Question: Is it possible to do psychoanalysis and not focus on my childhood experiences? I feel like my subconscious desires sabotage my relationship attempts but I am not really very interested in rehashing a lot of my difficult childhood experiences now that I am in my 30s.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

You won't like my answer! It is absolutely impossble to do psychoanalysis without focusing on your past history. You, yourself said it and I quote you. " I feel like my subconscious desires sabotage my relationship attempts". In the course of a psychoanalysis the analyst would work with you about making conscious what happened n the past and would therefore help you work this through so that you are not always repeating the past. There is a term --- REPETITION COMPULSION --- that explains this. I am quoting from my web site www.newyorkcitytherapists.net on Psychodynamic/Psychoanalytic Treatment:

"There is a concept that as psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapists, we need to deal with on a daily basis. All of us — you, we, your friends, everybody repeats their past. We internalize what went on when we are young and then merely repeat symbolically, if not literally what happened when we were growing up. If it was a good past — then no problem, we are repeating a good past. However, when the past was not good or there were problems, we repeat that too. We call that Repetition Compulsion. We do not have the capacity to not repeat the past. So, one might ask, what should I do? None of us is capable of changing how our past influences the present. One needs someone who has the in-depth training to help them change their past so that they don’t keep repeating it. All of us try to change the problems we have experienced as children but low and behold, we merely repeat the past over and over with the hope of changing things but nothing ever changes. Only psychodynamically/psychoanalytically oriented treatment can help someone change the past.

Psychodynamic/Psychoanalytic treatment helps one understand how these unconscious factors affect one’s relationships in work and in love. The first step in this kind of therapy is getting a family history so that first the therapist can learn what happened in the past and from there help the patient see what they are repeating in the present is a repetition of their past."

This should help explain why one's early chiildhood history is important. If you have any other questions, please do not hesitate to contact me again.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: I am not married and don’t have any close friends and both my parents are dead. I feel fine though. I like being alone. Everything in society tells me I should not be satisfied with my life. My sister is constantly harassing me to do things with people. I want to know if forcing myself to be with people when I don’t enjoy their company can really be beneficial to my mental health?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I understand that you like being alone but I think your sister is being caring and concerned to see you all alone. Yes, it's ok to not always want to socialize and be with people but when it's at the point where there NEVER are others then it is of concern. So I would say to you if you never socialize with anyone --- never go to dinner, or to the movies with someone or just for coffee --- meaning if there never is a person in your life then that is a problem. If you would like to discuss this some more just ask me any questions that you may have and I'll do my best to answer. Not knowing anything about you it may be better for you to explore this issue in person with a therapist. Let me know what you'd like to do.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: Is there any truth to the stages of grief…first denial etc.? I just lost someone important to me and I don’t think I am going through what I am supposed to be going through. Am I weird or are the stages of grief wrong?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

THE STAGES OF GRIEF

Grief is an emotional process we all experience after a significant loss in our lives. Grief may be triggered by the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss, all of our children leaving home (empty nest), death of a pet, etc. No matter what the loss, most of us will experience the following sequential stages of grief, although these can certainly vary in some people. I will list the different stages. Remember these stages are not always the same with all people. So don't think that you are wierd just because you are not experiencing all stages.

STAGE 1: SHOCK

The emotional shock of losing someone or something dear to us is really no different than the state of shock after physical trauma, in both we shut down. Shock protects our bodies/psyches, from what we are not yet ready to feel, a protective “timeout.” Shock is of short duration, measured in hours, days.

STAGE 2: DENIAL

We tell ourselves this can’t be true, can’t be happening, can’t be real, there must be some mistake. Denial, like shock, is usually of short duration.

STAGE 3: BARGAINING

Often, we tell ourselves, that if we just do this or that, we won’t have to suffer this horrible loss, feel this pain. Bargaining is usually a relatively short grief stage unless we get stuck there by telling ourselves we can do something to avoid the pain of the next stages of grief.

STAGE 4: ANGER

We may get angry at the Drs. who could not save our loved one, angry at God, angry at ourselves for not doing something that might have prevented this loss, even angry at the one who died for leaving us. We may even displace our anger onto some innocent friend or family member. In anger, we often utter the words, WHY ME? The anger stage is not normally a lengthy process.

STAGE 5: DEPRESSION

We may not be able to sleep, have changes in appetite, not want to engage in activities with others, have no energy, have overwhelming feelings of sadness, cry a lot, and sometime even feel hopeless. Depression is usually the longest and most difficult stage of grief. Ironically, what brings us out of our depression is finally allowing ourselves to experience our very deepest sadness.

