Question: Dear Mr. Johnson: I was bullied for over 3+ years after we got a new supervisor. After the supervisor was hired, 5 employees before me quit because they knew what was coming. I tried my best to stop this. I went higher up and attended a Grievance Meeting, which was no help, and at the end of the meeting, I was accused of false incidents. I finally filed with the EEOC/ERD. I had to get an attorney. This woke up upper management. Eventually, upper management stuck together, and I was terminated. The company I worked for had their own attorney who then tried to stop me from getting unemployment (2 hearings). I am considered protected class, which my supervisor knew and the supervisor before her (who was very nice). They even made accommodations without my consent, which would have made my protected class symptoms worse. They never included me in these accommodations and called themselves "The Team". I am glad to be out but the stress of this all has changed me. I stopped the EEOC/ERD case because it was actually making me worse (having to continually go over the past). I lost a great job that I loved and had for almost 24 years. Of course, there is no bullying law, and there was probably nothing to come of the EEOC/ERD case. After I told my attorney and the EEOC/ERD investigator I quit, the investigator still wants me to answer 12 questions to close this up (the ERD end of the case). I will be glad for this to be over after I finish the questions. I still try to fight for the Healthy Workplace Bill becoming a law. I am getting help from Job Service through Vocational Rehab. It is hard for me to think about working again - I am 55 and just want to stop. I have worked since I was 16. Unfortunately, I was told I do not qualify for disability. I did win the unemployment hearing. This whole thing has sucked everything from me. We have no insurance, less money, were able to get heat assistance, and I had to cash in my 401K. I am trying so hard to downsize. Do not buy clothes unless from a thrift shop, use coupons. I have to pay cash to see my Psychiatrist and pay cash for medications. It will take a while for me to get myself back to my old self. I snap at my husband. I feel crabby often. I sleep poorly. I am seeing a counselor (you pay what you can afford). At this age in my life, I cannot believe what this bullying did to me. One thing I wondered, isn't bullying like harassment? If you say "bully" it doesn't go too far. I did feel some peace when I quit the EEOC/ERD case, but still do not feel complete. Feel like I am in a box and cannot get out yet. I was always well liked and funny at work - now co-workers ignore me. It is so upsetting. My counselor said I am like a sponge and take on too many feelings of others too. I have too much empathy (which I believe is good). I love to see others happy, just too bad there are those out there who love to see people unhappy and enjoy watching them suffer. My counselor now is a Nun and she is doing a pretty good job. Do you have any other suggestions? I am worried about my marriage because I take it out on my husband. Sometimes I do not like him for not understanding me more. He is strong-minded and like a duck, where the problems roll off of him. Thanks for reading this.

David Johnson Says...:

I feel your pain. Bullying can cause a traumatic reaction. That is what you seem to be describing. Trauma can have long term effects, changing your sensitivity to stimulation, the level of background anxiety you feel, and your tolerance of that anxiety. Too much stimulation makes you irritable.

You need to learn how to manage the stimulation around you as well as your reaction to it. You can lower your sensitivity and tolerance over time by lowering the background anxiety you feel. Now that you are not working, it seems likely that your thoughts and feelings about your past experiences and the stresses in part created by your unemployment are haunting you daily.

One thing that you can do is to learn better control over your thoughts and feelings. The skill that has proven to be highly effective is called mindfulness. In simple terms, mindfulness is the skill of allowing your thoughts and feelings to flow without grabbing hold, judging them, thinking through them, or picking them apart. You are more aware of your thoughts and feelings than ever, but you sit back as an observer try not to intervene. Rather than feeling like your thoughts and feelings are out of control, you instead feel a profound sense of peace, an awareness of everything is temporary, especially your thoughts and feelings. This is what I think people call peace of mind. Imagine feeling at peace with the world, comfortable with your ability to cope with whatever happens and be able to let it go without judgment until it fades away.

This is a skill that requires a lot of practice. It's hard to imagine what it's like without experiencing it's essence after lots of practice. Learning mindfulness requires daily practice over many months before you will see significant progress. The best way to learn is to take a class and/or to practice daily using training CDs like those found here. I particularly recommend this one because it is a complete course of mindfulness training. Here is another one that might appeal to someone who would rather listen instead of practice.

Another method I'd suggest is described in an article I tripped over today. You will need the help of your counselor, so show her this article. Trauma has its greatest effect when it activates your emotions intensely and triggers the creation of emotional memories. These memories are different from thought based memories. These are the memories that drive our nightmares and our automatic emotions that are routinely evoked by our experiences. Some of your worst emotional experiences have been written into your emotional memory such that whenever you are reminded about what happened to you, your emotions are triggered again. That sends your thoughts whirling again as if the trauma of that moment is happening again. You need help managing the reaction you have to these memories. Then by experiencing the presense and support of the counselor. Your memory can be permanently changed, at least by adding the recollection of the support you received. At some level, we all know that telling our story to a supportive listener is healing. It is often very effective, sometimes over only one experience, sometimes over many.

