Question: Loren, I saw your answer to a question about Neurofeedback for depression but it was from 2012. Was wondering if you had any current opinion about it. My son, 20, has just admitted to having severe depression. He has been mediating with marijuana for three years heavily and has admitted that's how he pushes down any uncomfortable emotion he feels. He had a mental breakdown ten days ago and has been in the hospital since. Yesterday he tried cutting his wrists there and today admitted that he has suffered from depression for years and never told anyone. Antidepressants scare him (and me) with all the side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Please advise on what you think could help. thank you so much. Wendy

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I am sorry to hear that your son (and you) is in such a crisis. 

I strongly believe that neurofeedback can be very helpful in shifting how your son's brain reacts to the feelings he has taught himself to bury. It can also be effective in changing the addictive behavior that has resulted in his use of marijuana.
However, and it's a big however, neurofeedback does not create an immediate shift in feelings, responses and behaviors. Your son is experiencing a crisis and that needs to be addressed appropriately before any long term therapeutic interventions can be implemented. While I understand your concerns regarding the side effects of antidepressants, they can be very effective in the short term so that he can through this crisis. While he is in the hospital, I would strongly recommend that you contact the eeg insititute (www.eeginfo.com). They are located in California and can give you the name(s) of trusted practitioners (hopefully located near you) who could work with your son and offer the best possible outcome.
It also matters right now what the cause of your son's depression is... is it a result of a biochemical imbalance or is it the result of how he has handled life issues that he's experienced. To that end the ongoing therapeutic interventions will make a difference. 
Other than  you as a caring parent, what are your son's support systems? This aspect of his ongoing therapy also needs to be addressed. Is your son is school or is he working, and what schedule does he have so that he can include some out patient therapy programs (groups can be very effective) to help him come through this crisis and help him to learn and implement new and different coping skills.
The bottom line answer is that yes, I believe that neurofeedback can prove to be helpful and beneficial to your son, but please first deal with getting his system stabilized and balanced so that future interventions can be truly beneficial.  I would also look into craniosacral therapy and acupuncture as additional therapeutic interventions. 

I wish you all the best going forward, and please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Question: How to do you make new year’s resolutions that you keep for longer than a few days. I am tired of my life and I want to get healthy and actually do something good this year rather than just spend it on the couch smoking weed and playing GTA. I am not addicted to anything in particular but I have spent way too many years living like a student in a student ghetto (except for the part where I don’t actually go to school) so I am sort of addicted to irresponsibility and laziness. I am 29 and I work at Starbucks.

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

So glad that you recognize that you're "tired of your lifestyle". That is a huge first step for making any resolution stick. The next step is to state an intention... perhaps it's to go back to school, get training, find something that you are passionate about that you might explore further to see if and how it might have earning potential, etc. Step 2 is to break down into small steps what you need to do to achieve your goal(s). Maybe the first step is to get out of your apartment to exercise... this doesn't necessarily mean joining a gym; you might start walking, running, getting an exercise video, etc anything that brings about a change in your daily routine. Each of these steps has to be something a) you want to do b) you are willing to do c) see the activity as something that moves you toward your bigger goal.

Saying that you are tired of what your life is right now is one thing... what is it that you want? Saying that you are addicted to irresponsibility and laziness tells me that you feel stuck and unmotivated; that nothing has piqued your interest. Have you ever been interested/excited about anything other than video games and getting stoned? Think about whatever it was that used to inspire you, no matter how long ago... it's hard to move forward in your life when you label yourself lazy. This behavior started for a reason and while that reason may no longer exist you have developed a habit which has become an addiction. So, today, you get to assert that you are ready to embrace your free will and no longer be a slave to lethargy, laziness and weed.

Since this behavior is something you feel like you want to be done with, and haven't quite yet been able to move forward in a new direction, I wonder also if you might be feeling depressed? Often people label themselves with other names (usually critical, self-debasing ones), but the root of the issue is not so much behavioral as bio-chemical.  Depression/ taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally can also be addressed as part of your new year's resolution. You can seek out a therapist, life coach, mentor, etc.

