Question: This is a stupid question. I am trying to quit marijuana and alcohol and I am also having a hard time with a bad break up with a person I had thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. A professional I spoke to about it recommended that I keep a journal. It sounded good and I even went out and bought a fancy leather looking notebook thingy to write in. Problem is, when I sat down to write I didn’t have a clue what I was supposed to talk about…like what I had for dinner that night or a list of what I had done that day. Honestly I couldn’t think of anything better to write about. Doesn’t seem very helpful. What kinds of things am I supposed to be writing down to make this work?

Mark Hughes Says...:

Well done for going out and buying a nice journal, and for puzzling over what to write about.

It isn't a silly question - the person who recommended it assumed you would know, but how could you if this is new to you! Just a mistake on their part.

So what to write about. Firstly, you're half way there realising that what you had for dinner isn't helpful. Its ok to write about things you did, ate and so on. It won't do any harm, but what people tend to find helpful is to include how they felt, or what they observe about situations that trigger feelings or behaviours.

So to start you might want to note down when you had alcohol. When marijuana. Maybe how much. If you can, how it affected you afterwards - did you feel great for the next day or a bit down. Energised, listless. Did you notice any behaviours that seemed to flow - "I snapped at my colleague" or "I had a really nice talk with my friend P" etc.

Next is to notice what happened before things that you see as good or bad. Did you feel sad, or did something disappoint you or...

I find evenings alone are a time when I'm most likely to seek comfort in a drink. Maybe there are times that you are more or less likely.

Writing a few notes at the end of each day, or a time that suits you, can help you develop awareness of what you do, think and feel. And to make links between them and things that happen to you, or times and places, people, and so on.

Another use of a journal can be to just "let it out". Let yourself write freely about how you feel about a situation or a person. It is a private personal journal, so you can write anything without censoring. It can be quite a surprise, even shocking what we really think and feel sometimes, especially about the people closest or most important to us. We can have raging and destructive feelings as well as loving and appreciating thoughts and feelings towards those we love and it can help to acknowledge these rather than bottle them up, or pretend they're not there.

I hope there are some things in what I've suggested that you can try and might find useful. If you'd like to let me know in a few weeks how you got on, please do. Maybe you'll find something I haven't suggested too.

I suggest you be patient and keep going for a while before you decide it doesn't work for you, especially if you start to think of it as silly. It may not feel useful at first, but give it a go and see.

Good luck,

Mark

Question: I am scared to get therapy. I think I need it but I can never make myself make an appointment or walk into an office to book a session. Not sure how you can help me with this but do you have any advice?

Mark Hughes Says...:

This is a difficult situation, wanting help but being afraid to ask. It is common, and I'm always conscious when someone comes to see me that it is often a difficult step to take. Somehow though, people find the courage, or the situation gets so desperate that they make the call and come along.

Usually it is a relief, because the fear is way out of proportion to the reality. But how can you know that is how it will be for you?

Different people will find this difficult for different reasons, so it is really hard to offer advice for you in particular. You will probably find it is far less of an ordeal than you fear, but you can't know that in advance.

So one option is to find ways to allay your fear - talking to people, asking questions like this one and so on. Perhaps you know someone who has had counselling, or there is someone you trust to tell about your interest and concerns?

Another option is to find something different, that might support you but which is not too scary to try. Perhaps a group of some kind. There are groups for many different issues, or just a group which is for people like you. For example a group for women, or for men (I don't know if you are male or female). Meetup.com is a place to seek out all kinds of groups, so you might find support that way.

Thirdly you might find ways to get there in smaller less scary steps. Maybe just to phone up and enquire about prices, with no intention to book a session. Then to enquire about sessions, times, kinds of issue and so on. If you manage this once, you might then try phoning some different counsellors. At some point you might say, ok, I'll try one session but then I'll come away and decide if I want to do more in my own time. These ideas can help to limit your fear - just to the single step - and to give yourself a pre-planned way to decide in your own time when you are ready for the next step.

I hope I've given you some useful ideas to consider. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you'll find a way to get the help you want, whether with a counsellor, a group, or something else. Keep going until you find something that works for you!

Mark

Question: My fiancée says she loves me and I love her completely but there are a lot of times when I do not believe her. She simply doesn’t act like it. I have no real money or anything like that so there is no reason for her to be marrying me other than because she wants to. Is there some way I can find out if she really loves me for real? What is the number one sign that proves a person loves another?

Mark Hughes Says...:

There is no "test" for love, thank goodness! Your question echoes the scientific attitude that is prevalent in society, and while science could measure levels of chemicals and hormones in various parts of your fiancee's body, it will not give you a satisfactory answer.

Partly because a human being is too complex to be reduced to crude incomplete measurements. By the way, I studied science in depth before training as a counsellor - so I am not anti-science. I believe it is important and can help us in many ways, but it has its limits!

Another reason there is no way to test love, is that it is not just about her. Love is always two, and in fact one of the most wonderful things about intimate relationship is that it can teach us this, as well as shine a light into the dark corners within ourself.

This I think is one way to see what is happening to you. Perhaps you can't be sure you love her until you know she loves you? I suggest you consider why are you asking for certainty about her love, because nothing she says or does can make you certain if there is doubt within you, and frankly there always will be somewhere. Doubt is healthy, but we don't like the feelings, so it is common to find ways of ignoring the doubt or putting off facing it as long as possible. Consider why you want to know this now, but were able to accept her love or ignore the doubt for so long.

Can you see how the question can't be answered without considering yourself. Why I say this is about both of you? If you can step back for a moment, try to reflect on your question: see what feelings are there inside you in your not knowing for sure if she really loves you. Be curious and wonder what this might says about you.

Perhaps you could tell her how you feel about this, and that you would like to be certain she loves you? This is likely to be scary - because just like marrying you are going to have to take a risk with your precious and vulnerable heart. To risk being hurt if she doesn't love you, or if she does things which make you feel like she doesn't even though she does. That is relationship I'm afraid, at least that is intimacy, which is I think what we most want in a relationship, but which is often very difficult to bear. Intimacy is both a wonderful connection with another, but since it means opening ourselves and being vulnerable, it is both scary and leaves us easily hurt, very sensitive to things that our partner says or does.

I'm sorry, but I can't tell you how to tell if she loves you, and nor can anyone else. Even she may have doubts - don't you sometimes? If not yet, then one day you are bound to, because every relationship has its difficulties and with that comes doubt. The best way, and one of the beautiful benefits of an intimate relationship is that we can learn how to sail through the difficult periods, the emotions, the doubting or hurtful thoughts, be becoming intimate with ourselves - as I suggested earlier (above).

In time you can become less blown about by the storms inside you, and can begin to sense what is your own, and what is really linked to your partner.

You question is not unusual at this stage in relationship, but if your doubts or feelings become problematic, you may find counselling helpful, either as a couple or for yourself to explore what they mean for you, and help you find your way.

I wish you well and hope you'll find much joy in your relationship, and give yourself credit for the courage it takes to be open to another, to be vulnerable. In my opinion, this is far more difficult than the "macho" ideas we have about men and courage, which tend to be a result of training or conditioning, and less about choice and truly facing feelings of fear, or even terror that lurk within an intimate relationship.

Love has a lot to teach us, but is something we will never understand scientifically :-)

Mark