I suspect you've already told your story to your counselor and it didn't work as well as it might. That is probably because of your difficulty managing your reactions, thoughts and feelings. You may need to increase your mindfulness skill before the counseling will be as helpful as it could be.

I encourage you to talk to a lawyer who specializes in getting people qualified for Social Security. You may find you have more of a chance than you think to get disability.

I wish you the very best.

Question: My daughter has a problem with other kids picking on her. She is very sensitive and cries easily. She just always seems to be the kid in the class that gets bullied and picked on. We have moved three times in the past 6 years so it’s always new kids and a new class but the same old problems. She is in a small and pretty well controlled private middle school right now but next year she’ll be joining the local high school, which has almost 3000 students and has a rough element to it. I am very worried about how she will handle this transition. I wish the world were a nicer place but for now I want to change what I can change, and that is maybe my daughter’s behavior. She is a late bloomer and she is not interested in clothes or boys and this makes it hard for her to relate with the other girls, who all seem to be boy crazy and obsessed with their looks. How can I ‘toughen her up’ so she won’t have such problems getting picked on without harming her self esteem or messing with her sweet natured personality?

David Johnson Says...:

Your daughter is very lucky to have an attentive and caring parent. You have been available and attentive, but it's clear it is time to signal a change in approach.
Encourage her to talk about her experiences with bullying, get the history and the details including and most importantly how she feels about it. Listen and tell her you understand and can feel her pain. Don't offer suggestions this time. Likely you've been doing this all along and it has not provided a solution. This is not because your suggestions haven't been helpful. Listening carries a different and important message. It validates her feelings and the importance of the issue. It also signals your change in approach.
Bullying is everywhere, and has been around as long as there were
schools. At some point however, schools and teachers stopped intervening
in bullying. It would appear that now schools are changing their approach and getting back involved. Go in with your daughter and meet with an administrator. Talk frankly about whats been happening and consider what the administrator suggests. Coach your daughter to implement some of the ideas that came out of the meeting.
Then get your daughter into counseling. Its likely her self-esteem is already an issue and she needs help to cope. Periodically, asked to be included in the session to get an update on the progress.

Question: My neighbors children are bullies. They tease my two children and have even threatened to beat them up. I have tried talking to their parents but they are not willing to see the problem for what it is and things have escalated to the point where we do not have a friendly relationship any longer. I have no real leverage to get them to change their ways and they are not interested to make their children stop the verbal abuse. I have told them if their kids ever touch my kids I will call the police but what can I do about them yelling names through the fence? It is very distressing for my children to not feel safe and comfortable in their own back yard. I feel like a failure that I cannot protect them from this in their own home but I am not sure what to do? Any ideas you have would be very welcome!

David Johnson Says...:

I don't think there is a simple solution here. I commend you for trying to work with the parents, but since that has not helped, you have to try other authorities. You don't say what sort of living situation you have. If you live in a community of apartments or condos/townhouses, you can try to approach the landlord or association. They may have policies for conflict resolution. If your neighbor is renting, again approach the landlord. If you live in a house next to another house and both of you are home owners, then try calling the police to see what advice or solutions they offer you. Perhaps these children or their parents could be charged with terroristic threats or harassment. If all else fails, you can contact a lawyer and consider legal action. Or you can move. Its sad that some people have so little interest in working with their neighbors to solve problems, but it happens too often. I wish you and your children luck.

Question: I work as a waiter and I have a problem with one of the cooks who works the pass. He is constantly bullying me and harassing me verbally. He will also make sure to send out my food behind other tables so that I have problems with the diners and make less tips/look bad to management. I have talked to the chef about the problems I am experiencing but he did not take them seriously. In this place, the chef’s word is pretty much the end of the story so taking it to the GM makes little sense and might backfire on me. My coworkers agree with me that he is abusive but no one wants to stand up to this guy either. I make good money at this job and don’t want to leave, but he is making my life very difficult. I am Asian and he seems to hate me because of this for some reason. I have a friend who told me he would scare the guy off for me. This seems very childish to me but I am not sure what else to do. Is a workplace bully likely to back off if he gets warned off by a bunch of scary and tough guys or am I just going to make things worse?

David Johnson Says...:

This very frustrating situation is all too common in work places. It's fortunate that you have some support and validation at work, but your coworkers' worry about the risks involved are all too real. Your friend's offer to bully the bully is likely illegal and could get you in a lot of trouble in both criminal and civil laws. 

