...:

I am so sorry for your loss. It is all of our worst fears.

This answer to your question is a resounding yes, there are very definite and effective measures you can take to ward off a serious episode of depression and the negative effects it would have on you and your kids. It's wonderful that you have this insight and the determination to do something about it.

The first thing to do, if you haven't already done it, is to get all three of you into grief counseling with a therapist who specializes in it. Your situation is known as a "Complicated Grieving", and someone who specializes in it will know exactly what's needed. They can save you a lot of time and heartache. Find a licensed therapist who specializes in grief counseling. You might call your local Hospice to get some names, or they might ask you in themselves. You can also look up listings for counselors and therapists and look for one that specializes in grief work.

The counselor you work with will also be able to point you in the right direction regarding your struggle with depression. You don't say how you treated it in the past, whether or not you got professional help, but if you didn't, now's the time. If you did, it's time to get back together with a professional that treats depression, and that's usually an office that has both counselors and psychiatrists, in case a medication is in order.

I hope this helps, and you get on the phone as soon as you read this to make appointments. I'm sure everyone who reads this will be pulling for you. God bless you. Best wishes.

Question: This is going to sound a little strange, but our dog died a few weeks ago and my wife is taking it really hard. She really loved that dog and since she couldn’t have kids she sort of treated it like a child in some ways (it’s hard to explain). Anyways, I was quite sad when we had to put her down and I knew it was going to be much harder for my wife, and it was. But now even weeks later she barely wants to leave the house, she cries at any time of the day and most of the time she just wants to stay in bed or on the couch staring at TV Shows she never usually watches and there isn’t much I can do to change her mind and get her to cheer up or to come out and the things we normally enjoy doing. Is it normal to be this affected by the death of a pet? It seems to me like she is depressed and the death of the dog sparked it off but now it is something beyond grief. Do I need to get her to see someone or will this work itself out in time?

William Anderson Says...:

A pet's death can be as traumatic as any other loved one's. It can often be more devastating than one that other people think "should" have meant more. You don't have to explain. It's normal to be very affected by the loss of a dear pet. We form attachment and grieve their loss. Your wife's grief is real and needs attention.

I think you are right that she needs help from professionals. She may be suffering a clinical depression that will require some medical attention before it improves. It would be a mistake to think that waiting for it to work itself out is a good idea. That could take a long time, or it could get worse. Risking it getting worse or prolonging the suffering is a poor choice when action is almost guaranteed to improve things in a matter of days. She will benefit by seeing a mental health professional that can evaluate her needs and set her on a course for relief of these symptoms of depression. She may benefit by medication. She will benefit by grief counseling. You will all feel better as soon as you make an appointment. You should seek a mental health therapist who can provide grief counseling and connect with a psychiatrist if medical treatment is appropriate. 

Take action today and things will get better. Best wishes.