So, to make a resolution last beyond a few days, make sure you do something every day that honors your resolution. Make sure you stay focused on your goal... keep your eye on your prize. Take small steps everyday that feel empowering and goal oriented and then give yourself small rewards for a job well done. Small rewards might be watching your favorite tv show, meeting friends for an hour at the end of the day...

Make sure you write down your goals and all the steps you can take to achieve them and each time you do something that moves you forward jot it down, make a check mark, etc. and then schedule a reward for yourself. It is also helpful if you share your goal(s) with a friend who will support and encourage you and can be your accountability partner... someone you check in with daily to reinforce your commitment to yourself. Remember: you are worth taking care of, and your goals and dreams really do matter.  I wish you the best going forward and may your journey for this year and beyond be as successful as you dare it to be...

Question: How do I stop caring so much (too much) what other people think about me so I can live my life according to what should be most important to me?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

What a great question, and one that to make the life adjustment that you are asking about requires a few commitments from you.  Usually people who care (too much) about what other people think are looking for their approval, love, acceptance, etc.  There is an underlying fear that if you don't act or agree with the other people, they will not love you, they'll reject you or they will in some way punish you. As long as you live with that belief/fear, then changing your perspective and attitude remains very challenging. However, once you make the commitment to take care of yourself first then you will begin to care less what others think...

Self-esteem and self-respect are at the root of making the change you are asking about. So all changes start with reinforcing the belief "Who I Am Is Enough".  You are lovable and worthwhile and deserving of love, acceptance and respect even when you don't agree with the people around you.

So, step #1 to care less about what others think about you is to explore the fear within you that arises at the mere thought about what others think of you. When the fear-based thought/belief becomes clear to you, ask yourself "Is what I fear/believe really true?" I realize that you may "think" it's true, but is it really true? I tell my clients all the time "don't believe everything you think"; allow yourself to really examine your thought/belief/fear.

#2 IF your fear really isn't true then it's a matter of how you choose to handle their negative reactions. What really will happen if they disagree with you? They'll feel angry, disappointed, upset, confused, etc... In many situations someone will feel these things... it doesn't always have to be YOU!

#3 Every time you deny your needs, feelings and integrity, you undermine your belief in yourself. You can go to my blog posts and check them out because the most recent ones have been all about setting boundaries that are healthy, respectful and compassionate first and foremost to you, yourself. (www.beingwellwithin.com/blog) 

#4. If your goal is to live a life that honors your integrity and worth, then it is imperative that you stay focused on that goal in all your interactions with the people around you. Ask and answer "What is my desired outcome?" A desired outcome has to be a)what you want, NOT what you don't want, and b) it has to be something over which you have control...You have control over asking for what you want and need from others, but no control as to whether it is something they can or will give to you. 

5. There are many other ways of shifting your perspective from caring more about others' opinions than your own, and reading some self-help books can be beneficial and productive. A few that I recommend are:the book I coauthored: Being Well Within: From Distressed to De-Stressed , Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life, or Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. 

6. In September, my telephone support group will be starting  and it focuses on your very question and takes you through setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, dealing with guilt and emotional blackmail, focusing on your goals and needs, etc. You can reach out to me to talk further about this if you want to work more actively on letting go of the power you give to others.

7. The line from Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem: The Invitaiton is particularly appropriate for your question:

"...I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy..."

I do hope that this gives you a start on your journey to living empowered and knowing you really can live "well within".

Question: If I hear voices but I know that I am hearing voices does this mean I have schizophrenia. I hear voices in my head. They sound like other people talking to me. It is not like they are telling to do horrible things or anything. They just talk to me. I have been like this for as long as I can remember. Should I be worried that this will get worse? If it does not really bother me do I need to get treatment for it or should I just leave it alone?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

Well, your question seems to bring up more questions than answers.  I would tell you to please speak with a licensed therapist in person to discuss what is really going on for you. People often relate to "voices" in their heads that are thoughts they have that came from other people in their lives (ie: mothers, fathers, teachers, ministers, etc...) Some people "hear" voices that are not related to their past or to their beliefs, etc Both situations need to be addressed so that you can have a better understanding of what all this means and how it impacts (or could impact) your life.