STAGE 6: ACCEPTANCE

We come to the place where we accept the loss, make some meaning of it for our lives and are able to move on. If we have lost a loved one, we often transition from a physical relationship to a spiritual one with that person and are able to remember and be thankful for the good times. If there has been a tragic loss, either from some horrible disease or an accident, people often find a way to reach out to others who are experiencing the same type of loss and give help and comfort. In this way we are able to make meaning of the loss for our lives.

Grief that lasts over a year is considered complicated grief and requires the help of a mental health professional. Therapy and/or a grief support group can help us move through the normal grieving process. It is important to reach out, for if we try to get through our grief alone, we may self-medicate. Unresolved grief is the root of many addictions.

You may also wish to take a look at

Book on Grieving: Remembering With Love: Messages of Hope for the First Year of Grieving and Beyond.

by Elizabeth Levang and Sherokee Ilse 1996

Or go to this website.

http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

Question: I feel like people at my work are against me for no reason. I keep telling myself that I am acting crazy but I swear people are talking about me behind my back and then they stop when I get in the room and I just have this feeling that I am being watched or something all the time. It’s kind of freaking me out actually. I asked a good friend at the office about my suspicions and she said I was imagining it. I can feel it so clearly though it’s like I can sense when people are wishing me to fail. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s like I can see it in their faces. It’s upsetting me so much now I can barely even do my job because I am always obsessing about who is watching me or out to get me. How do I fight back when no one is attacking me directly?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am sorry to hear about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing. I'll be upfront and honest with you. When I first started reading what you wrote I thought that when you see someone do that it might be wise to gently ask them why they are responding to you the way they do. However, when I read on and saw how your good friend responded to you my antennae went up. What do I mean by that? Well if your good friend is being honest with you and she thinks that nothing is really happening and you are only imagining this then that alerts me to wonder what is going on with you. I cannot, of course, knowing nothing at all about you know whether this is paranoia or whether, in fact, something in reality is going on. I would, therefore, strongly advise you to see  someone who can do an in-depth evaluation and therefore be able to diagnose this properly. Without an in-person evaluation of you it is not possible to know whether what is happening is reality or whether you are being paranoid. Once this is properly diagnosed then it will become very clear what you should do. If it's reality, then as I suggested above, you would gently confront the person/people who are doing this and ask them why. If it is that you are being paranoid, then you wouldn't confront them but would have your doctor help you with the paranoia.                                                                                          I wish you well.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: I have an anthropology degree and I am underemployed. I do not want to work in my field of study and I am not very qualified to work in other areas. I am considering going back to school, but I do not want to end up with another degree in an area that I have no interest in working in. I was wondering if there was any testing (personality, aptitude….?) that I could get done that is really effective at helping people find out what types of jobs they’d be happy with and good at doing?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

Hi,

  I am glad to help you step in the right direction. There are several tests that you can take that will help you determine where you belong and will help in setting you along the right path that will fit your personality and interests. Monster.com, for example, is a place for searching for a job,  has a whole set of tests that you can take to see where you fit.

http://career-advice.monster.com/job-search/career-assessment/career-testing-find-direction/article.aspx

There is another link to a website where you can take several tests right online to explore your fit:

http://www.16personalities.com/

Check out these two sites. If you want to explore more go to the link below which will bring you to several more sites. I am sure after spending some time taking these tests you will find your niche and will know which direction to take and whether you should go back to school or get into the job market. You will know after taking the time to explore everything listed here.

https://www.google.com/search?client=gmail&rls=gm&q=Personality%20Tests%20that%20are%20good%20in%20taking%20to%20direct%20someone%20in%20the%20right%20direction%20of%20a%20career.

   If there is anything I may help you with after you have taken many of these tests, please know that I am here for you.

    I wish you well.

     Dr. Shirley Schaye

https://www.google.com/search?client=gmail&rls=gm&q=Personality%20Tests%20that%20are%20good%20in%20taking%20to%20direct%20someone%20in%20the%20right%20direction%20of%20a%20career.

