Question: Can a husband get counseling and stop being violently abusive? Is this possible or is this a pattern of a person’s character?

Carole Gilmore Says...:

This is a challenging question in that it can have multiple answers. Someone offenders go through in depth counseling or participation in an intervention group and recognize the error or their ways and consciously decide to change. In other cases the result may be just the opposite. In short, the person has to want to change and in order to change they may need to seek professional help. I would encourage you to seek assistance from a domestic violence agency or a practitioner that will at the very least be able to assist you in the development of a "Safety Plan."

Question: My boyfriend gets so drunk sometimes that he blacks out and doesn’t remember what happened the night before. He is trying to control his drinking because I asked him to and he doing really well but once in a while, about every 2 months or so, he slips up and goes on a binge that can last 2 or 3 or even 4 days. This happened last weekend and he confessed to me that he woke up in the morning with a woman in his bed. He called me right away and he confessed to me what had happened and he swore he had no memory of how it happened. He is really sorry but where does that leave me? Is getting really drunk actually a good enough excuse to f**ck another person. We were talking about getting married and now I don’t know what to do. I am dealing with a lot of emotions and I am so sad and angry that he could have been so stupid that he might have destroyed our future together. Do you have any advice for me?

Carole Gilmore Says...:

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation.  I would advise you to ask yourself what you believe you deserve in a relationship.  Understandably you care for your boyfriend, but it may be time for him to care of himself. Meaning until he decides to take his drinking seriously (i.e., seek professional assistance because he believes he has a problem not because he is trying to please you or anyone else) he may not be in a position to be committed to anyone, including you. Marriage presents its own challenges and if your boyfriend is allegedly struggling with a substance abuse problem you may want to put marriage on hold for a bit and seek counseling for the issues that you guys are presently facing.