Question: What's the cure for workaholism. I am fed up with my husband and his always being at the office. We have had lots of fights about it in the past but last night I really got angry and I asked for a divorce. My husband was shocked and he swore he could change. I am willing to give him another chance but I think he needs some professional help, but I am not sure of what kind?

Stephanie Adams Says...:

Workaholism comes in many forms. It can stem from perfectionism, wanting so much to do a good job that it eclipses a sense of balance. Alternately, some workaholics find their identity from work; that's what makes them feel good about themselves. Naturally, we all seek out more of what makes us feel good! Of course, this gets to be a problem when it outweighs the needs of a husband or wife.

Professional help does sound like a good thing for both of you - and I say both because when one person in a marriage has a problem, you both do, as long as you want to remain together. This didn't come out of nowhere. In order to overcome the workaholism, it's absolutely essential that you try your best to understand it. So what I'd recommend is a good marriage counselor in your local area who can help you explore how his work habits have affected both of you, and help you work together to find balance.

Question: Everyday there is something wrong with my wife. There is always some sickness of injury that needs special attention. I am not saying she is totally faking it but it is not really believable how often she gets sick or how she can oscillate from perfect health when she is unobserved to serious illness when she notices you are watching her or ask how she is doing. I don’t know how to deal with this. She is a great woman but this drives me crazy. If I ever try to call her on her behavior she goes into meltdown mode. She really loses it, it’s like there is nothing worse I can say than question her sickness. But at the same time it is hard to take her health complaints seriously every day all the time. So I mostly just ignore them…and then whenever anyone else is around and they see me ignoring her health concerns I look the bad guy! What do I do here? I think this is beyond her control and not done intentionally but it is obviously some sort of psychosomatic illness. But how can I help her to get better when she blows up whenever I even suggest that her maladies might not be real?

Stephanie Adams Says...:

You're in a really tough spot. You want to help her feel better - and you to have a break from the stress of an ill wife - but if you bring it up, you're in trouble. From what I see, there's only two options. If she really is that ill, then it means your marriage is facing a great deal of stress. If she isn't that ill physically, but psychosomatically, challenging the truth of her symptoms is only going to make the maladies worse. If she's developed psychosomatic complaints, her mind has created these symptoms for a reason. Though she is not conscious of them, for whatever reason, being ill relieves some emotional pain or allows her to avoid another painful issue. And until we know what that reason is, there's nothing we can do to stop the physical complaints. It's only when those reasons are met in a more healthy way that the physical complaints will go away. 

If you haven't already, I would start by visiting a doctor to rule out a physical cause. If there is a physical problem a counselor who specializes in chronic pain might be helpful to your wife. (Check your hospital for referrals.) If there is no known physical reason, I'd really recommend you see a marriage counselor, or if your wife
is willing, that she see an individual counselor that specializes in somatic
concerns.

Question: Can counseling help a person who has a very gloomy outlook on life become a bit more optimistic? My wife is always looking at the dark side of things and this puts her into a bad mood a lot of the time, and many times it ends up being for no reason.

Stephanie Adams Says...:

There's an old joke that goes, "How many counselors does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but that's if the light bulb really wants to change!" Yes, therapy can help someone look at life more positively. It's a learned habit as well as a personality trait, and we can work with changing the habit. But I noticed you are the one who wrote me, and not your wife. If you are going to have any success with her positivity, it will only work if she wants the change too. However, a good marriage counselor can help you two discuss why a more optimistic outlook will really make a difference in your marriage, as well as in her personal life.

If you think that you've reached a point where you're ready to invite this kind of change in her, I would encourage you to call a local counselor or contact me through www.stephanieadamslpc.com for a free private email consultation. I hate to see your wife spending so much time in sadness, and your marriage under stress, when you can be free of both. You're on a good track. Keep going!

Question: Does psychoanalysis (the Freudian method) work at all for depression and anxiety? I think that I have been anxious and depressed since I was a young adolescent and so I think that the cause of my present day mental illnesses is likely buried somewhere in my childhood – but I can’t figure out what it might be.

Stephanie Adams Says...:

Hmm, that's a difficult question to answer. Results vary, but it seems like other therapies work faster, and psychoanalysis may be more effective after five years. In my experience, the main predictor of therapy outcome is in YOU, the client. So if you believe it has something to offer you, it most likely does! On the other hand, psychoanalytic practitioners are harder to find, and long-term therapy is extremely expensive and not usually covered by insurance.

I'd recommend calling a local expert in psychoanalysis and asking him or her what results they've seen for clients with depression and anxiety, then evaluate for yourself whether it's the right approach for you. And don't give up! The answer is out there.

