Question: I cannot forgive myself for how I treated my parents when I was using. I stole from them I abused them physically and emotionally and verbally and I scared and bullied them so I could get what I wanted (money and drugs). I do not know why but they forgive me but I can’t forgive myself. I don’t want to think about these memories all the time but I am always remembering new scenes from the past that I had forgotten and every time it is like a kick in the stomach and the pain and shame and guilt is more than I can take. I am trying to take care of them financially. I feel like this is the way I can work to repay them for their kindness. But they are also a constant reminder of what I did in the past and I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I am 6 months sober from cocaine but I am hanging on by thread. I need to either forgive or forget. I am supposed to pray for forgiveness but I know I don’t deserve it.

Penny Bell Says...:

Firstly I would like to
offer my heartfelt congratulations on being clean for 6 months!  That’s not an easy feat to accomplish and you
have done well.  Not only that, you have
integrated back into society as a responsible member and you are helping to
support your parents financially.  All of
that says to me you are a truly repentant individual, and obviously your
parents believe that to be true also.  It
seems that the only person not impressed with you is you!  And I’m wondering what it would be like for
you to quit blaming yourself, quit dwelling on the past and accept the new
you?  My hunch is that there’s a lot of
anxiety there about letting yourself off the hook – if you relax, and truly put
the past behind you, you may stop monitoring yourself and fall back into your
old ways.  It’s almost as if you have a
sort of hypervigilance about yourself, and if you don’t keep it up you will
lose control of your life once again.  If
I’m right about this, the solution is for you to work on your fear and mistrust
of yourself. Take that to counselling, and if you’re not seeing a counsellor,
now would be a good time to start.  

When we offend others we
do moral damage to ourselves because we transgress our own values.  It’s important to see ourselves from the
perspective that we do have a capacity for moral change and having taken
responsibility for our actions, to reaffirm our values.  We need to understand the difference between
guilt and shame – guilt says I have done something wrong, and I can repent and
make restitution to those I’ve hurt. 
Shame says I’m a bad person, and repentance can’t change that about
me.  Guilt is about behaviour, shame is
about who I am.  When we transgress our
own values we give ourselves shaming messages, and we begin to see ourselves
through that shame filter.  Realising
that shame is a lie being told about us can help us to release ourselves from
its grip and the anxiety of never again being able to measure up. 

Just the fact that you are
so distressed by your past behaviour toward your parents tells me that you are
not a person with bad character, rather, you are a person who made some bad
choices.  That is more about behaviour
than about character.  And of course, we
know that once drugs come into the picture, behaviour is all about the
addiction.  Once the “addict is taken out
of the man”, he can find his true self again. 
As time goes on and you continue to build your new life and create new
memories, the past will become more and more just that, the past. 

And as I said earlier,
take this to counselling.  Very
important!

Question: Do you know the Christian Recovery Bible? Is it actually more helpful than the regular Bible for a person with alcoholism? This is for a gift for my brother who is in rehab now and I want to get him a graduation gift. Is there a Faith centered book for alcoholism that you would especially recommend other than the recovery Bible?

Penny Bell Says...:

Your brother deserves congratulations for both entering recovery and working hard at it, to the point that he's now graduating.  And it sounds like you have been a support for him, and will continue to be as he navigates a new sober world outside of the safe walls of rehab.  The Recovery Bible can be bought in many versions and has highlighted scriptures and notations that are relevant to those recovering from addiction, so I think it would be an excellent gift for your brother.  There are many other books written specifically for those in recovery, one of which is  "Twenty Four Hours a Day", a daily meditation booklet that also comes in journal form and is written by an addict for addicts. For others try some of the major online bookstores and put "recovery" into the search box.  I wish your brother all the best in his new life!

