Question: I am interested in improving my memory, concentration, working memory and quick thinking. I feel as though I am not as sharp as I used to be because of the years of hard drinking I am just recently leaving behind me. I see on the internet there are a number of programs that are supposed to improve my intelligence. Before I waste my time (and or money) with any of these, I would like some reassurance that ‘brain training’ is something that is actually going to work. Do you know if it is possible to really improve my intelligence? If so, do you have any program or method to recommend? I am 45. I do not get much intellectual stimulation at work.

Jill Edwards Says...:

You will find a useful article on brain training in BBC news, Does Brain Training Really Work. I can understand your concern about brain functioning after years of hard drinking.

The evidence is that nutritional feeding is the first line of defence, so it is good to take appropriate amounts of Vitamin B, especially Vitamin B12 and you could ask your doctor for an injection if you have recently stopped drinking. The next step is sorting out your eating so you are eating well balanced diet with plenty of Vitamin B injections. I would then advise that you focus your attention on any practical problems that might exist as you move away from what has been a difficult life style, so doing practical things effectively, paying attention to everyday requirements, is a good place to start.

Poor memory is quite normal in the early stages of recovery. I do advise however that you focus on practical everyday things, then where you have any particular interests, that you start working with them and developing those things that you like doing, in this way your memory will be linked with worth while activities and interests and you will start to make real progress with things that you want to do. Once this begins to work, then you could start studying a particular subject or perhaps going to college and learning some new skills.

However, I would do all this in stages. It is tough when you first start a sober life and you need to get your supports in place and to make slow steady progress in building a healthy life style.

Brain training looks like a short cut, but as an approach, it does not cover all the ground that a full recovery needs, however, it may well be a stepping stone, to taking a more active approach to getting involved with life as it is.

Question: OK so no one really likes me at work but the reason why is because people think I am an asshole. I saw this old lady drop her groceries today and I thought it was funny and laughed and then all my workmates looked at me like I was really mean. One person said I was an asshole. I do not like it when people do not like me. But usually people do not like me. I do not know how to change the way I am because I am just the way I am. Is there any hope that I can change?

Jill Edwards Says...:

OK so no one really likes me at work but the reason why is because people think I am an asshole. I saw this old lady drop her groceries today and I thought it was funny and laughed and then all my workmates looked at me like I was really mean. One person said I was an asshole. I do not like it when people do not like me. But usually people do not like me. I do not know how to change the way I am because I am just the way I am. Is there any hope that I can change?

As soon as you want to change, you will begin to change. It may not feel comfortable, but you will be on your way.

You are not alone in finding someone elses misfortunes funny. There are lots of TV programmes which show things going wrong for others as entertainment. Seeing something go wrong can also make people anxious and this can also make people laugh.

However, in order to see the funny side of these events, you have to shut out your understanding of what it is like to be that other person. When you do not understand what is happening for someone else, then you do not respond the way others expect you to.

So I invite you now to watch what happens to other people, imagine it happening to yourself and see what help you would like in those circumstances. For a while, just watch, get intelligent about the needs of other people. Watch also how other people help each other and see what happens. Speculate in your mind what you might do in the circumstances you meet. Think about what it would be like if you cared for people you meet. When you experiment with new behaviour, dont do it at work first. When you are used to being more compassionate to others, then start slowly being different at work.

You may like to repeat this Buddhist prayer:

May all sentient beings enjoy happiness and the causer of happiness

May all sentient beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering

May all sentient beings not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering

It helps you towards love, compassion and joy.

Congratulations on moving beyond being an asshole!

If you would like to continue this conversatiuon, then contact me at mrsjilledwards@gmail.com

Yours

Jill Edwards

Question: I am 28 and I have never even kissed a girl. I have no confidence around girls and it is so humiliating to be a virgin at my age. I really feel like a loser. I can’t even talk to strippers who are paid to at least pretend to like me as they try to sell me lap dances. What do I do?

Jill Edwards Says...:

This is one of those problems which is not solved by, if you will pardon the expression, a full frontal attack. I should like you to think about the areas of your life where you are feeling more comfortable. You would be well advised to think about what else is important, interesting or significant for you. Knowing something about the other things in life that you would like to be involved in, will give you a focus for activity and progress and this will help your ideas about yourself.

