Question: Can a husband get counseling and stop being violently abusive? Is this possible or is this a pattern of a person’s character?

Carole Gilmore Says...:

This is a challenging question in that it can have multiple answers. Someone offenders go through in depth counseling or participation in an intervention group and recognize the error or their ways and consciously decide to change. In other cases the result may be just the opposite. In short, the person has to want to change and in order to change they may need to seek professional help. I would encourage you to seek assistance from a domestic violence agency or a practitioner that will at the very least be able to assist you in the development of a "Safety Plan."

Question: My boyfriend gets so drunk sometimes that he blacks out and doesn’t remember what happened the night before. He is trying to control his drinking because I asked him to and he doing really well but once in a while, about every 2 months or so, he slips up and goes on a binge that can last 2 or 3 or even 4 days. This happened last weekend and he confessed to me that he woke up in the morning with a woman in his bed. He called me right away and he confessed to me what had happened and he swore he had no memory of how it happened. He is really sorry but where does that leave me? Is getting really drunk actually a good enough excuse to f**ck another person. We were talking about getting married and now I don’t know what to do. I am dealing with a lot of emotions and I am so sad and angry that he could have been so stupid that he might have destroyed our future together. Do you have any advice for me?

Carole Gilmore Says...:

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation.  I would advise you to ask yourself what you believe you deserve in a relationship.  Understandably you care for your boyfriend, but it may be time for him to care of himself. Meaning until he decides to take his drinking seriously (i.e., seek professional assistance because he believes he has a problem not because he is trying to please you or anyone else) he may not be in a position to be committed to anyone, including you. Marriage presents its own challenges and if your boyfriend is allegedly struggling with a substance abuse problem you may want to put marriage on hold for a bit and seek counseling for the issues that you guys are presently facing.

Question: Is there such a thing as self help marriage counseling? For example, a self help course that we could both do together as an exercise to improve communication and reduce the number of stupid fights that we have in a week. We both love each other but we are going through a rough patch right now and we would both like to stop things from sliding in the wrong direction. Unfortunately, a lot of our problems are caused by job loss stress and financial stress so paying for therapy sessions is probably not a good option for us right at this moment.

Rebecca Ashton Says...:

Hello and thank you for your question.

I'm sorry to hear that you are both having a difficult time. When someone loses a job, it can also be like losing their
identity and their self confidence, so there is often far more at play
than the financial considerations. I think that it is a very positive
sign that you can recognise where your difficulties lie, identify
what you would like to change and most of all still focus on the love that you have for each other.

There are a number of self help books on relationships available that your partner and yourself could look at together which could be a step in the right direction. You could also look at books which help to improve your communication skills. Additionally, there are a multitude of online resources that you might both find useful-a quick Google search or Amazon book search will yield plenty of results and then it is a case of you both looking through for something that you feel suits your specific situation.

I feel that it would be worth looking to see what other help is available within your means in your area. Here in the UK, many therapists work on a pay-what-you-can-afford basis which helps prevent people from being hemmed in by their financial circumstances. We also have an organisation called Relate who specialise in relationships. They have offices all over the country offering affordable therapy, mediation and support as well as some fantastic online resources on their website. Perhaps there is an organisation like that where you live? Relate have a really useful tool in the form of a quiz that you could both do if you are able to access the link;

http://www.relate.org.uk/arguments-questionnaire/index.html

I'm afraid that without knowing where you are based, it is difficult for me to give you more specific information. Perhaps asking a doctor or doing an internet search to see what is available locally would be a good place to start.

Many therapists offer the first session for free, so it could be worth going along to one and explaining your circumstances and seeing if they can signpost you somewhere or recommend any useful books/websites.

I hope this helps and wish you both luck for the future.

Question: How do you deal with a person that continually threatens to harm themselves as way to manipulate and control you?

Dr. Ari Hahn Says...:

The question is deep and complex, but you give no background to your particular situation. So I can only give you a "textbook" answer, that might not fit well to your particular situation.

The real key here is maturity. Not on the manipulator's part, since he or she is not acting maturely. Rather on your part. By maturity I mean taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, and putting a boundary between you and the manipulator.

The message implied here is: I love you, but I cannot control you or your actions. I certainly will be upset if you harm yourself, but I cannot control you and I do not want to control you. Ultimately, it is your choice to harm yourself or not. If you think you will harm yourself you should go to the hospital. Since I care about you, if you need that to stay safe, I will help you with that. But I will not control your behavior, and of course, I can't let you control mine.

You have to be ready to stand your ground and not be controlled and not be controlling. Both sides are important. It is also important to be ready to call 911 if you think that the person will harm themselves or the person asks you to make the phone call (even if you think he or she is "testing" you.)

Question: I am embarrassed in a way to even write this question. My daughter is way too serious with her boyfriend. They are both in high school and they are both 17. She is going to college next year and he is not. They are both so young. Now they are fighting so much about what they will do next year and she is very depressed and worried that they will drift apart once she goes away to school. She wants them to go to couples therapy to strengthen the relationship. She has even talked about marrying him before she goes!!! I find the idea insane but she is so distraught and she has been almost hysterically worried and upset for more than a month. To the point where she is losing weight because she can’t eat. I am not sure what to do with her. Should I support this idea? The last thing I want is to see her run off and get married. Would a therapist help them to realize how they need to keep their options open? They do not listen to me anymore. They are just children still. He is a nice enough boy but the whole world awaits her and she needs to see this. I was trying to just let things run their course but I am worried they are going to do something rash.

Steve McCready Says...:

A good therapist isn't going to tell them what to do, but will attempt to help them explore the choices and tradeoffs that are available to them, as well as explaining to them how the state of falling in love affects our feelings and perceptions.

It sounds like she's caught up in being 'in love' still, and that does make it hard for us to see clearly - and then, when a parent that she's trying to establish independence from starts pushing on her in a way that she doesn't want, it makes her more likely to stand her ground. Encouraging her to share and explore her thoughts about how this would all play out may also help her see the challenges and problems that are likely to come up.

Hope that helps!

-Steve