Question: I am ready to turn my life over to a higher power but I don’t really know how to do this. I have never been a religious person so I am not used to praying or church stuff. I am an alcoholic. What do I do if I have decided to believe in God. How do I make this happen? Or do I just read the Bible and try to live the way it ways to and it will come to me eventually? I can see that my questions don’t really exactly explain things but basically I want to know how to believe in God?

Penny Bell Says...:

This is a difficulty many who
choose the 12-step way to sobriety grapple with at the outset, so you are not
alone.  Some grapple with it because they’ve
had a crummy experience with church and religion, so that God as they
understand him is cast in a negative light, and others, like yourself, have not
grown up with a culture of church and belief in their family and so it is like
a foreign language to them.  The good
news is that you are as keen as mustard to get and stay sober, so much so that
you are willing to put your philosophy and ideals aside in order to do what it
takes to do this.  I applaud you for
that!  So now, how do you make this step
so that it is genuine, authentic, and works for you?

The idea is to “Make a decision to turn
our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”.  So your task is to work out how you
understand God to be – and you can read the Bible, or the Big Book, or books
that the recovery group recommend, to come to your conclusions about what
constitutes this “God”, or you can simply just “make a decision” to turn your
life over to God’s care!  It’s about
realising that hey, as much as I have tried, I haven’t been able to do this on
my own.  So I’ll experiment here – I’ll
try this 12-step program that involves turning my life over to a higher power,
because many people succeed when they do this. 

Part of that higher power of
course is the rest of the recovery group! 
God doesn’t do things on his own either, and has created recovery
programs so he can support people through other people.  But the other people are only an adjunct to
your reliance on a higher power, as they are human and therefore cannot, for
example, answer prayer.  What they can do
though is encourage you in your new decision to explore faith in God.  I think you have a point that going through
the motions of belief – reading the Bible, praying – will most likely bring you
to a new understanding of God for yourself, and help you along the way to
faith.  For goodness sake, don’t start in
Genesis!  Begin your reading in the New
Testament, and see if you can find, either in a bookshop or on the internet,
some good passages for people in recovery. 
These will help you to get through each day. 

If you think about deciding
to hand your life over to God, or a higher power, as the way forward to
sobriety rather than a giant hurdle you have to overcome, you will find that
faith and belief will develop, because you will be making that decision every
time you try to take control of your life by yourself, which will most likely
be every day!

I wish you all the best with your
decision to turn your life around, I’m sure you will find it’s the best
decision you have ever made.

Question: My son is a drug addict and he says he no longer believes in God. He argues with me that I am delusional to have faith. I don’t know how to talk to him anymore. He is always high and aggressive and I don’t ever know if he means what he says or he is just trying to hurt me after I won’t give him money for drugs. I am desperate to help him and it hurts me to see him this way. How can I bring him back to the faith he was raised in? I feel like if he could get back to prayer and faith he could have the strength to stop living this thug life he seems so proud of now.

Penny Bell Says...:

I
can understand how anxious you must feel for your son and his welfare.  You don’t mention his age so I will assume he
is an adult for the purpose of this reply. 
Whilst returning to his faith would be a necessary part of your son’s
recovery, when he is in the throes of addiction he can actually be powerless to
do this without professional help.  One
way to address your son’s addiction is to wait until he is at a point where he
asks for help.  This can take a long
time, during which he could find himself in trouble with his health, his
relationships and the law.  

There is
another option – family or Christian intervention:

Are
there other family members or close friends who feel the same way as you do and
would be willing to take part in an intervention?  For this you would be wise to employ the
services of a professional interventionist, as it is a complex process to carry
out involving several steps, and needs to be done properly in order to avoid
doing more harm than good.  An
alternative is the Christian intervention, involving members of the Christian
community you belong to and that your son was previously in relationship with,
and your pastor.  The objective of an
intervention is to lovingly break through the wall of denial so that the addict
realises the extent of his addiction and it’s consequences and consents to entering
a rehabilitation program, and this obviously takes planning and much
forethought.

