Question: I did some work in the past that I do not feel very good about. I rationalized it in the past because I was just ‘following orders’ and if I didn’t do it someone else would have. It wasn’t my idea to do it I was just acting out someone else’s will. Really I can see know that I was just greedy for the money and willing to turn a blind eye to the consequences. Now I feel really bad about this and I am pretty sure that my work helped to cheat people. I can’t say exactly what I did because I might be admitting to a criminal offense. I can’t shake off my guilt now and it is really bothering me. What should I do now? I tired giving money to charity but it didn’t take my guilt away. I can’t take back what I did but the guilt is killing me.

Penny Bell Says...:

It sounds as if at the time you resisted taking responsibility of and owning your own actions, but now, in retrospect, you realize that you have done something wrong due to your feelings of guilt. Guilt is a very useful signal that alerts us to the fact that we have done something that has crossed our moral boundary and has compromised or violated our values. When this occurs our conscience kicks in to give us a wake-up call, and the benefit of this is that we are now informed that that is not acceptable behaviour – to us! We can then take any necessary action – apologize to the injured party, make amends, apologize to ourselves, and if we are in a relationship with God, apologize to him, repent, accept forgiveness and continue on our way, equipped with new knowledge about ourselves and our world that helps us to modify our behaviour in the future.

Shakespeare’s plays, in particular “Hamlet” and “Macbeth” explore the theme of guilt and its power to keep us enslaved. Hamlet’s guilt was not enough to keep him from his desire for revenge, and so had little effect on his behaviour. For Macbeth, guilt was unable to pierce his grandiosity, and although it kept him from enjoying his ill-gotten gains, he continued to behave in the same way. For Lady Macbeth, guilt plagued her through her dreams, and eventually brought about her demise by her own hand. Shakespeare’s delight in exploring guilt was born out of his observations of human behaviour, and of himself, and he knew his audience would identify with the way he factored it into his stories as it is a universal human experience.

Being aware of our wrong-doing is actually a very healthy thing. Macbeth’s and Hamlet’s problem was that their consciences weren't working properly, and that made them medieval sociopaths. But Lady MacBeth had a different problem – she was unable to mitigate or expiate her guilt, and it drove her to depression. She became obsessed with her crime until it totally consumed her. Instead of simply repenting and doing whatever was needed to make things right, she let it eat away at her. Sound familiar?

I’d like to now introduce another concept – shame. Guilt tells us we have done something wrong, but shame tells us that because we did that wrong thing, we are wrong. Guilt says there’s something wrong with what I did, shame says there’s something wrong with me, because I’m the kind of person that would do that. Guilt is a state that we can either enter or leave, whereas shame is a belief and an overwhelming feeling of badness about ourselves. Lady Macbeth was experiencing shame along with her guilt, and that is why she became so stuck.

What can we do about our shame? Firstly, it’s not an outward thing, or a behaviour. It’s a belief and a feeling, so it’s on the inside of us. Therefore we cannot perform our way out of it, although we certainly do try to do that. We can think “if I look good on the outside, no-one will know how rotten I am on the inside”. But because the shame is ours and ours alone, this won’t help. The danger then is that we will try to escape our feelings of shame in other ways, for example excessive drinking or substance abuse.

Often the feeling of shame is triggered by an action we carry out that pricks our conscience and produces an awareness of guilt, but in actual fact had its origin in childhood. I’m wondering if this is the case for you. Can you think of a time or times during your childhood when you felt similarly? Try a journaling exercise where you write down any experiences of childhood when you felt guilt and shame – what was said or done and by whom, how you felt, and what it said, in your mind, about you. Sometimes if the shaming messages in our childhood are very strong, we can grow up with the idea that we are bad anyway, so what we do doesn’t really matter. But if our conscience is alive and well, we then suffer the consequences of our behaviour in the form of guilt feelings and subsequent relentless feelings of shame, almost confirming our original thoughts about ourselves that we are no good.

To break this cycle of shame and guilt, first deal with the guilt, as outlined in the first paragraph. Then, address the shame. Shame, even though it seems as if it belongs to us, actually doesn't. It is given to us by others, and is always a lie about us, which we internalize. We can choose to accept and believe the lie, that we are inferior, no good, bad etc, or reject it, and replace it with the truth – what I did was wrong, a mistake, but that doesn't mean I am wrong and a mistake. You may need help working through this, and I suggest that entering into therapy for a period of time would be highly beneficial for you. As well, make an effort not to isolate yourself from friends and family, as their support is vital to your sense of well-being.