I am glad to hear that this does not really bother you, but since you sought out information about your situation, then it is taking up space and time in your day, and therefore I believe it should be addressed. I would recommend that you seek out a psychotherapist who can evaluate with you what is going on and insure you are taking the best possible care of yourself.

Voices in your head don't always have to be telling you to do terrible things, but when they cause unnecessary distractions from everyday living then the issue needs to be addressed appropriately.  If, as you say, you have been aware of them forever, I wonder if you have told anyone about this, and I wonder how it impacts your life.  Like I stated, I would recommend that you speak with a psychotherapist (Licensed Clinical social Worker, PhD, or MD) who can most accurately assess what is happening. I strongly suggest that you get a recommendation from someone you trust, (perhaps your family doctor).

Question: What are the main signs that a person is addicted to another person. I am in a very volatile and rocky relationship. I do not think you could call it a happy relationship. But I am totally unable to stay away from this other person. This has been an ongoing situation for more than a year and it is different from other relationships I have had in the past. It’s like an uncontrollable compulsion to be with this person.

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I think that you have mentioned ways to know that you are in a relationship that is addictive.  There is a huge difference between loving someone and wanting to be with them and feeling a compulsion to be with someone especially when what you describe is a rocky and volatile relationship. I'd look very seriously at what it is you believe you are getting from this relationship that is beneficial to and for you. I'd ask some questions that demand answers beyond "I don't know"...  Questions like: 1. What does this drama do for me?  2. What does the volatility look and sound like? 3. will I feel guilty if I break this off?  4. What else in my life am I avoiding by staying in this relationship?  (It's important to note that any addiction allows us to avoid our deeper feelings and concerns) So, if there are other issues in your life that you do not want to face, don't feel ready to face, are afraid to face, etc. then your relationship is serving a purpose for you.  It doesn't mean it's a healthy purpose, but it is serving a purpose.

When you say it's not a happy relationship, but you cannot stay away, I would strongly advise you to seek counseling for yourself first, and then if you continue to feel that you want to be in this relationship, I'd definitely want you to seek couple's counseling to see if the dynamics in your relationship can be changed and made healthier.   If you do not have someone who can recommend a therapist near where you live,call your medical insurance carrier for a list of providers.

Please don't wait too long to seek the guidance and support you need to make a healthy choice for yourself and your life.  You've already spent a year in this relationship and you do not sound happy or content with it, or you would not have written... so, a part of you already knows that you need to do something differently in order to move forward in your life differently. 

Question: I am interested in learning more about biofeedback for food addiction. I have very strong food cravings and urges to eat and these are very physical in nature. Would you agree that biofeedback can help a person to master her cravings by learning to control the physical sensations that lay beneath the metal processes? So does biofeedback work for food addicts or not. I confess I can’t understand the research that was sent to me by a friend. If it works how long does it take for biofeedback to ‘cure’ my very strong cravings?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

Let's start with the fact that the purpose of any addiction is to keep you away from your feelings... or to keep you from feeling your feelings.  For you it's food.  Your underlying urges for food and to eat are so strong that they seem irresistible.  I have to ask what you are desperately trying to avoid dealing with?

You are asking about biofeedback which is different from neurofeedback.  I am not sure what information your friend sent to you, but I encourage you to read about neurofeedback and how it works to help balance the right and left hemispheres of your brain so that internal reactions and responses to stimuli changes.  However, since addiction to food is a very emotional and complex issue, I encourage you to seek out a qualified therapist in this area... there are many good therapists who can help you to deal with what has triggered your intense connection to food and eating.  There are also a variety of interventions that can be helpful in your search to quiet your cravings, eliminate your addictive behavior with food and help you to feel more in control and centered, especially when it come to handling your particular food issues.  You can look into hypnotherapy, changing your relationship with food in general and focusing on your self-esteem and self-empowerment which will also have a huge impact on how you handle your food cravings.  

I hope that this gives you some clarity and focus as you move forward toward your goal of taking good care of yourself.  There is no quick fix though there are options for getting the support you need and deserve to deal more effectively with the issues in your life.  Please contact me if you have any additional questions or concerns. 

