Question: I am very worried about my 34 year old daughter. She is extremely depressed, but every time I offer help or suggest counseling, she ignores the subject. She lives two hours from me, is separated with two pre-teen children. She tells me she is very unhappy with her life, hates where she lives and cries every night. She says she is miserable and is tired of crying and being unhappy. I have suggested couseling, many times, and suggested medication. I've even told her to pack everything up and come live nearer to me so I could help. Yet, she does nothing, week after week. She'll have a breakdown and tell me these things, and then carry on going to work, etc. until the next time. I don't know how to help her. She has even told me about just leaving the area, alone, going somewhere and starting over. I know that is not the answer, it's just running away and I fear that in the future she will regret leaving her children. I think she is just overwhelmed. Is there anything I could do or should be saying to help her?

David Johnson Says...:

I can feel your worry. But it really sounds like you have already done most everything you can. You may want to try asking about how her mood is affecting her children. They are old enough to understand a lot about what is going on. It's very likely mom's depression is affecting how they feel, how they behave at home and I school. If your daughter won't do anything for herself, she may act to protect her daughters. Encourage her to talk to her daughters. Remind her that her daughters are likely blaming themselves for her mood, even their dad leaving. Have her encourage her daughters to share their feelings so that she can reassure them. She should never talk badly about their father to avoid putting them in the middle.  Remind her that her daughters will also try to take care of her depression, something they must not do. That would compromise their ability to grow up themselves.
If she won't do even that, then ask to spend some time with her daughters. Talk to them about their mom, reassure them it is not about them, but about their mom and dad. Ask them to share their feelings. Then tell your daughter what they say.
Yes, that is a bit heavy handed, but someone has to act on behalf of the children even if their mom won't. I hope this all works out for your family.

Question: Hello, I have a daughter and I just found out from my wife (we are divorced and my daughter still lives with her mother) that she has been acting bad. She is chasing after boys especially ones with a bad reputation and she has been dressing promiscuously. She is talking back to her mother or anyone with authority. Which I do not understand because she is 27. She is smoking and drinking, still going clubbing. Why is she so bad? My wife told me that she is sneaking boys to the house when her mother is gone out of town or throwing parties when her mom works late. What is worse is when I told my son of her unruly behavior he laughed and encouraged it. My wife took her phone and found all these songs about sex and drugs- which my daughter pays for and took her make up and so my daughter stole money from my wife to get all new make up. My wife is upset and wants me to do something about it. Why is so she bad?? And what can I do?

David Johnson Says...:

Mr Nelson:
It is apparent from your series of questions that you have a lot of difficulty with your adult children. Clearly you see many problems in your children, but it suggests you and your ex-wife may have major difficulties with setting limits with them. I also get the impression that there could be some deeper mental health issues that could be emerging from the family history. These problems need to be brought to a team of professionals who work together including a psychiatrist, a psychologist and perhaps other counselors. Look for a mental health clinic with comprehensive services. That is of course only possible with the cooperation of your son and your daughter. If they refuse to cooperate, you and your ex-wife need to see someone to plan your action together. Without a cohesive coordinated response, you and your ex-wife will be left to run from fire to fire with a bucket of water, never really addressing the bigger issue. It makes little sense to keep asking questions here for this complicated issue. Please seek the help you need in a professional office.

Question: Hello, My son was seen by a therapist and she diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disability. Would this be the reason he cannot stand being around lots of people? He gets tired and overwhelmed by groups of people or being in a restaurant. I am curious if this is part of Borderline Personality-yet he doesn't want to be alone. With him two's a company three's a crowd. And when he feels happy or low, man do his reactions get intense. I'm still worried about the social part of it. He just won't do groups- even if it's family, he'll come but he dreads it and complains it's almost as if he's not there. He's just someone looking in. Thanks. Steve

David Johnson Says...:

This is a question that is best asked of your son's therapist. What you describe sounds like some form of social anxiety which is not necessarily related to borderline personality disorder, but can be depending on circumstances.