There is information on the
Choose Help website about preparing for intervention and writing an intervention
letter, here: http://www.choosehelp.com/topics/intervention.

I wish you all the best with this and my prayer is that your son will consent
to enter treatment.

Question: I am kind of confused . I am an alcoholic and for the first time I am really trying to get sober. I know I need to let go and let god but if I let go I always just end up drinking and if I struggle against it it doesn’t feel like I am letting go and letting God do His work for me. How can I trust in God to lead me and fight against the path He seems to have me walk?

Penny Bell Says...:

Letting
go and letting God is easy to say, and has become a bit of a cliche.  But
what does it mean to you, when you try to do it?  Bringing God or a Higher
Power into the equation to assist us with our struggle for sobriety is exactly
that - we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over
to the care of God as we understand Him.  It's a decision that then
requires follow-through.

From the point of the decision, we move to step
4, which helps us to actually do what we have decided, that is, we make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and
having done that, we take the next step in handing our life over to God, which
is to admit to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of
our wrongs (Step 5). and so on.

The Twelve Steps are twelve steps to
letting go (We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become
unmanageable) and letting God (came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could
restore us to sanity - or reality), and it is a process.  This process does not end at
step 3, but rather begins there, at the point of decision.  What you have
decided is to be willing to take the rest of the steps, and I congratulate you
on that.

Along the way you will find yourself challenged mentally, physically,
emotionally and spiritually, and part of your task is to continually invite God
into your situation to help you, as you have already decided to do in Step 3.

If you are in a 12-step program, you are never alone in your life's
challenges as, as well as God, you have a sponsor and other 12-step participants to help you.
 Looking at the journey another way, you are "letting go" of
yourself, which has gotten in the way of your sobriety up until now, and
"letting God" lead you instead, through the Twelve Steps.

Question: My mom is depressed I think. My dad died a year ago and she is not the person she used to be. She used to be very involved in church groups socially but she is not interested in getting out of the house much these days. I had CBT for anxiety and it did me a lot of good so I am a big proponent of counseling but I am not sure CBT is what she needs because it seems to me she is dealing with spiritual issues that are causing the depression. She doesn’t want to talk about it but I find it really strange that she doesn’t want to go to church anymore since dad died. I don’t know much about Christian counseling but is this the kind of person/situation that you would be able to work with?

Penny Bell Says...:

Depression and grief do not
have the same symptoms or course.  Depression
is marked by negative thoughts and feelings about oneself - low self-esteem and
self-worth. Grief, on the other hand, is marked by distress over the loss of
another or, in severe cases, overwhelming separation anxiety. It sounds
like your mom could be suffering from the more severe form of grief, which is
also called complicated grief.   

In normal grieving sadness
and bereavement is followed by resignation and finally, adjusting to the new situation.  In complicated grief there is searching,
yearning, preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased, crying, disbelief
regarding the death, feeling stunned by the death, and lack of acceptance of
the death.  It is more common when a
partner from a long-term close relationship is lost.

People suffering from
complicated grief experience impairments in global functioning, mood, sleep,
and self-esteem, and even though this sounds similar to depression symptoms it
is distinct from it and requires specialized treatment.

Complicated grief responds
well to a type of CBT which incorporates grief and loss counselling, where the
grieving person can  stabilize, explore,
and confront the most painful aspects of the loss, and then integrate and
transform their grief.

I'm not sure what it is that
makes you believe your mom is struggling with spiritual issues - if it is that
she no longer attends church, this may be due to the social isolation that is
part of complicated grief - but a Christian counsellor may be the one to help
her if she wishes to integrate her faith into her process of recovery.

Question: If you hear God call you and you say no to His love and you feel Him leave and you feel such an unbelievable emptiness and it lasts for months and all you do is cry over your mistake, would God ever give you another chance to accept Him would He ever call you again? Or does He cut you off forever?

