Question: How do I know if the way my partner treats me is emotional abuse or not. We have been together for 9 months and are living together. He often makes me feel stupid for no reason but when I ask him why he does this he says he is just kidding and why cant I take a joke and then he makes me feel like I am no fun at all to be with and he won't talk to me for a day or so. I love him but sometimes i am not sure if the way he makes me feel is healthy for me.

Jill Palmer Says...:

Emotional abuse is different for different people. If you feel bad about the way your partner is treating you and he won't honor how you feel about it, there is something off. I don't know if it's your communication style together which is off or your dynamics with each other. Communication is about talking in a language our partner can understand and about our partner wanting to understand what we are trying to communicate. If communication isn't the problem, then maybe it's not in the understanding but in how to change one's behavior. How was he taught to be a man and how to be in a relationship?

Whether you are in a healthy relationship or not depends on how you feel about it. Are you happy enough? Are you the best you? Are you fulfilled enough? Is this really about a difference in sense of humor or is there something behind his words that isn't loving? 

I would try talking to him about how his words affect you and see how he responds. Does he take your seriously and is sorry or does he get defensive and justify his words? You might want to seek counseling to get the wording right with your partner or to determine whether you think you are being emotionally abused. A therapist can help you to feel more empowered to make appropriate decisions for your life and how you want to be treated. A therapist an also help you communicate in a way that is better understood by your partner.

I hope this helps some. 

Jill Palmer, LPC

Question: I am a 38 year old engineer. I am reasonably successful at work and I am blessed with a lovely wife and with 3 fantastic children. My wife is great and she is my best friend. I am blessed except I have no real male friends. I don't know why this is but after high school, when I had lots of buddies, I have had a lot of trouble making friends with other men. I can be quite relaxed and joking with my family but when I am with people outside of my family I get really tight and I become this other more serious person. I can recognize after about 20 years of failures that people don't really like this other guy, my public persona, but even though I know this I cannot really change how I act around people. I am wondering if a psychiatrist could help me I guess. I feel foolish to be writing this even but my wife has convinced me I might be happier if I could get past this in life. 

Jill Palmer Says...:

Thank you for the question. It sounds like you have a little social anxiety (without getting more information) which is very common. I have several male engineer clients who have a similar issue that are you describing and it is possible to change. You can absolutely work on overcoming your public persona and start being more genuine in all environments. I agree that working on this issue will bring you more happiness since you will be more you, more of the time. You will also be modeling how to overcome fear and how to be more happy for your children.

You can go to a psychiatrist and try medication or you can go to a licensed counselor, social worker, or psychologist and work on skills for social anxiety. You can also buy a workbook on social anxiety to learn more about it and to start working on concurring it. Good luck!