Knowing your son's diagnosis has limited value to you. You can look up resources to help understand your son, but a diagnosis will not predict his behavior. Diagnosis can also be a barrier to understanding him and place artificial limits on the relationship with your son. Your son's behavior is the not the result of his diagnosis. Don't assume his life and goals are limited in any way by his diagnosis. The risk is that you, your son, and other people who know can contribute to what might be called a self-fulfilling prophesy. In other words, if you or your son think of his behavior as consistent and unchangeable, you and he are likely to contribute to his staying the same by expecting certain behavior and not other. Try as we might, we still communicate our expectations to each other. A misunderstood diagnosis can also place false limits on your son's self-concept, limiting what he expects of himself. If you and he believe change can occur, it is more likely that it will. Then it is more likely those psychological barriers won't prevent change, but in fact enhance the possibility of change.

Diagnosis is a model of mental health behavior, it does not describe a real entity. A diagnosis is most useful for your son's therapist who can communicate to other professionals with one word a cluster of symptoms that maybe related. Diagnosis is not an exact science. Your son's diagnosis could change based on more knowledge of your son's behavior.

Diagnosis in no way should be seen as a barrier to meeting goals, or make changes in behavior over time.

Question: If I find people of other ethnic groups very physically unattractive does this mean I am a racist if I don’t let this distaste affect my behaviors?

David Johnson Says...:

Finding people of other ethnic groups physically unattractive
does not make you a racist. Racism is defined as:

1. a belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.
2. a policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.
3. hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

If you don’t allow this distaste affect your behaviors as it relates to discrimination, hatred or intolerance then there is no racism. The racial differences developed due to geographic separation. Natural selection facilitates multiple generations to select the attractive look through genetics of the next generation of partners in a particular geographic location. So you are not alone in your preference.

Question: For good mental health does it matter what hours you sleep in a day or just how many hours you sleep in a day. What I mean, is it better to say sleep from 10 at night to 6 in the morning than to sleep from 3 in the morning to 11 in the morning?

David Johnson Says...:

A good night sleep is like most anything else, it depends on whether it meets your needs. I wonder why you're asking? Are you getting complaints from your family, arriving late at work, over tired when you need to be awake? Can your schedule accommodate a "night owl" schedule? If you or someone else sees a problem, listen up.
I know of a number of young people who stay up late playing computer games. Spending  many hours a day doing anything that is not productive has consequences, if only that it creates a habit of expecting a lot of leisure time. Computer games have a long history of getting in the way of relationships, work, and school.
If there are no consequences to your late night to late morning sleeping habits, then you are probably doing just fine.
If you have more to ask, leave a comment to create a thread for your question. Have a good nights (mornings) sleep!

Question: Hello, You did mention that it could be a possible mental condition or head injury??? He never experienced a head injury or concussion incident, but I am curious as to what mental condition it could be??? He refuses to find out, although he is improving a bit by trying to find a job. Thanks, Stephen.

David Johnson Says...:

I really can't help you beyond what I've already provided you. I would suggest you see a counselor yourself. He or she will not be able to diagnose your son either. That requires an extensive face to face interview. You clearly are interested in getting some ideas about what to do. You will need to talk to a counselor in person to get there. I encourage you to find out as much as you can so that you have some hope of helping him, or at least minimizing the impact he has on your life. I wish you the best.

Question: My name is Stephen Nelson and I have a son who is moody and has a horrible, horrible temper. He denies this. I am just wondering what this could indicate He's had a pretty good life. I just dont understand why he's so moody with a temper. He's 33. I've tried everything with him so has his mother. We're at a loss....he just got out of prison for a weapon and violating his parole btw. I suspect something mental. Thanks for writing back.

