Question: I was bullied a lot as a young teenager. My family moved a lot and I was not too socially adept so I had a hard time fitting into new schools and by the time I’d make a few friends I would be heading somewhere else. When I was a sophomore I moved into hell. There was this group of boys that bullied me really viciously and an administration that refused to intervene. I was overweight and they managed to take pictures of me in the gym shower and then photocopied my picture with mean captions and slid the papers into every student’s locker in the whole school. This was 20 years ago and before it was considered important to stop bullying. It was so bad I considered suicide. Instead I dropped out of school and toughened up. I lost weight, got tatooed and put on muscle. Worked as tree planter in remote locations and forest fire fighter. If someone looked like they were about to give me shit I’d get aggressive and physical and I got into a lot of fights and I never got bullied again. I thought that was what I wanted but now I am in my 30s and people are so intimidated by me that I have no friends or romantic partner. I am not bullied but it is just as lonely. I thought I beat the problem but I am just as scared today as I was then and I wasted a quarter of my life because I’ve been so scared. I worked so hard to build this wall and now I don’t know how to drop my defenses. What happened in high school is still screwing me up 20 years later…

Raffi Bilek Says...:

I'm sorry for all the awful experiences you've been though.  You've clearly had to deal with a lot. Unfortunately, this is not a problem you are likely to be able to solve in a Q&A forum. I think you are best off finding a therapist to work this through with. It doesn't sound impossible, but there's no quick fix for 20 years of wall-building. Feel free to contact me if you are interested in working online (or in person if you are in the NY/NJ area), or else find someone in your area who can help. Things can get better!

Question: Is there a real thing as a Soul Mate? I can’t find the ONE and when he isn’t the ONE I feel like I will feel like I am settling for the whole rest of my life. Do I need to wait for that head over heels feeling? I am 25 and honestly I don’t think I have never had that since I was a kid with a crush, but never as an adult and never with a person I have been in a relationship with.

Raffi Bilek Says...:

Whether there is such a thing as a soulmate or "the one" is probably a matter for religious discussion.  Regardless of one's beliefs, though, the head-over-heels feelings is definitely NOT a prerequisite to having a good, healthy relationship (and in fact it is often detrimental).  The expectation of "fireworks" is a myth of Western society.  Love is based on a deep knowledge of another person, not on a feeling of excitement.  Feelings like that inevitably die down. A solid relationship is built from the foundation up, so that loving feelings develop; it does not "happen" by running into someone who superficially looks nice, attractive, interesting and then assuming that it will go "happily ever after" (that's an ending in fairy tales, not in real life!).

In short, no, you don't have to wait for that feeling.  Relationships are built, not found.  How to build them is a much larger post!

Question: I have a shyness problem. I have read a lot of self help stuff that seems to say that by NOT trying to get out and talk to people I don’t know I am only making my fears and insecurities stronger. I made a new years resolution to talk to a stranger everyday (something I read on a blog as an idea to overcome shyness). Unfortunately, after about a month of really doing this I feel worse than ever. At best people react neutrally when I try to initiate a conversation and more likely they pretty much reject me totally. So after a month of trying to overcome my fears I have come to realize that my fears were actually very justified. So what now?

Raffi Bilek Says...:

Much ink has been spilled on the topic of shyness and social phobia, which it sounds like you may be struggling with (although lots more information is needed before a diagnosis could be made).

Whether or not your particular problem is severe enough to warrant a diagnosis, I believe you could benefit a lot from seeing a counselor to help you deal with this. A trained professional could help guide you through the steps and work with your individual needs and strengths.

Self-help books are great, but they can't replace a human being who can give you the personal attention you need.  Your problem is not insurmountable; you just need the right kind of help.

Good luck, and feel free to contact me if I can be of further help.

Question: My sister just knows how to provoke me. I always tell myself I won’t let her get to me but she knows me too well and I always leave family gatherings feeling upset and unable to really explain why in a way that makes sense to anyone else. I always just come off as looking to cause trouble when her and I know that, as like when we were kids…she started it! I have tried to ignore her but it doesn’t work. I can’t avoid her so that’s not an option. I have asked her to stop but she pretends she doesn’t know what I am talking about. No one else understands why I have such a problem with it. It really upsets me and it ruins my ability to enjoy family functions. What am I supposed to do?

Raffi Bilek Says...:

Probably you should see a therapist who can help you learn how to manage this situation properly. Like you said, avoiding her is not an option; and whether or not she knows what she's doing, you can't count on her to make things better.  in most cases like this there are ways you could change your perspective to minimize the amount of grief she causes you - but you'd have to work out with an objective helper based on the specific situations you are facing, your history, your current thinking patterns, your strengths and weakness, etc.  So while I can't give you a simple answer in a forum like this, I am confident that you could learn to manage the situation by seeking further help.

Question: Is dream interpretation important? Sometimes I feel like there are hidden messages in my dreams. Some other times I think that this is ridiculous. Should I pay attention to my dreams?

Raffi Bilek Says...:

From a psychological standpoint, dreams are a product of the goings-on in your unconscious mind that reflect what you are thinking about deep down. You can find therapists who will help you understand what they are about and how they are affecting what's going on inside you.  Sometimes they can help illuminate the source of your feelings or behaviors that you might otherwise not understand. However, I would caution you from trying to find premonitions or hidden messages in dreams.  They are not a reliable source of information about the future or about choices you should make.

You may also want to consider consulting someone in your faith tradition who can give you a different perspective on this.