Question: I am in grade 8. Theres a guy from another school that I see every day on my way home from school. He takes my school bag and dumps my books out and calls me fag and gay. He is a lot bigger than me. My uncle has brass knuckles and I know where he hides it. If I smash him with the brass knuckles it should hurt alot. Will this get him to leave me alone? Or is it going to make him mad and wrose? I am scared of him but I cannot take it anymore. I do not care if I get in trouble.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

You MUST discuss this with your parents, number one. Your parents MUST go to your school and discuss this with the Headmaster. This BULLYING has got to stop. NO, YOU SHOULD NOT USE YOUR UNCLES'  BRASS KNUCKLES. Listen to what you are saying about him --- this cannot be stopped by you alone. His behaviour is egregious and needs to be stopped by higher authorities. So, again, please listen to me. Tell your parents about what is happening. Also, tell your parents what I have told you to tell them to do. Getting the Headmaster and if need be the School Board involved will be stronger than "a one time use of brass knuckles.

I have another concern and that is that you are trying to resolve this by yourself and that you yourself did not reach out to your parents or to the school. So I am wondering why. Does it have something to do with him calling you fag and gay and you don't want to discuss this with your parents? Of course, we don't have a back and forth dialogue between us here so I don't know your answer. But if it is that and you don't want them to know what he is calling you just start with  that he takes your school bag and dumps your books. This has to be stopped. It won't with the brass knuckles. He is bigger than you. P L E A S E listen to what I am telling you. The school and your parents need to be involved to stop this guy from biullying you. You are only about 13 years old. It needs people bigger and stronger ( I mean that not only literally but symbolically ) too, to stop his bullying. He needs to be reprimanded by higher authorities, not by a 13 year old with brass knuckles. If you're afraid to start with telling your parents, P L E A S E immediately go to the school guidance counselor and show her or tell her what I told you to do.

I wish you well and please let me know how things go.

Best,

 Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: Is it true that people are bullied are sometimes asking for it? I love my brother but I have to admit that he can be pretty annoying and you can tell that he is sort of weak pretty quickly after meeting him. He has been bullied his whole life, at school and now as an adult at work he is still always having problems with people picking on him and he never has anyone to back him up because his habits make it difficult for him to form friendships. It hurts me to watch him have so many problems. Is there some sort of course or therapy he could take or get where he could learn to act in ways that were a little more socially acceptable and so he wouldn’t come across as such a wimp ready for bullying? I want to help him out but I don’t really know how to. I can’t exactly fight his battles for him anymore.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

It's hard to say, not knowing your brother, whether he is asking for it or not. I can though say from what you have described that your brother does have problems that if he got himself into the right kind of therapy it would help him enormously. Now, again, I cannot say why your brother behaves the way he does but I can say that the behaviour he exhibits certainly invites people who are sadistic to bully him. The best thing for him would be to enter psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapy that would certainly get to the root of what formed his personality and that kind of therapy will help him work through his masochism. The result will be that that people would no longer pick on him because with the help of psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapy he will present a very different front ---  he won't allow people to be sadistic towards him.

I don't know his city, state and zip code but if you send it to me I'll help him find someone with the proper training.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: I am a high school Junior who gets bullied every day. I am called dyke and lesbian and fat pig and a lot of other names, especially by this one group of girls who hate me for no reason at all. I just try to ignore everyone and make it through the day but sometimes it is very hard. I am a lesbian but I am not ready to come out to my parents and my family is very religious. I have tried talking to my high school guidance counselor. What a joke that was. He told me I should try dressing prettier and not so much like a guy. Thanks a lot for that…that should fix my problems. He never did anything to the girls who bully me and it is not as like everyone around here does not see what is going on. I am sick of this but since the school won’t help me and I don’t want to get my parents involved (too many difficult conversations that I am not ready for about my sexual orientation) I have no idea about what to do. How can I make this stop without it becoming a big deal and without having more people staring and talking about me all of the time. I just want to get out of this town as soon as possible.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am so...ooo very sorry to hear about the struggles you are dealing with. It is sad that the guidance counselor could be of no help to you. If the school does not take action with those that are bullying you, there will be nothing that you can do to stop them. The school administrators would need to step in and stop this abusive behavior. It is unfortunate that you don't have your parents in your corner to help you negotiate with the school. Are you able to go speak with the principal? You could tell her/him about your interaction with the guidance counselor and how that wasn't of any help to you. Since you can't tell your parents about what is going on, are you able to tell them that you have not been feeling great and would like to be able to see a therapist to help you. You don't need to tell them that you are a lesbian. And you can be sure that if you find an ethical therapist that they would not tell your parents. If they did, it would be an ethical violation. I would be glad to help you find someone if your parents agree to help you with this --- meaning paying for the treatment. If you are interested in finding someone who can support you so that you are not struggling with this all alone, then give me your city, state and zip code. Do let me know if you would like me to help find someone.