Question: My older sister has infatuations with male celebrities that are so serious that they keep her from having real relationships. In her mind no real man thats around here compares to the people in her head and on posters on her walls. She is 33 and she still has posters like a little teenager on her bedroom walls. I am worried about her but am not sure how to get her to change. I think underneath it all she is scared to get hurt so she plays it safe by living in a fantasy world. I do not think she is happy but she is too scared to change. Whenever I or any of my friends has problems in our relationships she uses this as evidence against real love but she does not see the good part. She refuses to get fixed up. She is pretty but to my knowledge she has never had a real relationship in her whole life. Is there anything I can do for her? She is 10 years older than me so she has always acted like she is wiser but it is obvious that she is not.

Penny Bell Says...:

Because I know very little about your sister apart from that she has infatuations with male celebrities, I can’t really help you with the psychology of her behaviour. I think you have perceived correctly that she is keeping herself safe from the reality of genuine relationships with all the inherent emotional ups and downs and possible pain by clinging to fantasy, but unless we know her reason for this avoidance, and there will be a reason, we are groping in the dark. Having said this, I think the best way you can help your sister is to recommend she see a counsellor, even if she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour, if only just to check in for a mental health assessment, as there is a possibility that depression or anxiety could be driving this fantasy life, and/or that your sister has had some negative experiences with men in her early life. Failing that, the best you can do is to be a friend to your sister, listen carefully and empathically when she shares with you about her life and issues, and be there for her if and when her fantasy world collapses.

Question: I have this friend who I think is bipolar or something similar. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t know for sure but sometimes he seems very manic, talking a mile a minute, and sometimes he is very paranoid and depressed seeming. Maybe it is not true bipolar because he never seems to lose touch with reality completely but it is definitely soemthing. Usually I only see him in his manic phases because he won’t answer the phone for days at a time when he depressed and he won’t tell me where he lives even though we are sort of good friends. He has some very weird paranoia issues about people knowing too much about him. I have known him for 10 years and I like him and trust him. He house sits for me when I am frequently away. He just lost his part time computer job. It was pretty much data entry and didn’t pay much but he was surviving on it. I don’t know what got him fired but I have to guess it was erratic behavior. I actually lost it on him last night because I am trying to do a work renovation and I asked him to help out as labor so I could pay him a bit but he would not stop with his crazy ideas and interrupting everyone to consider his schemes. He apologized after and said he hasn’t been sleeping well for days. I offered to take him to a hospital and he won’t go. I said I would pay for his expenses to see a doctor and he still won’t go. I really want to help him but I do not know what to do and I am very worried about how he will survive. He has no family living in this country.

Penny Bell Says...:

Bipolar disorder is an illness which affects the normal functioning of the brain, so that the person experiences extreme moods - they can become high, over-excited and reckless, or imagine that they are more important or influential than they actually are. They can also become extremely low, feeling helpless and depressed, with difficulty making decisions or concentrating.

Bipolar disorder I is the more severe disorder, with the person being more likely to experience mania, have longer 'highs', be more likely to have psychotic experiences (that include delusions and hallucinations) and be more likely to be hospitalised. Bipolar disorder II is diagnosed when a person experiences the symptoms of a high, or “hypomania”, but with no psychotic experiences.

A person experiencing hypomania can have high energy levels with the person feeling “wired”, with racing thoughts and rapid speech, racing from one plan to another and sleeping less. They can have a positive mood in which they feel confident, capable, optimistic, and creative. They can also feel irritable and impatient. They can display inappropriate behaviour – spending, drinking or gambling excessively, and acting impulsively. They can feel as if they are creatively excelling, or have special ‘mystical’ experiences.

Your friend does sound as if he is experiencing these sorts of symptoms, and I can understand how frustrating it is for you that he is refusing your help at this time. What you can do though is explain to him that you are concerned about him, and why, and provide him with some information – a link to a website, a pamphlet, or a book – that you think may be relevant. Let him know you are there to support him, and if at any time he would like to seek professional help, that you are available to assist him with this.

Be aware that some people with bipolar disorder can become suicidal, and if your friend begins to indicate that he is thinking in this manner, it is important that you take this seriously and make sure he is seen, assessed and treated by whatever mental health team or facility is available in your area.