At the moment, everytime you think about girls you also think about having no confidence and all your activity in that area makes you less confident rather than more confident. You could also do some internet dating, that is you could engage in on-line conversation which could boost your confidence, but in those conversations, you should not make sexual comments of any kind. This would give you the chance to know someone without having sex and your “lack of confidence” get in the way of getting to know women.

You can also join with any activities where there are girls and men, but you should focus on the activity, not the contact with girls, till you have got used to their being around and you have had a chance to assess them as to what kind of people they are.

If you have been involved with pornography, then you should allow that activity to tail off. It will also just remind you that you do not have a partner. The essence of how to work with this problem is to focus on friendship and common interests and take your focus off of yourself. From that can build a commonality of being together which will be a more secure basis for beginning a physical coming together. And all this should progress very slowly, so that both of your feel safe.

I would be happy to work further with you by e-mail, if you would like to. Have a look at my website at www.invitationtotalk.co.uk. Working by e-mail only, I would charge £25 per e-mail reply and you would send me the money via paypal using my email address mrsjilledwards@gmail.com.

Question: I am 46 and just recently remarried to a wonderful woman who takes care of her elderly mother with dementia at home. Because of this we have joined households at her house. We have no children. I knew what I was getting into or at least I thought I did but now that I have lived here for about 7 months I feel like I can't take it anymore. I feel like we either have to separate or her mother has to go to a nursing home. Her mother is verbally abusive and very demanding. I feel terrible to put my wife in this position and so I have been putting it off but I am at my breaking point. I believe that I make her happy and her mother does not. Is it wrong for me to try to get her mother out of the house even though I think that will make her happier?

Jill Edwards Says...:

I can see that you really appreciate the loving qualities of the woman you have married, her sense of responsibility and care for someone who can no longer control how she behaves. I can also see that actually living with someone who mistreats your wife the way her mother does is is very painful for you, probably more so than for your wife who is probably used to it. Also she has to give more attention to her mother probably than she does to you. All this makes a relationship very difficult.

The hard thing to say is that this is your problem, you cannot solve it by moving other people around. There may come a time when your wife cannot cope with the physical demands of care and then it would be appropriate for her to move into a home. But I suspect that she would not be happy with herself if she put your needs ahead of her duty to her mother as she sees it.

You would be advised to talk this through, but my advice would be to get yourself a place of your own, so that you have a bolt-hole when things get too much for you. You could find your relationship improving if you see your partner less often and she can perhaps arrange some support so you can have proper time to enjoy each others company. Trying to displace her mother will I fear be an uphill task, that may well end in your splitting up.

Question: I really love my wife but I don’t always love living with her. There are a thousand little things that she does that irritate me to no end. I like to eat my breakfast in peace in the morning but the sound of her chewing her bagel and cream cheese is horrendous. Petty stuff right? I know I am being stupid but I find that all the little annoyances lead me to treat her less affectionately and that this has ripple effects that run deep. I get it now how they talk about how one partner leaving the toothpaste lid off the tube can end a marriage. The problem is stupid but I can’t deny its impact. The problem is wholly mine as well, so I want to change for the better. The problem is I don’t know how to. What can I do to be less bothered by these trivial things that right now bother me so much? I am willing to work with a professional if necessary.

Jill Edwards Says...:

I have been working in my mind to understand what is possibly going on for you and these are some of the scenarios:

You could like things to be precisely correct for yourself and because she like most human beings is not perfect you could find her behaviour irritating. The question here is are you as demanding with other people as you are with her. Are you as demanding for yourself as you are with her. If this an OCD type problem, you will probably find professional help useful.

Your wife may remind you of someone who has made you unhappy in a particular way, so what she does is triggering memories which you do not like. You two may come from different cultures/class groups and may have different ideas about how you should behave in different circumstances. Perhaps if you could look at the behaviour as not hers but belonging to a different group, that may help.

You may be angry about some other issue which has not been resolved and it is coming up in this way. She may be angry with you and not able to speak about it, but be generating anger in other kinds of behaviour.

Clearly, there are no clear communications between you on this and probably on other issues. It may be worthwhile finding out how she is feeling about things, how she feels the relationship is going for her. I would suggest that you keep a diary of the annoyances and then you can get an overall picture. Writing them down may reduce the level of your involvement in annoyance and give you some insight.

You could balance things out be having quality time with her where these annoyances would not surface. If you are unable to resolve the issue, I would suggest that you find some face to face counseling to work your way towards a solution for your both.