Question: I used to burn myself on purpose when I was 15 sometimes. I stopped because I knew it was wrong and dangerous but I really don’t know how I stopped it seems to me I just did. Now I am 24 and I am doing it again all of a sudden. I am really depressed and messed up because I just broke up with my boyfriend and things are not going very good in my life. I know that burning myself is stupid and I want to stop myself. I never burn myself very much and no one knows that I do it. I wish I could remember how I stopped before but I don’t. What I want to ask you is how do I stop doing it when I get the feeling that I want to because it feels like something I cant control.

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

Yes, you already know that what you are doing is both unhealthy and dangerous to your health and well-being. That's a good starting point.  I don't know what you did 10 years ago that got you to stop, but it sounds like now you need to deal with the root of your pain.  People who do harm to themselves (cutting, burning, self-mutilation, etc.) generally do so to release their emotional pain on a physical level.  Once you effectively deal with your emotional pain, your need to do harm to yourself with stop. The key here, though, is for you to be willing to deal with your emotional pain.  The purpose of any addiction (and cutting/burning yourself is an addictive behavior) is to keep you away from your feelings.  You mention that your life is not going well, and that you recently broke up with your boyfriend.  I am sorry that things are hard for you right now, but the key phrase here is "right now".  We learn about ourselves through life experiences and whatever you are going through now means you have an opportunity to learn, grow and evolve.  Hurting yourself just keeps you locked in a cycle of pain, despair and powerlessness. 

Ok, that said, now you can get down to really dealing with the issues that have triggered an old coping technique. A coping technique that is not effective in helping you to deal with your pain in a real way.  You should absolutely work with a licensed psychotherapist. This therapist should have expertise in dealing with addictive behaviors or at least be someone who has an expertise in helping people to cope with severe traumas in their lives.  Your history of burning yourself tells me that there is some serious pain you have been avoiding for a long time, and you deserve to work with someone who is skilled and willing to help you understand and cope with it.  You might also want to explore doing some hypnotherapy to help you get to the root of your distress so that your habit of burning yourself can be eliminated altogether.  Additionally, neurofeedback can be really helpful in eliminating the internal urge to burn yourself.  It's a great adjunct to talk therapy.  Some additional interventions that people have found to be helpful are Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR).  I would also recommend looking into some meditation, and mindfulness practices to help reduce some of your overall stress, anxiety and depression. 

There are also a number of really great self-help books to guide you along your new path of self-esteem, self-empowerment and self-respect.  My book is one place to start, Being Well Within: From Distressed to De-Stressed  You might also want to read books or listen to audio files by Louise Hay.  Please know that there is a lot of great help available to you if you are willing to pursue it.  You deserve to live fully and feel good about who you are.  Please do not define yourself by a relationship or lack of one... who you are is enough as you are!  That is the start of your healing journey. 

Question: Is it ever healthy to refuse to forgive someone? I have a spiritual teacher who says life is short, forgive everyone today and leave your hurt and anger behind. But I am not sure I can forgive some of the people from my past and if I do it seems like I trivialize the very not trivial things that were done to me?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

As challenging as forgiveness may seem to be, your spiritual teacher is spot on.  Forgiveness is absolutely NOT about those who caused you pain!  Forgiveness is NOT about trivializing the events.  Forgiveness is allowing you to move forward with freedom in your life.  As long as you hold on to the events that have occurred, as terrible as they may have been, YOU suffer, and YOU are in pain.  The others... they have gone on with their lives.  Please note, that events that have occurred already, have already happened.  Nothing you do or say will undo them.  Forgiveness lets you move forward.  Getting the guidance and support you need to deal with the injuries, whatever they were, can happen through counseling, forgiveness workshops, spiritual guidance, books, etc. There are options available to you, but I strongly recommend that you do the forgiveness work to empower your life and improve your overall health and well-being. 

Not forgiving is like you drinking poison and expecting someone else to get sick...Forgiving is letting go of all hope for a better past...