Penny Bell Says...:

It
sounds as if you are feeling quite down - almost as if even God has forsaken
you and there is no hope.  If this is so, it's important that you find
someone to talk to - a trusted friend, family member or a counsellor - to help
you to gain a better understanding of what you are experiencing.  As far
as the idea that God offers something to you then turns his back forever if you
don't accept it - there is absolutely nothing in scripture that will back that
up.

God isn't like some of the people in our lives that abandon us when
the going gets tough - in fact the bible says he will never leave you or
forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6 and 31:8).  He's not fickle or a fair
weather friend - his love lasts forever (Isaiah 54:10, Psalm 136).  God is
kind - Titus 3:5,6 tells us it is his kindness that saves us, not anything we
have done to earn salvation.  He is faithful - in fact, even when we are
unfaithful to him, he remains faithful to us (2 Timothy 2:13).

And what
about his mercy?  And his grace?  There's plenty of proof in the
bible that God is there waiting for us when we are away from him.  Nothing
illustrates the father's love, mercy, grace, and faithfulness better than the
story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).  This is really a story about
our father God and his passionate love for us, his children.  Finally, God
is also faithful to forgive us (1 John 1:9).  Even when we've painted
ourselves into the tightest corner, he offers us a way out (1 Corinthians
10:13).

I hope these scriptures encourage you and give you fresh hope.
 And as I said in the beginning, make sure you talk to someone about the
way you're feeling.  

Question: I was really drunk last night and I don't really remember leaving the bar. This is pretty normal. I don't remember driving home but I must have hit something on the way because my car is all dented in the bumper and hood. I have no idea what could have happened and I am so scared that I hit somebody or hurt someone and that the police are going to show up soon. There was red paint scratches on my black car so I don't think it was a pedestrian thank God. I am only 26 and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail. I have been drinking every day for too long and I cannot stop and I have tried on countless occasions. I am doing nothing good in the world and for all I know I killed someone last night. I want to change and I can't be in this world anymore. I have not been a member of any church for too long but I do believe that God has a plan for me. Is there somewhere I can go away and just work and try to make amends, like a monastery or Christian community? I do not have much money but I am willing to work hard and stay straight for an opportunity to start over.

Penny Bell Says...:

You say leaving
the bar drunk is pretty normal for you – is it also normal for you to get into
your car and drive whilst drunk?  If so
it’s hardly surprising that you have finally hit something or someone.  You are now faced with the truth about your drinking
– it can harm others.  And it can get you
into a lot of trouble. 

It’s often when
an addict hits a crisis point or is backed into a corner that he will start to
make some decent decisions about his life. 
I’m glad you have done that.  Now
it is up to you to follow through with those decisions.  You could begin with contacting the police to
explain what you have done.  Yes, you
will be admitting to a crime, and you will be handed the consequences.  That doesn’t sound too attractive but it
would be the beginning of being honest with yourself and with others, being
accountable and taking responsibility for your actions.  Your second task could be to enquire about
rehabilitation centres.  Find out if
there is a Christian one near you, and if they can take you.  If not a Christian one, a secular one will do
the job just as well.  Lastly, go to
church.  You might be amazed at the
support you will find there.

Question: I believe in God but i do not really know how to pray in a meaningful way. I am an alcoholic and I am trying to work through the steps of AA. On one level I believe that God can help me overcome alcoholism and that I cannot do it alone but the problem is I don't feel the hand of God in any visceral way. When I pray I do not feel like I am talking to anyone and although I believe that God can help me overcome alcoholism I have never really felt a personal connection with God so I am not sure how this is supposed to work. Will it just come to me if I keep trying????

