Question: I have depression but I don’t feel better even though I am no longer in a difficult situation that caused my depression. I was in a work situation where I was systematically belittled, undermined, gossiped about and bullied for 18 months by a group of workers who were related and that were resentful that I got a higher job than they had. They got everyone in the company to sabotage and torpedo everything I tried to do so I would look incompetent. The harassment got so bad that I went to my employer but he wasn’t interested in helping and he told me that if I couldn’t do the management part of the job I would get demoted. I started feeling sick a lot from IBS and I had to take time off quite often which meant I couldn’t meet my objectives and my contract was not renewed. It was a horrible experience but it ended 2 months ago and I still don’t feel any better. I thought my depression would go away on its own after I was no longer faced with daily harassment. Will it?

Mark Hughes Says...:

Hello, and thanks for your quesion.

The short answer is that I can't predict what will or won't happen, and couldn't even if I knew a lot more about you and your situation. The fact is you are still feeling this, so what to do about it.

Certainly being out of the situation removes some pressure, though of course there may be others from the new situation. This may not help, and may be keeping the underlying susceptability active. Ultimately, there is usually something in us that gets us into situations like this, and often continues to do so until we realise something needs to change in ourselves. This might be how we respond to those feelings, our own attitude for example.

This is where working with a professional can help, not because they have the answer, but because they can help you see more clearly what is there and help you find a way to meet your inner needs. This can help you create better situations in your life, as well as making you less susceptible when difficulties do arise in your external situation.

One of the difficulties I experience with feelings of sadness, is accepting them and being with them. It is the fact we instinctively want rid of such unpleasant feelings that makes this so difficult, which again is where working with a counsellor or therapist can help, though it needs someone with experience who doesn't see the aim as getting rid of the feelings but rather to help you learn how to allow, accept and transform them.

Good luck. This is the most difficult, but the most worthwhile work, and for all the awfulness of depression it can also be an enormous opportunity if you are lucky enough to be able to make use of it.

Mark

Question: Diet soda and mental illness – any link I should really worry about as the father of a depressed adolescent young man who drinks more than a quart of diet soda a day. He’s been through enough so I want to pick my battles appropriately. I don’t want to nag at every little thing.

Mark Hughes Says...:

My first thought is that you won't help your son by trying to stop him doing something that he seems to be doing for his own reasons. If he's depressed, maybe this helps him cope with his feelings, so telling him you think he's drinking too much soda isn't very helpful from his perspective. It sounds like you realise you are expecting too much from him.

As a son, he wants so much to make you proud and feel your love, so if he can't live up to what you want of him, that will be very painful for him.

So take a look at your expectations, and try to separate out what are your needs--such as for him to be healthy and happy--and what might be his need for you to love him and express that love when he is unhealthy and unhappy. This might help you decide what is "appropriate" (or helpful), and what is not.

You don't say how old your son is, so it is hard for me to advise other than to caution about your current line of thought, but in general I'd look for a way to support him and co-operate to help him get *his* needs met. As a parent this is difficult, especially when you feel responsible and often powerless when a son is in adolescence. You need to find what is an appropriate balance between setting boundaries (which varies according to his age) and allowing him to make decisions for himself, and to make and deal with the consequences of his actions.

I suggest this is very difficult, and that there is no correct answer, just the best you can do as his father at the time. What matters most is that you care and that he experiences that you care, even though he may not thank you for it.

It is also ok to ignore my cautioning and suggestions, and to trust your own judgement, so long as you take responsibility for those choices and the consequences (e.g. rather than blaming him should you or he fail in your own eyes). He'll learn a lot from a father who can do that, or can at least try!

There's something very special about the love between a father and son so its great to receive a question from a father who is so caring and wants to help his son. I wish you and your son the very best.

Question: I feel really hopeless right now. All I do is go to work 6 days a week and I hate my job but at least it gives me something to do because on Sundays, and this is really sad, there is nothing that I even want to do. I have no money for expensive outings or vacations and everything I could do, I have done a thousand times and can’t really get excited about doing again. I have honestly tried doing new things, like I actually went and got my old roller blades out of my parents garage to try that again because I used to like doing it, but now it just feels so stupid and I also feel kind of ridiculous. I can’t remember the last time I was excited about doing something rather than just going through the motions. I just don’t know how to snap out of this.

Mark Hughes Says...:

Hi,

It can be pretty awful when we get stuck and can't seem to get back to feeling good. The encouraging thing here is that you can see that you're stuck, because that means you can try and do something about it... although as you've pointed out, you've been trying and are still stuck.

I don't have the answer here, how could I, but I think that by asking me you are doing the right thing evenso. Because when we are stuck, we need to bring in something - awareness - to help us, and reaching out and telling someone else is an excellent way to do this. By asking me, explaining to me, you may or may not get some useful suggestions or ideas from me, but just as important, you bring more of your own intuitive energy to the issue.

The difficulty with this is that it doesn't generate an answer quickly, so needs to be given time, and not too much thought. Because thinking (analysing and looking for solutions) blocks the imaginative and intuitive side which is needed when we get stuck.

Seeing a counsellor who understands this (someone who works intuitively rather than cognitively) may help with this, or talking to a friend who doesn't just respond with solutions, but listens creatively could help too.

But even if these are not possible, you can cultivate these aspects in yourself. The web has a lot of resources, also books and so on. But you need to be very selective because most of what is out there is biased towards logical, analytical and cognitive/behavioural ways of approaching a problem, and my guess is that is what is stuck here. The logical mind is great for solving problems, but if it gets stuck, you need to brings something new in, and this is exactly what your intuitive and creative aspects can do.

So I suggest you allow yourself to be open and keep exploring - like you did with the roller blades. That sounds like it was an intuition at least in part - for example, returning to a younger side of yourself. What was it like at the time you *did* enjoy roller blading? What were you like? How are you different now?

Maybe there are some clues in there - things to try - not just to do again, but to bring into the you that is now in some new way. I'm guessing here, but you can do that too, but try to do it without looking for *the* answer. Allow yourself to stay open rather than go off and persue each idea that you "think" might be the answer. Trust not knowing more than the chance you found the solution.

Good luck, and if you want to ask a bit more or let me know if this sounds useful or not, by all means get in touch via my website (http://therapy-online.co.uk).

Mark

Question: I started working the overnight shift about 3 months ago and after about a month I started to feel a lot more fatigued and sad than I normally am. It obviously has something to do with my change in routine, since nothing else in my life has really changed and nothing bad has happened. I sleep Ok in the daytime but I never wake up feeling refreshed. Do you think one of those really strong lights people use for winter depression might help me, since I never really see much daylight? I think it might fix my problem but I do not want to buy one since they are expensive unless it is likely to work.

Mark Hughes Says...:

It sounds like you're pretty sure this is worth trying. I can't tell you whether or not it is going to work for you. Some people have told me that these lights helped alleviate their feelings of depression. I don't know anyone who has used it in your situation, but it makes sense that it could help.

If you're worried about the cost maybe you can borrow one from someone, or try one out on a sale or return basis? If not you need to consider whether the chance of improving your sleep and wellbeing are worth the risk of wasting some money.

I wish you well and hope you find a way of improving how you feel.

Mark