You have some decisions to make. Its important to know if your treatment at this work place is bad enough to make you leave. The wear and tear on your self-esteem and sense of safety on the job and it's impact on your mental and physical health will be an increasing concern the longer it goes on.

Whether you decide to act or not, it's important that you start documenting and looking for another job. Make notes of each incident of harassment including time and dates as well as quotes and circumstances of the harassment. Collect as much evidence as you can to support your case over a significant amount of time, perhaps at least a month. Consider consulting a lawyer at this point to help you plan you next steps. You will need to be prepared at this point to work elsewhere if necessary. Then when you feel you have enough evidence, write a letter to your harasser and copy the boss. Document each and every incident. Be polite but firm, clearly stating what you expect to change. Then if it happens again, write the boss and copy your harasser, requesting an end to the harassment. 

If your boss doesn't support you, your only other recourse is to get a lawyer and prepare legal action.

I wish you the best. Everyone deserves to work at a place that appreciates them and their work.

Question: My next door neighbor is a bully. He moved in with his wife and kids about a year ago and since he has been there I have never really felt at peace in my own home. He calls me insulting names, he has trained his dogs to bark and lunge at me and my wife. He leers at my wife and will sit in his yard and stare at her when she is working in the garden. He ties his dogs up some nights right at the fence that is under our bedroom window just so they will bark all night and annoy us. He has made not so veiled threats against what he would do to people who give him problems. He will take his guns out and clean them while staring at us across the fence. If we leave our curtains open he will use binoculars and watch us inside our house. I could go on and on. I am not a big or a violent man. I am in my 50s and he is quite a large and aggressive man in his early 30s. I have no doubt who would prevail in any sort of fight – and I think he would really enjoy beating me if he could. I really think he is a sociopath. I would like to have him arrested because I think the sum total of what he is doing is definitely some sort of illegal harassment but he is smart enough I guess to never do any one thing that is overtly illegal or something I can prove he did (Our cat went missing and I know he did something to them but I can’t prove it). I am at the end of my rope. I do not want to have to sell because the market is very bad and we would lose a ton of money. But other than selling out I am not sure what to do? Is there anything I can do to get this guy to leave us alone?

David Johnson Says...:

I'm not sure this is the right place to get on this manner. I think you should talk to a lawyer and get some advice on your legal rights. Report any harassment or mistreatment or mismanagement of his dogs to the police. Keep a running log of the behavior so as to build a case for harassment including dates, times and photographs. You may also consider security cameras and a privacy fence. You will need a pile of evidence to prove harassment.

The other part of this issue is something you can learn to control. Right now, by paying attention to his behavior, you are playing into his hands. He is harassing you to get under your skin and he's succeeded. I suspect your behavior towards him has convinced him it's working so he does it all the more.  I'd suggest that you make some effort towards ensuring your security, perhaps like I suggest above and then do the best you can to ignore him. He can't harass you if you aren't paying attention. I know this is easier said than done, but it will be worth the effort. You have control over your reactions. Practice managing your thoughts and feelings about his behavior until you start feeling better about it all. 

Another strategy to consider is behaving towards him in a friendly manner. Say hi, comment on his garden, his guns, and anything else you can think of in a friendly engaging manner and a smile on your face. Laugh at his insults, don't respond in kind. Make light of it and demonstrate how entertaining his antics are. He will soon tire of efforts to harass since it's obviously isn't working and look for other victims. 

Question: I have a Psychology seminar teacher that is really picking on me. I think she is bullying me and no one else in the class is brave enough to stand up against her on my behalf, so they all sort of laugh or just stay silent when she teases and picks on me. I don’t know what I ever did to her, but I swear if I give the exact same answer as any other student in the class, mine will get ripped apart while anyone else’s will get reasonable consideration. She has criticized my outfits, such as when I came to class in a sweat suit and she pondered out loud to the class whether or not we might want to agree on some minimum standards of dress, and so when I tried to dress really respectfully the next class she kept calling me Barbra Bush and making jokes about my membership in the young republicans club. She jokes as if we are all having fun together as a class, but I am not and she doesn’t direct her jokes at anyone but me. It is hard to put into words exactly what she does, and I think she is smart enough to know what lines she can and cannot cross – so there is very little that I think I can do to make a formal protest against her. I have spoken with other students in my class and they agree that she is very unfair to me. I have tried speaking to her about the way she treats me but she just blew me off as if what I was saying was totally ridiculous, and I think that speaking to her actually made things worse. What can I do to get her to back off? I have her for the rest of the year and I need this course? Thankfully the exam was multiple choice, or I am sure she would have taken me down on marks as well.