Penny Bell Says...:

I’m glad you
have decided to work through the AA steps. 
As you know, you are not required to do anything other than desire to
stop drinking in order to participate in AA meetings, but the premise that we
cannot stop drinking on our own and need a Higher Power to help us is an
important part of the AA recovery program.
In the Eleventh Step ("sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out"), we ask
God to direct our thinking, asking especially that it be divorced from
self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives; we ask God for inspiration
- an intuitive thought or a decision if we are indecisive; we pray to be
shown all through the day what our next step is to be; we ask that we be given
whatever we need to take care of problems; we ask for freedom from
self-will, and guidance in the way of patience, kindness, tolerance and
love; we pray as to what
we can do today for the person who is still sick; we exercise our
devotions or say set prayers which emphasize 12 Step principles; we
pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action; and we
constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to
ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." (The Big Book of
AA).

The purpose of Step 11 is that we actually connect with the
Higher Power that has helped us get to this point in the program.  If this is what you are facing right now, my
suggestion is to go with it, carry out each part of this step just as it is written
in the Big Book and in the order it’s written in, and see what happens.  It really is all about letting go and letting
God, so any anxiety you have about not succeeding will have to go on a
backburner while you take the risk of “faking it until you make it”, so to
speak.  Remember, we are to take one day
at a time, and that is so that our anxiety about our success or failure doesn’t
work against us by sabotaging our good efforts before that day is done.

My hunch though is that you
are already well on your way to success, as you say “I believe that God can
help me overcome alcoholism”, which tells me you have faith in God and believe
he is on your case and has the power to help you.  Even if you have not yet reached step 11,
there is no harm in looking it up in the Big Book and venturing into a deeper
spiritual experience, perhaps with the help of your fellow AA members or your
sponsor.  I say this because I can see it
is the desire of your heart.

I wish you every success and
I believe that it is yours already because you have the determination to push
past your feelings and grab hold of the principles that will make you well.

Question: I am a recovering alcoholic who is reborn in Christ. I have an ex wife and I treated her very badly during our marriage. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive. I was totally out of control and now I am very ashamed at what I did, and since I can only remember a fraction of those years I am sure she went through more than I can remember. I would like to reconcile with her. I do not expect her to ever forgive me or take me back, but I want to somehow express to her how sorry I am and that I am a changed man. I would like to help her get closure on any issues that she might be dealing with from our time together. We have one child together and she is now 6 and I have not seen her since she was a baby. I would like to clear away the wreck of the past so that we can start fresh together again, at least as people who can work together as parents. I have always offered financial support but I would like to now be able to offer more than just that as a father. Is couples counseling the right kind of counseling to go to to achieve what I am looking for. I want it to be Christian in orientation. She currently won’t speak to me but I think my ex wife would be convincible to give it a try since I pay more than what is required in alimony and child support.

Penny Bell Says...:

Firstly, I apologise for taking so long to reply to your
question – I have been out of the country and have just returned.

 I’m glad you have
become aware of your behaviour toward your ex-wife and your part in the
relationship breakdown.  Unfortunately
your desire to reconcile with your wife can only be fulfilled if she is in
agreement.  I don’t know what the legal
situation is as far as visitation rights or access with your  daughter, but perhaps there is an avenue
there for you to pursue.  I’m not sure
that your ex-wife will be amenable to entering counselling with you on the
strength of your alimony payments – again, if she is not in agreement, this
reunion will not take place.  As well, if
she has been subject to violence or bullying in her relationship with you, any
hint of coercion or manipulation on your part would most likely send her
running away rather than toward you.  She
has a right to make her own decision regarding whether or not she wishes to be
interacting with you on any level at all, and that is her civil and legal right
and hers only to make.

In the event that your ex-wife agrees to entering into
counselling with you, most relationship counsellors are able to help with
communication between individuals, families or groups where relationships have
broken down, and this may be the way to go. 
Otherwise, mediation, where you may be able to come to an agreement with
the help of a mediator as to how you can begin a relationship with your
daughter. In the event that neither of those can be accessed, then family court
remains, but given your history I imagine there would have to be a clear case
that you have reformed.

Congratulations on your sobriety, and I wish you all the
best.