Question: I have  really hard time with relationships with friends and also with girlfriends because I always get really suspicious that they are talking about me behind my back or disrespecting me or using me for my money and I always blow up at them or cut them out of my life. It has happened so many times that I find out later that I was wrong but whenever I try to make up for it after the fact it never really works out because of what I said in the heat of the moment. Right now I am very alone and in a bad place. I know that I am like this and that I don't act rationally but I keep repeating the same pattern over and over again so I also know that I cannot control myself. What do I have to do to learn to change so I can manage to keep a friendship or relationship for more than a few months?

Linda Richardson Says...:

Counseling can provide you with an opportunity to discover the root of your difficulties with trust and commitment, then work to overcome these areas.

Often times, a person with these issues will need to improve their self-esteem and self-confidence. If these thoughts seem to arise from an overall prolonged and hightened feeling of suspiciousness, other forms of treatment, such as medication, may be helpful.

Brief counseling work can put you on the right track to getting the proper treatment for your situation.

Question: My dad passed on his bad temper to me. He was a very harsh man and when he got angry it was quite scary for my brother and me. He didn't hit us often but he would spank us with his belt when he was really mad. I swore I would never be a parent like him but now that my son is 6 and my daughter is 4 I can see that I often can't control my anger and I am too hard on my children and that they are scared of me like I was of my dad. This is not what I want. I feel like I cannot control myself when I get very angry with them. How can I learn to stop getting so angry so I can be a better dad to my children?

Linda Richardson Says...:

First, let me say that your insight into the situation with your children and your determination to have a good relationship with them is commendable. I'm glad you want to improve things for yourself and your children.

My advice... Absolutely seek help with this. Anger is a complex emotion that very often involves many layers of other emotions. Gaining insight into your anger and other emotions, your thoughts and actions, and the way your cope can be very helpful in finding internal peace and calm.

Some areas of help for you might include: counseling, talking to clergy, parenting classes and/or parenting support groups. Each of these can provide you with alternative ways to cope with stressful situations, understand alternative approaches to parenting that help you get better results, and allow you to voice your concerns or frustrations. 

Use your empathy for your childrens' situation to keep you motivated toward change.

Question: What's better for anger management, yoga or meditation? I have to get control of my temper but I am not really the kind of guy who would normally do either activity so I am kind of lost. Someone at HR suggested that I try one after I lost it at a subordinate this week.

Linda Richardson Says...:

Both of these ideas, yoga and/or meditation, can be beneficial for finding internal states of calm, peace, and relaxation. However when anger is effecting your daily activities such as work, and there is HR involvement, you may need additional help for dealing with your anger in a healthy manner. My recommendation is that you seek counseling, anger management classes, and/or a relevant support group in your area to address your anger. These will provide you with options and information that may give you relatively quick relief and self-control; which will also provide the calm, peace, and relaxation you could be looking for. Best of luck.

Question: My wife and I do not have a very happy marriage. There is nothing really wrong but I am afraid I no longer feel like I am in love with her and I think that I, and maybe both of us, would probably be happier on our own or with other people. I have not really spoken this out loud to my wife because she would be devastated by the idea of ending our marriage and so until I am sure it is something we should do I should not bring it up. We don’t really fight that much and we get along OK, but there is just very little spark between the two of us anymore. If it were just the two of us I would just go ahead and do it, but we have 2 small children. I talked to my dad about what I should do and he told me to basically suck it up and that it was not fair to the kids to break up the family while they are still young, especially since there is nothing really dramatically wrong in the marriage. Basically he said I was selfish to put my own need for happiness and excitement in front of the needs of my small children for a dad in the house. I love my kids and I want to do what is right for them but I also don’t want to waste my life away wishing I were somewhere else. At what age are children more able to handle divorce and a dad who doesn’t live at home anymore?

Linda Richardson Says...:

Your situation is not uncommon and there are things that can be done. Please consider couples counseling to address your experience in your marriage. Counseling offers a great deal of potential to improve your situation. Your counselor may also be able to help you with decisions that are in the best interest of your children.