David Johnson Says...:

There could be several reasons why your son has a temper that puts him in jail. Certainly the problem can be mental illness, but it can also be a bad
temper (believing he can't control himself. He can, but won't if he believes he can't.), a head injury, or a chronic disregard for other people's rights
and feelings.

But I really don't think you are looking for an answer why, but what you can do now. Tough love is a universally recommended approach to misbehaving young adults. Do not accept his behavior. Ask him to leave if he behaves like that in your house. Warn him that his temper will put him back in jail again if he does nothing. Accept him back into your household when he behaves himself. If he makes threats to you, call the police and charge him with threats or assault. If he assaults you and/or threatens you repeatedly, get a restraining order to help keep you and your family safe.

You cannot solve his problem, only he can. He may need to be forced to take responsibility for his behavior. He may be helped by anger management training, therapy, and/or medication.

Question: My name is Stephen Nelson and I have a son who is moody and has a horrible, horrible temper. He denies this. I am just wondering what this could indicate.. Thanks, Steve.

David Johnson Says...:

Thanks for your question, but I need a lot more information to answer you. Anger and or moodiness could mean many different things in difference ages and contexts. How old is your son? Give examples of his moody behavior and his angry outbursts. Tell me about what you have done to attempt to teach him another way to express his anger. Tell me your story about your son, his moodiness and his anger. What else is going on in the way of stress or unusual events in his life?

Did you try to ask another question? I found this one that looks a lot like your question: "Hello,
My son has a temper. What could that indicate? He is also moody. Thanks..."

Question: I am a chef. My work was my whole life. It was my passion and my creative outlet and my everything. I have done very well professionally because 15 hour days were never a chore, they were a pleasure that I would have done for free. Now I am a chef co-owner of a 6 month old restaurant. It has taken me 15 years of very hard work to get here. This is my dream come true. But all of a sudden, now that I have everything I have always wanted, my passion has just evaporated. I have no creative ideas no energy and I feel like everything I make is just a second rate copy of what better chefs are doing. Needless to say, the timing of this life-crash kind of sucks for me and I don’t know if this is just a temporary stress crash or a permanent loss of inspiration. Do you have any ideas for how I can re-stoke my creativity and passion? I am desperate but lost.

David Johnson Says...:

Congratulations on reaching a major goal! You are right to try to figure this out without taking any rash actions. What is exactly is going on with your motivation would take an in depth exploration of your life. But I can say a few things about your experience. What is curious is that you seem to have little awareness of what's different in your new situation. You have had a change in motivation, a change in your feelings towards yourself, your work and your world. I suspect you are missing internal cues and having trouble talking about your feelings, perhaps even understanding yourself and your moods.
Especially when we reach a highly valued goal, there is a natural let down immediately after we reach it. Reaching that goal required a lot of effort and creative energy. While reaching the goal was exciting, within moments the intensity of the excitement wains. Then we start to recognize all the complications, work, and hassle that comes with achieving that goal.
The change in responsibilities from being the very best chef you could be to owning a restaurant is huge. I suspect there are additional duties that interfere with your enjoyment of cooking. Working for someone else produces a paycheck and a sense of security. Owning a resturant is one of the most volatile businesses. I would imagine that that stress would be quite overwhelming. I have to wonder how else your life has changed.
I think you may want to consider some counseling or perhaps some coaching. Clearly you have a changed situation, and your motivation has been redirected. I suspect some of the other unplanned changes is sapping your energy. Or maybe you just need a new goal to work towards, something that serves your goal to own a restaurant. Perhaps you want to pay off loans as quickly as possible. You maybe want to create some marketing opportunities in the form of special menu items, special promotions or special prices. Good luck with your new endeavor.

Question: Can emotional intelligence skills be learned? If so, how can I learn them? I am an intellectually gifted man with an abysmal social life who would like to make some changes for the better.

David Johnson Says...:

This is a learn-able skill, I teach the skill professionally. I have the beginnings of an online tutorial. Check out: http://www.fullimpactliving.com. Let me know if I can help you further.