Question: I have been living with my girlfriend for 3 years. We are now engaged to be married. She wants us to get pre marriage counseling. I think it is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard of…but if it makes her happy I will do it gladly. For what possible reason would I need to get counseling to learn more about a person I’ve just had spent more than a 1000 days living with and getting to know everything about? Is there really any point in this? I would really like to understand the point and my fiancée is not really able to tell me why it makes sense….especially when we have a rather expensive wedding coming up to pay for.

Stephanie Adams Says...:

Do you only change the oil in your car when it's not working? Or do you change it regularly so it keeps running smoothly? If you wait until there's a problem to go to marriage counseling, you may find yourself performing maintenance on a machine that's already broken.

A good premarital counselor will help you look backwards, present and forward to help you assess what problems you've had in the past, what you're doing right, and how you can avoid problems in the future.

The vast majority of my clients in marriage counseling come in as a last resort, when they've already checked out of the marriage. In contrast, those who enter premarital counseling - while things are still good and everybody's positive about the future - can avoid many, many speedbumps before they start.

It's a good thing that your relationship is positive enough that you don't see the need for "counseling." But think of it like getting your oil changed. It doesn't hurt for you to check in, and while the mechanic's under the hood, he/she may do some preventative maintenance that will save you down the road.

Question: My wife is a nurse and she has an opportunity to do mission work in Cambodia for a three year run. I am an electrician and general contractor and not sure what I’d do but she says that spouses of primary applicants can generally find meaningful volunteer work once in the mission country. We have two children, ages 8 and 11 who would also be coming, but I guess there is an international school they could attend over there, so it would probably be a good experience. My wife has always wanted to do something like this and she really believes she is being called to do it. I could probably leave for a few years and pick up OK once we came back, so there is nothing really stopping me from going. But I really don’t want to do it. I feel so selfish and I haven’t really even told my wife this, but I just don’t want to go. I don’t really like foreign food and hot weather and I am hopeless at learning languages and I also feel like I won’t know what to do with myself over there. I am used to being the family bread winner, so it’s also hard for me to take a second fiddle role, I guess. I know that the organization needs the spouse to be supportive and on board before they’ll sponsor. I know the right thing to do is to just go for it. Maybe I’ll like it and my wife seems to need to do this and it is truly God’s work. But the other hand is telling me it’s going to be a disaster and that because of the way I feel it’s going to really hurt us as a family. What should I do here?

Stephanie Adams Says...:

First, let me say to some degree I can sympathize. I moved my practice from a busy physical office location in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex to completely online practice in order to support my husband's relocation to enroll in medical school. Now, I didn't have to go overseas, so there's a vast difference there, but I tell you that to say I get how hard it is to uproot your life for no other reason than to support your spouse. You will have your selfish moments, and I don't blame you. It's isn't an easy thing to do. I can't tell you what to do (I know, the annoying counselor answer) but I want to tell you some ideas to consider.

First, there's the question of what's driving your lack of desire to move? It could be something like fear of the unknown. They call it "culture shock" for a reason! I've been overseas, and it's an amazing experience but completely reorients your life. That is something you could overcome, if the desire to do it was greater than the fear of the unknown.

But I wonder if that is it. It could also be a quality in the relationship that is lacking right now. It sounds like you care that your wife do something she feels called to do....but if that's it, it's not enough. You have to also believe in her calling and feel the love for her enough that you're ready to lay anything and everything down in your life to make her dreams come true. I'm not blaming you if that's not there right now, but if isn't, there's a reason for that. Your marriage may not be solid enough right now to put it through this kind of strain.

Another aspect to consider is that for 3 years in Cambodia it can't be just her calling. It has to be your calling, too. Even if you're not actively participating in the missions work, in order to do this you would need to feel called to be a part of her calling. I don't sense that from what you're saying. Would you agree? And I do also recognize your statement that it's hard to play "second fiddle." That's not to say, well, you shouldn't support her, but it is to acknowledge that again, both spouses need to feel like they're experiencing their calling, or one will resent the other.

I would suggest taking what I have written here and bringing it to your spouse, (literally or figuratively!) preferably with the support of a licensed counselor or minister. I think it will be dangerous for your relationship and the health of your entire family if you go without feeling more confident about your calling to do so. But I also think it will stir up resentment if your wife feels like you are dismissing her dreams. You two need to sit down and "talk it out" seriously. Most missions boards have experience in this area and may be able to refer you to someone helpful, and as always, if you are Texas residents I will be happy to provide you with online counseling myself. Whatever you do, I think it's good that you're acknowledging these feelings and this situation can be worked out.