Question: Hi Penny, I am in a new relationship, I met him online on a site just for my own cultural background (same nationality). I have chemistry with this man at every level physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. It felt overwhelming when I met him; I haven't been intimate sexually wt anyone, for 3 years since my ex fiance (just dated and making out) as I am waiting for someone special, so I know my hormones are at play here but I feel like we really think alike, so he has told me he loves me and first time EVER I have said it to him and I mean it. I am not a stupid girl I waited till 35 to lose my virginity with someone who became my fiance, I take these things so seriously, I know i don't know everything about this new guy and that he is not perfect; neither am I. I want to trust and be open, he wants to get intimate physically and says it's been 4 months for him and he is frustrated but that I satisfy him in every way, we are together, we are exclusive, he wants a long term serious thing wt me, he also says he didnt' think he 'd get married or want to, but with me he would. now he said these things when I've not gone over to his place for this first month of relationship and besides kissing we haven't done anything yet. I told him, I don't want to start something that will leave him frustrated at his place if I am not ready for it, and I want to be comfortable and get to know him better; I told him I need to be in a serious relationship and he says we are together meaning he wants to be with me long term. I have issues trusting and I really want to be with him sexually but I told him I feel pressured, and I have turned him down to go over to his place several times, he still comes around but he has expressed sexual frustration and he doesn't understand what the need is to wait and that I should ask him anything to know him, but the thing is I dont' want to listen to his words, I want to see his actions. Now he does what he says, when he says he 'll call he does, when he is wrong he says sorry, when he does something wrong he immediatly corrects himself, he goes out of his way to pick me up and make me feel comfortable when we go out, on his public career profiles a person describes him as a person with integrity people should hire as he does what he says, he is always on time etc. this is the person I am falling in love with, but he has said things that were a bit heavy to take in. when he was sexually frustarted he asked me if he was ok if he pleasured himself and I said that's fine then he said he has to think about his ex girl friend to get off, and I was shocked he said he hasn't been with me and maybe that's fresh in his memory, I got mad and told him well then just go wt her and he says he doesn't want to (mind you i think she might have broken up with him). I told him that he is trying to pressure me to have sex sooner by saying that, and I don't believe him, and for him to find someone he hasnt dated to fantasize about, he thinks that can addictive and not healthy, anyway I told him, I don't like being pressured, I know he wants to be with me badly, I want it maybe more than him, but I need to be ready and I won't do it just cause he wants it or to keep a guy;he said he'll find another way to get off, and I told him I don't mean outside the relationshp because he is saying I am his gf now, though when asked by a new couple we met publicly he didn't say anything (it has been only a month and a week we see each other and he was away almost 2 weeks in europe visiting family), so I wasn't expecting him to say anything but now he says he tells people he is out with his gf (me). I want him to say to others in public so I know I can trust him and he is not playing me. Also we are from a repressive regime, and he was in army training there over 20 years ago and very bad experience for him; he got arrested he says and was in jail a few months because he beat up an officer who was a bully and was mistreating him or others; he says that was really hard, it was hard for me to hear he was arrested, but then again if I was in his shoes and he is a man of integrity I can see how an unjust situation 'd lead him to that; also he was there 2 years with no water or electricity. Does this mean he is violent or a criminal? nothing else after this as far as I know in that country nor outside that country in north america. He has also told me that he was working on a project as an electrician at a house one time and saw a guy escape from a house the cops came around and asked if he saw anyone, in the moment he didn't say he did, but then he says they told him he was a rapist, and asked for his tools to shut the door to his front door so he 'd not or could not come back there to hide, he says he saw a great expensive camera there; his colleague was there too, he said to him this guy is a rapist, he is not coming back and so he took the camera. Again I told him I am not sure about what he told me. I asked him if he has done anything like that after and he said come on, of course not. I can see in that situation a criminal's stuff really what's the harm in taking it, but he himself says now that he was young and he didn't have to tell me this but he is because he is comfortable with me, but may be things he feels are not things he is proud of necessarily either and wants to see if I accept him despite his past/faults. My concern is the present though. He seems now like the type who doesn't want to hurt a fly, and in 20 years he has read spritual texts, and seems to have grown a lot as a person, so I am conflicted about his integrity and if I should let him close to me; we are very attracted to each other and I want to but not unless I know I can trust him 100% and I told him that; he had said to me he 'd wait for me 3, 6mnths whatever it takes one day but he was more frustrated a week later , because I haven't given him a timeline just said I need to be comfortable. I have moments where I can't imagine my life without him, and then try to be logical, and smart, so I think going towards full physical intimacy in stages now might be a good compromise but I am then worried from past experience how far is too far, he may then completely stop pursuing the relationship if he feels teased, he is already saying the way you kissed me i though we'd go to my place after. I am so conflicted and confused, please help.

