Question: There’s this supervisor at work that bullies me. He is always belittling me and he always waits until he has an audience before he criticizes whatever I do. I know I need to stand up to him but he stresses me out so much that as soon as I even see him coming my heart rate starts pounding and I can never ever think of any comeback to the insults he throws ‘jokingly’ my way. I go on overload and I can’t think whenever he is around. I am not this way around anyone else. The fact that I can never defend myself just makes it all the more funny to him. How can I learn to get control of myself so I can behave normally and stand up for myself around this jerk. Is there some deep breathing exercise or something I should be doing?

Jill Palmer Says...:

You are absolutely right about deep breathing. It sounds like your adrenaline starts going crazy because of the fear of being bullied and the fastest way to calm down adrenaline is more oxygen. It's important to breathe from your diaphragm and not from your chest. I would slowly bring in as much air as you can, hold for a second, then slowly blow out the air until there is no more left. I would repeat this a few times.

You can also make yoga or meditation a part of your lifestyle so you have the breathing skills and calming skills ready to use regardless of what stressors are present in your life. 

As for your supervisor, having a come back isn't so important. You can practice standing up for yourself in front of friends or family. You can say something to the affect of not treating you in that manner. You don't have to play the game with him but rather say you would appreciate being treated professionally. You can get advice from those you trust on the wording that feels most comfortable to you. You can roll play with friends or family until the words roll out of your mouth. You then don't have to worry about what words to use when you are in front of your supervisor.

It's too bad we can't just be kind to one another. Hopefully your supervisor will back down as soon as you get comfortable standing up to him. I wish you the best with your supervisor. 

Question: I get bullied a lot and called gay because I am smaller and not into sports and because the people in my school are assholes. Last year my English teacher totally picked on me too for no reason at all, like when we were doing class readings he would make me do the girl parts so everyone would laugh. He made it all into a big joke and when I complained to the principal they totally took his side and we had this meeting where he gave me this phony sincere apology and everyone believed him that he was just trying to be a fun teacher but then after that he would stare me down in class and in the hall and it was scary. He hates me and I don't know why. This year he is my home room and English teacher and I am really scared of what is going to happen. My parents think I am making it all up for 'drama'. I don't know if I can take another year of this. How do I get him to back off without making the situation worse than it already is? I am also considering moving to stay with my cousin and working while doing my GED if it doesn't get any better.

Jill Palmer Says...:

I'm so sorry the kids and some teachers are mean. I don't know why they feel the need to intimate others. You have every right to be at that school and shouldn't be intimated or forced to move away. I do believe life gets easier once you are out of school. Most people will grow out of bullying once they are in college.

I would continue to work on your parents because they can help with your teacher. I would also recommend taking karate or tae-kwon-do after school not only because you will be able to protect yourself but you will also start walking with more confidence, in general. You'll also make new friends and feel stronger in your own body.

You might also want to go to counseling (not because there is something wrong with you) but because they can teach you assertiveness skils, can guide you on what to say, and can teach you to cope with these hard times.

Hang on and get through school. I know it's difficult but you deserve an education just like everyone else. Keep yourself safe and I wish you the best of luck on getting through this.

Question: My 7th grade daughter comes home crying a lot after school because of a group of popular girls who are bullying her. They do not ever hit or punch her or do anything that is too obvious but they are tormenting her psychologically. They invite everyone to parties but make sure she never gets an invite. They call her names and make other people in her class laugh at her. They write notes about her and pass them around the class. Basically they are trying to do whatever they can to make her feel like she is worthless…stepping on her when she is down. My daughter is a little bit shy but she is a very sweet and smart kid and she does not deserve the way she is being treated. I have talked to her teacher. She says that she can see that some of the girls are not very nice to my daughter but she says that since there is nothing physical it is very hard for her to catch anything that is going on and intervene. The teacher is at least sympathetic and I feel like she is on my side in this but the principle is useless. His attitude seems to be that girls of this age are mean to each other and that’s just the way it normally is and he’s not going to get involved unless there is blood in the hallway, basically. What should I do? I do not know what to do at this point other than to get in touch with the parents of the girls who torment her myself. I have not done so yet because my wife thinks it’s something that could go badly and my daughter is begging me not to. So what should I do? I know how hard this can be on a kid and I know how seriously girls of her age need the approval of their peers.

Jill Palmer Says...:

Tough situation. You are the parent and have to trust your parental instincts on what to do. If you feel contacting the other parents is in the best interest of your child, you and your wife can discuss how to proceed in doing that. Your daughter might get mad at you but you are the parent. You have to do what you think is best and not have regrets later for not doing enough.

This isn't an easy situation and there are no right answers. We, as a society, have a problem with bullying but it won't change unless the adults do something about it. Since there aren't any right answers, trust your instinct. Do what you can. Continue to help your daughter increase her self-esteem, learn assertiveness skills and manage the disappointment of not always fitting in. She might get comfort from professional help so she can have a safe outlet in discussing her emotions around all of this. Being ganged up on can't be easy for her so she will need support in learning how to cope. A professional counselor working with your daughter could also work closely with you on how to move forward with parents and teachers. This professional would have more insight into how well your daughter is really dealing with all of this. 

Bottom line: trust yourself and your parental instincts on how to move forward.