In September, I'll be doing an all day Forgiveness Workshop (www.workshopsbybeingwellwithin.com) There is a good online program starting in August  (http://www.howtoforgive-ecourse.com/registration/  with Sheri Rosenthal)  Colin Tipping also offers many forgiveness programs (www.radicalforgiveness.com)

I wrote an article with some exercises in it to help with forgiveness.  If you would like it, please send me an e-mail and I'll get it to you.  I guess, the bottom line is, for your own sake, please forgive... it will be the best gift you ever give yourself.  (Loren@beingwellwithin.com)

Question: I think something happened to me when I was a at a summer camp when I was a very young kid. I have these weird dreams about it all the time and I feel like I am repressing some sort of terrible event. I feel like this event that I don’t even remember is affecting me today and is making me into a suspicious and paranoid person when what I really want is to be able to embrace life. I want to move past this whatever it is and I am ready to face it. Is hypnosis the best way to deal with this? Is there much of a risk of false memories? Is there a better way than hypnosis?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

Great question... I'm sorry that you are feeling that something you can't quite put your finger on is interfering in your life.  Hypnotherapy is a very powerful and worthwhile therapeutic intervention to help learn what it is that is getting in your way.  It is important that you establish a good rapport with your therapist prior to having a hypnotherapy session because a big part of hypnotherapy is about trust.  The therapist should not be the one to "suggest" a memory, but rather you can discuss the issues that are coming up for you and what it is that you feel is lurking in the background.  Hypnotherapy would be what I would recommend to uncover the memory that seems to be haunting you... A good place to seek a qualified hypnotherapist would be through the Wellness Institute.  They provide training for heart-centered hypnotherapy which is a very supportive and compassionate modality, and the practitioners have a reputation of operating with a great deal of integrity.  I hope that this is helpful to you.  Please let me know if you need any additional information or input.  All the best, Loren (www.beingwellwithin.com)

Question: I am in a bad situation. I have always gotten along very well with my mother in law so when she could no longer stay alone at home because of her dementia I said that of course she could come to stay with us. I don’t know if I didn’t know her like I thought I did or if she has really changed a lot in the past year but I have come to a point now where I hate her. I spend all of my waking hours with her every day and I never get a break from her complaining. The problem is we used a lot of the money she had earmarked for a retirement home to do renos on our house to make it more livable for her. So I feel like I am stuck with her. I feel awful to say this but I have on some occasions been rougher with her than I should have been. I feel awful afterward but sometimes I just lose control for a second. I have never told anyone else that I have done this. I am not the kind of person that hurts people. Or at least I didn’t think I was. I guess I gave learned some unpleasant truths about myself this past year. I am disgusted with myself but I am also totally frazzled. What can I do to make sure I can keep myself under control even at the worst of times?

Loren Gelberg-Goff Says...:

I really do understand your frustration... Dealing with someone with dementia is never easy, and when they are living with you it's even harder.  Take a deep breath... Help can be found.  First, in order to make this arrangement that you have now with your mother-in-law work, you need support... either from local support groups for care-givers (found through County Services for the Seniors), Alzheimers association, Adult Day Programs, etc.  It would also be helpful if in your community there are senior centers that have day programs for people with dementia... Any of these options would help to give you a break from caring for your mother-in-law.  You do need and deserve a break!

Caring for someone with dementia is very challenging, and since they don't get better, they only decline in their abilities, frustration mounts. While I'm sure you feel very badly that you have lost your patience and temper with your mother-in-law, it's time to seek the help beyond just this letter, so that you feel supported and aided during this very overwhelming time in your lives. 

You don't mention your spouse and whether or not he/she is participating in any way, or supportive of what you are dealing with.  This is a situation that requires both of you to work together to give and receive the loving support and compassion you both need... It's hard enough to watch a parent deteriorate, but doing the care-giving is a double whammy.

I don't know what your finances are, but if you can put money toward any help at home with your mo-in-law... for bathing, dressing, etc. that would be an enormous help to you as well. There are registries that have home health aides, as well as professionals whose job it is to help people handle all the responsibilities of elder care. 

I'm glad that you wrote in to start the process moving forward for you to get the help, support and compassion you so clearly need.  Take a deep breath, and take the next step in making the much needed changes in how you are providing for the care and well-being of your mother-in-law.  Please let me know if you need any further assistance. (Loren@beingwellwithin.com)