Penny Bell Says...:

Oh my gosh, from what you are saying, it sounds like you are in such a dilemma over this guy! Your thinking is going around in circles – yeah, he’s the one, no, he does this and this, but he’s good in this way, but hang on, what about this and this....you must be exhausted from thinking about this with such intensity and arriving at no distinct solution, decision or line of action!

What I’m wondering is, what is your gut saying to you? What you’re telling me is what your head is saying, but what’s your feeling deep down? You have given me some clues, actually – particularly in the way you tell me that for all intents and purposes this guy is the real deal, that he has a reputation for having integrity, but there’s this other side of him that you don’t feel comfortable about.

It might be worth exploring that part of you that isn’t feeling comfortable. Further, think about why you are pushing that part of you aside in order to convince yourself that this relationship is on the up and up – what would it be like for you to walk away from this guy? What would you lose if you did? And is that what’s keeping you in the relationship?

And how do you feel while you are in this relationship, and around this guy? I hear you saying you feel attracted to him, but at the same time you feel cornered, pushed, trapped, pressured, untrusting, conflicted, confused, played, and betrayed! What are you doing with these feelings? Try sitting with them for a while, rather than pushing them down, and see what it is they are saying to you!

Have you thought of taking your dilemma to therapy? Nutting this out with a therapist could really help you to understand yourself in the context of the relationship and arrive at a place where you can see clearly what your options are. You may discover that the problem is all yours – that you need to learn to trust more – or that the problem is all his and you are trying not to acknowledge this. A third perspective could be that, as you said, neither of you is perfect, and that you need to find some common ground for negotiation and compromise for how this relationship is carried out. You could do this with the help of a relationship counsellor whom you would see together.

Question: How are you supposed to know if you are getting too obsessed with looking good. I am a 22 year old guy who works out a lot and I am proud of my ripped physique. Sometimes people say I’m practically an anorexic cause I am so particular about what I will eat and what I won’t eat. I have single digit body fat and that doesn’t just happen. If I go out with my old friends I know I will eat too much and then I feel like shit after and they don’t understand this so now I mostly just hang out at the gym. They say I have a problem.

Penny Bell Says...:

Exercise is an important part of gaining strength, health and a feeling of well-being, and it sounds like you have worked very hard to gain the body size and shape that you desire. But am I right in perceiving that a part of you is wondering if you are perhaps taking it a bit too far? You say that your friends are noticing a change in your behaviour that concerns them and that you are avoiding them because of this. So you are passionate about working out and body shaping to the point that you put it before everything, including your relationships?

That’s got to answer your question – but if it doesn't, this information might: Obsessive or compulsive exercise, or exercise dependence or addiction, is characterized by a compulsion to exercise excessively even when the consequences are harmful to an individual's health, family relationships, and personal wealth. What marks a behaviour as obsessive is a build-up of anxiety before carrying out the behaviour, and a sense of relief and satisfaction after, followed shortly after that by the urge to engage again in the behaviour accompanied by increasing anxiety – this is called the addiction cycle. Typical symptoms of addiction are the presence of withdrawal symptoms, detrimental social consequences and interference with relationships or work. To complicate things, primary exercise addiction manifests itself as a form of behavioural addiction where just the exercise is involved, but there can also be a secondary exercise addiction because it co-occurs with another dysfunction, typically with eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia. And because you are so careful about what you eat, and report “feeling like shit” when you eat the same way as your pals, this could also apply to what is going on with you.

Why not engage in an experiment, just for a week. Change your behaviour by not going to the gym, and by going out with your mates. As you do this, keep a “feelings journal” – record what this was like for you at the end of every day. Go back over your journal at the end of the week, and you may find that you had a whole lot of fun and that you really enjoyed being with your friends.