Question: What does it mean if I am starting to have anger control and impulse control problems in my 30s. I have never before had a problem managing my anger but recently I find it just bubbles up so suddenly out of nowhere and it's more than I can control and 3 times in the last 2 months I have gotten violent with another person and this is more times than in the past 20 years before this. It's like this rage swells up and before I know it I am lashing out without even thinking about it. Should I be worried about a brain tumor or something? Why else would this change in behavior be happening to me in my adult years?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I have not had an in-depth, in-person consultation with you so cannot really say what is going on. I would need to know so...ooo very much about you to determine why this is happening more now --- like, e.g., a complete history of your family background, who are you getting angry with, what is this person doing that is making you lose it like that. Of course, I cannot say if there is a physical, organic reason. That, of course, would need to be ruled out by a neurologist. Psychologically, as I already said, you would need an IN-PERSON CONSULTATION to determine what is going on. If you tell me your city, state and zip code I will help you find someone with the proper training who would be able to diagnose what is going on.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: If I have some gender issues and stuff that come out whenever I am drunk but that seem disgusting to me when I am not drunk what does this mean? Am I repressing when I am not drunk or is it just the alcohol creating something for the thrill of it? 

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. Yes, you wisely are understanding that you are repressing the feelings that are coming out when you are drunk. If those thoughts were not in your unconscious they would not be creeping out when you are drunk.

I noticed that you haven't asked what to do about it. If you do want to follow-up I would be very glad to help you seek out the right kind of help for this. Not all therapies that exist out there would be helpful.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: My brother sexually abused me from the time I was 10 to when I was 14 and he left home and then I left home when I was 16 and I spent a lot of time trying not to think about what we did together and dealing with a lot of shame and revulsion and anger and confusion about what role I played. I never told anyone about what he did. Now my brother has 2 children with a woman he married. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of him with children. I am honestly still terrified of him and this makes it all worse. I feel like I need to tell someone what he did to me but I can’t deal with talking about it and having everyone know. I just can’t deal with that. What do I do?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am so...ooo very, very sorry to hear about what happened between you and your brother. First, please let me say that YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You were only 10 years old. There is a big developmental difference between a 10 year old and a 14 year old. For one, not to even mention ego development but at 14 one has reached puberty. Usually at 10, one has not.

Let me also say this. I have done a lot of work on SEXUAL ABUSE --- published, speaking engagements, etc. See here. I am only saying this because I know a lot about the sexually abused victim. It would help you a great deal if you sought out a properly trained therapist to deal with all the guilt, fear and damage that your brother has created for you. If you give me your city, state and zip code I will be happy to help you find someone.

Question: I had an affair and I am fairly sure but not completely sure that my wife knows about it. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I was going through a bit of a life crisis and I just made a mistake and I realize now that I never want to do this again. I ended things over a month ago. Now things are awkward between my wife and I. I want to earn back her trust but I am in the weird position of not knowing if she knows or not why I wouldn’t be deserving of it in the first place. I am never going to cheat again. Should I admit to the affair to clear the air or if she hasn’t brought it up does that mean she’d rather not talk about it/doesn’t already know. The last thing I want to do is cause her any pain.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am very sorry to hear about how you are feeling and about what has happened. In order to provide you with help I would need to know a little more about what is going on. You mentioned that things are awkward. Are things awkward because of your guilt or because your wife is showing signs of either distancing herself from you or some other feelings that show her dissatisfaction? So we need to determine what is the source of the awkwardness. If it because your wife is showing discontent then I think the best thing for you to do is suggest that you both see a marriage therapist. Having an objective third person who is a professional would be the best way for dealing with the underlying cause of your wife's discontent, if that's so, to revealing the affair. If the awkwardness has to do more with you and your guilt, then I would strongly suggest that rather than telling her that you first discuss this matter with a therapist and deal with your guilt there.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: I am a very nervous and neurotic person, I feel like my hang ups are partly to blame for a lot of the anxiety I experience on a daily basis. I have been to therapy before but it was very much focused on the present and on learning new ways to think. I feel like I need to get a handle on the past because my past is why I act and feel like I do today. I am interested in psychoanalysis which is what I expected my first try at therapy would be like but wasn’t. What I would like to know is how long I should expect psychoanalysis to take before I start seeing results?

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

Oh how wise you are. Yes, indeed trying new strategies does nothing to help someone change.It doesn't. All of us repeat the past. Freud had a term for that... Repetition Compulsion ... What we do, you, I, all of us do when there are problems from our past is compulsively repeat the past in the hope of changing it but low and behold, nothing ever changes. Only Psychoanalysis can. Only Psychoanalysts are trained to go back to the past with a person and help them work through their past issues. So you are right on about that.

Ok, so now to your question: How long? To give you an honest answer, I don't know. I don't know because I don't know anything about you. I don't know if your problems stem from early ego development issues or are what we call oedipal issues. So you would need to enter the process over some time to know how long. And even then, it's not always easy to know. But I will say this --- hey, if it's going to help by all means, do it. It is certainly worth it.

I am very glad to help you find someone if you tell me your city, state and zip code. Also, if you need low cost or insurance coverage I can help you with that.