Question: I used to have crushes on people and had relationships in high school and I have been in love, I think, but never in a serious relationship as a so-called adult. I had a really messy ugly relationship in my first year of college and it ended with him abusing and controlling me. Not pleasant and so I decided to forget dating for a while and concentrate on my studies. So that’s worked out well except here I am, 9 years later, with a graduate degree and a very good job, and no love life at all. I have been on a few blind dates but that’s about it. I want a relationship but the issue is I feel nothing inside for any man I ever meet. I feel dead inside in this way and I hate it but I am at a loss on how to wake myself up so I can feel love again. I am an icicle and I want to be lava.

Dr. Maria Rothenburger Says...:

Hi Anonymous,

It sounds like you've had some serious trauma, which is preventing you from allowing yourself to fall in love again (i.e. be vulnerable...it's a pretty scary thing). I would recommend you seek counseling to work through your past experiences and to help you learn to stop letting them control you and to let them go so there's room for more love.  The "feeling dead" inside sounds like an automatic, reflexive response to men, because you've been hurt by a man.  It's just a defense mechanism and can absolutely be reversed.  Other resources are hypnotherapy and perhaps a support group for other women like you. 

 All the best,

~Maria

Question: My wife is a perfectionist. I thought it was cute at first but now I worry that it’s actually really harmful to her mental health. She’ll stress out over every little thing and whenever she makes a little mistake or when she gets any kind of negative feedback from her boss she goes into a funk that can last for days. She just beats herself up over this. I have talked to her about this. She doesn’t think there is anything wrong with how she sees the world. What I see is that it makes her miserable a lot of the time and it really doesn’t do her any good. Considering that she hasn’t asked me to help her change on this, is there any way I can get her to not take things so hard when they don’t go perfectly as planned?

Dr. Maria Rothenburger Says...:

Hi Anonymous,

I absolutely understand the frustration you must feel that your wife is so stressed out over these things and to see her suffer the way she seems to be. The difficult part about this is that *she* doesn't see a problem with her thoughts or her beating herself up. So, unfortunately, there isn't much that you can do except be a support for her during those times. Hopefully in time, her need to have a controlled world will be shadowed by the anxiety and misery her thoughts bring, and she'll be able to seek help.

Be well,

~Maria

Question: Is there any point in forgiving someone from my past who really hurt me even though I do not think I will ever see this person again. I am sorry for not wanting to give you any details about what happened but I prefer to keep these private. Suffice to say the person was much older than me and he did me very lasting harm. This happened more than 10 years ago and it has haunted me every day since.

Dr. Maria Rothenburger Says...:

Hello Anonymous,

There is often a misconception about forgiveness; most people believe one needs to approach someone in a physical way and offer peace of some kind. This isn't the case. Forgiveness is about you. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself to release the power that this person has over you. There are a myriad of ways you can begin to forgive the deep pain he has caused you, and I encourage you to seek out those you feel would work for you (a quick Google search should bring up a lot).

Bottom line: Forgiveness is always worth it.

Be well,

~Maria

Question: Can therapy teach me how to make friends? I am very alone in my life and I am tired of watching everyone else at work go out and have fun together and not invite me. I want to go with them but it is like I don't know how to make it happen and I think they think I do not like them even though this is not true. I have come to the conclusion that friends on internet forums aren't much of a substitute for real people in the same room.

Dr. Maria Rothenburger Says...:

Yes!  Therapy can absolutely help you learn how to make friends!  You're right about cyber friends; somehow chatting it up or hanging out with a live person is more socially satisfying and less isolating.  I wish you well.  And I wish you a LOT of IRL friends who invite you out on a regular basis.

Be well,

~Maria

Question: I dont abuse xanax,but I do feel like im addicted,ive taken half of a 2mg pill twice a day for three years,ive tried tapering but im still sick,what else can I do the anxiety and panic attacks are worst,but worst I feel like I may have a seizure and thats what I am afraid of.

Dr. Maria Rothenburger Says...:

Hi Ypayne,

You'll want to talk to a psychiatrist about the Xanax and seizures as I am not a medical professional and cannot offer a recommendation where those two items are concerned.  It seems that you want to stop taking the Xanax, is that right?  If you speak with a therapist, s/he should be able to help you find other ways outside of medication for handling the anxiety and panic attacks. You'll want to look specifically for a CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) therapist.

Be well,

~Maria

Question: I have been having some real trouble coping with stuff over the last year, or maybe longer. My dad died early last year at the age of 63 from a heart attack and that was a real shock. We had owned a sporting goods store as business partners. Now it’s all on me and while I had thought for a while that I wanted to run the show on my own, I never meant that I wanted my dad dead so I could do it and now that I am on my own, I am finding it very difficult and realize how much he brought to the table. Over the past year, for a lot of reasons I think, business has really slumped and I have also started having a lot of trouble with my 14 year old son, who is really rebelling now. I just feel like my life’s been knocked off kilter lately and I can’t seem to right it back to how it should be, no matter how I try. My wife says I am depressed and she wants me to talk to a therapist. I do not believe that I am depressed but I do see that things are not as they should be and I would be truly grateful if I thought there was someone that could help me. The problem is I have a very hard time believing that just sitting on a couch and talking to someone about my problems is going to help me in any real way. It won’t exactly make my problems disappear, will it? I have been trying to get a straight answer on how a therapist would help me get my life back in order and I haven’t really been able to get a straight answer so far. So what I want to know is, what would a therapist do that would help me to get my life back on track? Most of the time people seem to say a therapist will help me to see the problem more clearly, but I already know what the problems are, I just don’t have the solutions I need.

Dr. Maria Rothenburger Says...:

Hi Anonymous,

You are totally right....a therapist will not make your problems disappear.  And it also seems you are very clear and have insight into what those problems are.  It's easy to think that sitting on a couch and chatting about issues would be completely useless; I get that.  

Therapists all operate differently, so finding the right fit can be challenging.  Sometimes what keeps us (not just you, but humans) from progressing and healing is that we have to keep going in our daily lives despite our hurting.  With you, specifically, you've suffered a great loss in your life (maybe even some guilt about losing your dad?)), and your stress has increased with work making it more difficult to heal.  Anyone would have a difficult time with everything you're going through!

What therapy does is help you find peace, focus, and solution-focused skills in order to move on and flourish in life.  A therapist is a neutral person who doesn't judge you.  He/She meets you where you are emotionally and mentally, helps you identify what is and what is not working for you, and helps you figure out your next moves.  My personal style is not to give advice, because what works for you wouldn't work for another.  I personally prefer to help people figure out what works for them, because you know you better than anyone else on the planet.

If you want a solution-focused therapist that will offer short-term therapy to get you over this hump, I would suggest a Cognitive-Behavioral Therapist (CBT).  I hope this has helped if even in a small way.

Be well, and may you find healing and loads of success in the future,

~Maria