My hunch is though that your anxiety level will become extremely uncomfortable – so much so that it will be very hard for you to do this experiment at all. Please use this information you gain about yourself to make a decision to get some help, in the form of counselling. If you quit your exercising without counselling you may find that whatever is driving it will emerge in the form of some other addiction.

Question: How do you get rid of resentment? I realize that when I feel resentful I am slipping down toward relapse but I find that often when my mind wanders I start daydreaming and a lot of the time I am just remembering slights and mistreatments and imagining what I would have done differently etc etc etc. This happens to me all the time and I try to keep banishing these thoughts away but they always come back?

Penny Bell Says...:

When
we look at the twelve steps in recovery there is a common theme – that of
taking responsibility for ourselves, rather than blaming others.  The fourth step gives us a way to deal with
our anger and resentments – it directs us to take a searching and fearless
moral inventory of ourselves.  We can do
this whilst blaming others but it will dilute the process and actually end up a
waste of time, as then we are only going through the motions of taking
responsibility whilst in actual fact avoiding it.

If
we are to do step four honestly and sincerely then we must stop blaming others
and see that focusing on others only works to deflect from looking at
ourselves.  Whilst I’m turning over in my
mind all the hurts and pain inflicted by others that have caused me grief, I am
walking away from the fourth step and into somewhere to numb that pain – relapse!

Instead,
I could choose to forgive.  I may think
that these other people don’t deserve my forgiveness, and that forgiving them
will just give them licence to hurt me again. 
But we need to differentiate forgiveness from pardoning, condoning,
excusing, forgetting or denying the offence. 
We actually don’t forgive for the sake of another, we do it for our own
sake, and we don’t actually ever have to tell the other person that we have
forgiven them. 

Think
about it this way – when we hold a person in our resentment, how much of
ourselves are we owning, and how much is the offender owning?  We are being controlled emotionally and
psychologically, and eventually behaviourally, by that other person.  Where is our power then?  We are seeing ourselves purely as victims,
without power - we are giving away our power to the ones who have caused the
offence.  Forgiveness, or shedding the self-as-victim
belief and asserting personal power, is the remedy to your dilemma.

Forgiveness
involves putting away blame, and cancelling the debt the person owes us.  This is a process which you may need to do a
little of every day.  It’s a good idea to
keep a journal so you can keep track of the things that cause resentment and
your forgiveness work that you have applied to that event, person or group.  As these resentful thoughts arise, note them,
make a choice to release the person from your expectations and determine to put
away blame.  The more you do this the
easier it becomes!

The
alternative is to nurse the hurt and blame and see yourself as deserving of
doing this.  Nothing could be more
self-defeating!  You will find this only
leads down one path – that of consolidating your resentment.  So work on your forgiving, and your
resentment will take care of itself.

Question: I am the most exciting boring person I have ever met. I honestly have a really interesting life. I have swam in the Amazon, been to Easter Island, gone skydiving, I ran with the bulls, I am writing a novel and a screenplay and on and on. Looking at my life objectively, no one could say it was dull. But when I talk to other people, even when I am telling them about all of the stuff I have done, people are bored with me. I cannot hold anyone’s interest and I never have the right thing to say. So I am trapped as an exciting boring guy. I hate this and I have no idea how to change. How can I learn to have witty pithy comments when my mind is just blank when with other people?

Penny Bell Says...:

My goodness you have been busy in your life!  And what amazing
things you've done, and are doing!  I imagine I would be very interested
to hear about your exploits and ambitions!  And, as a counsellor, that is
my job, to listen as people tell me about themselves.  They do this partly
because in their day to day life, this never happens.  No-one will sit and
listen whilst they tell their story.  Instead, exchanges of conversation
take place between people, called "turn taking".  In turn taking,
one speaks while the other listens, and then the listener speaks whilst the
person formerly speaking listens.  When this works well for both parties,
it is said that they are exercising "social skills".  Social
skills are really unwritten but well delineated rules of communication, and
following these rules ensures that you will be at ease in any social situation.
 The primary rule of social skills doesn't involve talking at all - it
is,rather, listening, and listening actively.  This means that you show
great interest in the other person, in every respect of your being.
 Having an open posture, leaning in, making eye contact are the beginning,
and invite the other person in to your world.  Your responses to what the
person is saying need to signal that you are remaining interested - and your
facial expression says "tell me more".  Nodding, giving minimal
responses such as "uh huh", "ah!" and "mmm" show
the person speaking that you are fully engaged.  Paraphrasing what the
person has said also shows that you are really listening, for example "so,
your day ended well, in spite of all those other things that happened?".
 Asking questions is also part of exercising social skills - open or
exploratory questions that require more elaboration rather than a yes or no response.
 You could engage the person further in conversation by asking their
opinion about something else, and then responding with your own thoughts on
this.  

Can you see there is nothing here about being a witty, exciting,
or dazzling a captive audience when it comes to being socially successful, and
instead, it's all about listening to others and being interested and
empathetic?  But don't worry, your interesting life hasn't gone to waste.
 All those marvellous experiences will have built a wealth of understanding
and maturity into the matrix of your personality, making the acquisition and
exercising of your social skills just another challenge that you can take by
the horns and accomplish!

So next time you’re in a social situation, make sure you are
standing or sitting with an open posture, signalling that you are interested in
engaging with people.  Make eye contact,
listen carefully, respond in an interested way, and listen some more.  Then, you will be well on your way to being
an interesting, socially skilled guy!

Question: I am very socially uncomfortable and shy. When I have to talk to people for any length of time that I am not comfortable with (most people beyond immediate family and a few close friends) I start to feel very nervous. The big problem is as soon as I start to feel nervous my face starts to go very obviously red. And as soon as I can feel my face flushing I start to feel even more nervous because I know the other person knows I am nervous and so it just gets worse. What can I do to stop this situation?

Penny Bell Says...:

This is not
as uncommon as you might think.  There’s
even a name for it – social anxiety - and the symptoms are “marked and
persistent anxiety in social situations”. 
The thing that drives it is fear of embarrassment or humiliation, and
that is why it tends to become self-generating – you fear the obvious sign of
your anxiety, the flush in your facial skin, and that compounds the issue
further for you.  Situations where you
feel you are under scrutiny or have to perform exacerbate the anxiety are also
more problematic.  It is an anticipatory
anxiety and for some it can last for weeks leading up to the feared occasion and
can include fear of fainting, fear of losing bladder or bowel control or having
their mind go blank.  It usually begins
in childhood and in those who have a predisposition to shyness.

The
treatment for social anxiety is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, and includes
cognitive restructuring and exposure. 
The way this works is by learning and practicing new ways of thinking
and behaving by challenging present thinking, which is believed to be erroneous
or maladaptive, and this is usually taught in counselling sessions and
practiced outside in everyday life.  Relaxation
techniques are also used.  When cognitive
restructuring is paired with, ideally, exposure to the situation, or exposure
to a mental representation of the situation, the person ties the new way of
thinking to the situation, and new learning, or “habituation”, occurs.  The association between the situation and the
feared consequences is thus reduced, and the new way of thinking and feeling is
increased and strengthened. The person then experiences a difference in the
situation, and based on this new experience, there is an anticipation and
expectation of the next experience that is “de-fused”, and the fear is not so
intense.  This is a gradual process but it
does work!  So there is hope!

Some
therapists like to add the learning or revising of social skills to the
repertoire, and this can be helpful in planning “how you will be” in the
situation, acting more skilfully, being genuine, and being relaxed, which can also
be empowering.

When you
seek out a therapist to help you with your social anxiety, interview them to
make sure they understand the condition and its treatment, and it will be
uphill from there for you.  I wish you
all the best with it.

Question: My husband was killed in a car crash last year. He was a fantastic dad to our children and we are not over his loss. Now we have a new death to deal with. I have been estranged with my father for more than 10 years. He was an angry alcoholic that did and said some truly unforgivable things. Well now he is dying and he wants to make amends and more than that he wants to meet and get to know his grandkids before he dies. They are 5 and 8 and they have never met him before. He only has a few months to live. He is not drinking now and I have decided to forgive as much as I can so I can have a relationship with him before he dies. This after much soul searching. But what I am not sure about is if it is fair to my children to introduce them to a man that can be very lovable and charming when he wants to be, and then they will fall in love with him and then he will die. I have to put them first. Would they be better off never feeling this trauma after all they have been through?

Penny Bell Says...:

Firstly, I’d like to express
my sympathy for the loss of your husband. 
This is still so fresh, and now the situation with your dad has
certainly complicated matters for you.  I’m
glad you have decided to forgive your father, not so much for his sake but for
yours.  Holding on to resentment and
anger is not good for us on so many levels. 
But what does it mean, exactly, to forgive? 

Forgiveness is something
we need for ourselves, and doesn’t necessarily have to be of any benefit to the
other person.  It is about cancelling the
debt owed to us by them so that it’s not in the back of our minds all the time,
and releasing them from blame.  It takes
us off the hook that we are on with them.  When this is accomplished, we are then left
with having to fully own ourselves in the relationship, and the decisions we
make from that standpoint are wiser, as they are unpolluted by our
resentment.  Our newly acquired wisdom
tells us that it’s important to keep ourselves and those we love safe, and this
means establishing good boundaries for ourselves and for them.

Introducing your very
young children to a grandfather they have never met and who will not stay in
their lives for very long seems problematic at this point in time, particularly
as they have recently already lost a primary caregiver.  It’s problematic on the surface, but looking
underneath we may find a future where children now grown up wonder what their
grandfather was like, and wish they had been given a chance to meet him.

It might be worth
considering carefully guiding and navigating your children through this minefield
- explaining to them that they have a grandfather, that he’s very sick and will
soon pass away (and they thoroughly understand now what this means) but that there
is an opportunity to meet him (instead of saying that he is wanting to see
them, which could create a false sense of responsibility in them), then
eliciting their feedback on how they feel about this, may be a good way to
begin the process.  If it seems that it
will just all be too difficult for everyone, including you, you can decide from
that point not to go ahead.  If on the
other hand the children (and you) seem willing and able to take the risk, make
sure some good memories are created for them for later on – lots of pictures,
video and enjoyable experiences with Grandad. 
Allow for plenty of communication of thoughts and feelings
during the process, making your responses brief and simple, and keep an eye on
your own avoidance of the subject of death and dying or anything else around their
relationship with grandfather.  If you
are able to contain your children’s anxiety by answering questions and helping
them understand the situation when they need this they will handle things a lot
better than if they are left on their own with it.

Finally, having said all
that, I would like to emphasise that whatever happens, your decision needs to
be based on what is going to benefit the children, rather than what your father
would like.  When he is gone, they (and
you) will be left with the aftermath. But, if things go well, they will also be
left with some wonderful rich memories of a grandfather they once knew, albeit
briefly.

Question: I can’t stop thinking about things that I do not want to think about. Like horrible thoughts about hurting people. This makes me sound like a crazy but I am not like that at all. I don’t want to have these thoughts and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I have never hurt anyone physically. But I will be just walking down the street and I will see someone walking toward me and I will just start imagining I am pushing him into traffic, for example. Sometimes it feels so real I get really scared that I am going to actually do it and I have to get away from the person. I started feeling like this a few months ago and it is getting worse all the time. I have told my friends but they don’t understand how I feel. They are not scared of me because they know me and they know I am gentle. This is getting intolerable and I want to get help. Who should I go to talk to and how do I explain what is wrong with me? I know it sounds like I am crazy but I am not AT ALL. I am never going to actually do anything I just hate thinking these thoughts.

Penny Bell Says...:

It sounds as if you are
feeling extremely distressed by these thoughts and impulses, which is actually
a good sign that you are not going to act on them.  If the thought of harming someone was
pleasurable for you, it would be more of a concern!  But the fact that you are feeling so
distressed and are in fact instigating avoidance behaviours by getting away
from the object of the thought because you’re feeling scared you will actually
carry out the aggressive action tells me that you are suffering from an anxiety
rather than a macabre change in personality. 
It sounds as if your anxiety is double-edged – you are already anxious,
which is generating the obsessive thoughts, and you are also anxious you will
carry out the behaviour in your thoughts, and therefore doing avoidance
behaviours.  Anxiety begets anxiety, and
avoidance behaviours reinforce obsessions, and that is why you feel as if it is
getting worse.  Obsessive thoughts are often
part of a disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which is characterized by obsessions and compulsions.
 Obsessions are disturbing thoughts, images, or impulses that increase
feelings of anxiety. Compulsions, or rituals, are the strategies that
individuals with OCD use to reduce the anxiety associated with obsessions.   It’s important that
you find a therapist who is experienced in working with people who suffer from
OCD as there are specific therapies that have been found to be successful for
this.  Once you begin to do the work required
in therapy to short-circuit the “loop” your thoughts are running in, you will
find the relief you so desire and need.