David Johnson Says...:

A single teasing remark might be overlooked. A continuing pattern is harmful. Your teacher should be held to a higher standard because she is a school official and an authority figure. I think your friends have confirmed that your teacher has stepped beyond reasonable boundaries.  Make a transcript of her comments to you from upcoming classes and any you remember well from previous classes. Collect as many as you can until you believe you can make a case. Then put the transcripts in a letter asking her to cease her harassment. Get some help from your friends to make sure you letter is respectful and clear. Keep a dated photocopy and promise to pass on copy to her supervisor along with details of her new behavior should this not stop immediately or if she seeks retribution. 

Question: I am a small practice legal secretary for a firm of three lawyers. The job pays reasonably well and I am not in a position where I can quit my job, as equivalent employment in my area would be very difficult to find. I have been working here now for about 3 months. 2 of the lawyers are fine, but the senior partner is an abusive bully, to me and even to the other lawyers in the firm. He will give me an assignment to complete and then he will invariably end up screaming at me for my having failed to include some information that he didn’t ask for and that I couldn’t have know he wanted. He really makes me feel stupid sometimes and I have to remind myself that I didn’t do anything wrong and that I can’t read his mind if he won’t tell me what he wants. He generally likes to wait until there is at least someone else within earshot before yelling too, so he’s got an audience and so other people think I am incompetent, which I am not. He also loves to wait until almost the end of the day, often as he is leaving before giving me some task he knows will take hours to complete so that I have to stay late. I could go on, but basically the guy is a complete jerk and if I had any legitimate alternatives I wouldn’t stay another day. I am often in tears by the time I get home at night and I am often still seething over the day at work as I lie in bed at night. As it is though, I think I need to try to make this work for a while, but what can I do to make him back off a bit? Is it a good idea for me to confront him on his bullying or will this just make things worse? Is what he is doing against the law? At this point I would love it if he got what’s coming to him for the way he treats everyone.

David Johnson Says...:

I can't give you legal advice about whether your bosses behavior is illegal. However, you should be able to talk to an attorney in your jurisdiction and get an answer.

I urge you to begin looking for another job. Someone as abusive as he is is very likely willing to fire you for little or no reason. You need to open other options as soon as possible.

Few people I've met can just learn to tolerate this sort of abuse. Your reactions to him suggest that he is already taking a toll on your self-esteem and distorting your perceptions. It is unlikely that anyone over hearing his abuse is going to think ill of you. He is truly looking like a jerk, and most everyone will see that.

You can certainly attempt to be assertive, but I would need to be very careful. Be much more gentle than he is. In my experience, people like your boss won't tolerate much in the way of feedback. Bullying likely makes him feel more powerful than he feels otherwise. Don't challenge his power without a legal recourse or a willingness to walk away from your job.

Question: My sister’s son verbally bullies my oldest son (7) whenever we get together for family gatherings. He will even tease and taunt him very cruelly at the dinner table in front of all the adults so I know it must be much worse when they go off to play without the adults watching. My sister does nothing when she witnesses the bullying and it puts me in an awkward spot. For a lot of reasons, her parenting skills are a very sensitive subject within the family and I cannot bring her son’s treatment of my son up with her without it becoming a shouting match. For the same reasons, my parents and siblings aren’t eager to confront her about the behavior either. If I discipline her son for what he does, things are even worse. I am at sort of a loss about what to do. They boys see each other a lot at family gatherings and I hate to put him in the position where I know he is going to get bullied, and he gets very upset about it as well. On the other hand, the bullying is never physical and I don’t think he is any danger and I don’t want to deny him and my other kids relationships with the rest of the family. We’ve always been a close family and done things like weekly summer Sunday BBQs at my parents and other things in the winter. How damaging is it for my son to be in a spot where he is getting bullied in the family and he knows that his parents can’t or won’t put a stop to it? Is it going to have lasting damage? He still wants to go to his grandparents even though he knows that Owen will be there, so maybe I am overreacting…? I feel like I have to choose between either giving him the gift of a loving extended family or keeping him safe from bullying.

David Johnson Says...:

This is a very complex situation so I'm not sure I can do it justice in a question and answer format. You don't describe what the "bullying" is, rather you use words like cruel. So from the information you provide, I can't give you a good answer about your reaction. The fact that your son wants to visit, but gets upset about it also makes a judgment about the nature of the consequences difficult.

One thing seems apparent is that your sister is effectively bullying you. You and your parents are reluctant to bring up her son's behavior without creating a shouting match. It takes two sides to shout. If you express yourself in an appropriately assertive manner, and you sister responds with angry intimidation, that sounds like bullying. The same applies with your parents. Your issue is with your sister. There is no shouting match if you don't shout. The only way you can have an effect is to produce some consequences for your sister. That may mean getting up from the table and leaving if her son bullies.

Your actions however need to be proportionate and as I said, the seriousness of the situation is hard to assess. Older children will often assert themselves as the "alpha", or leader, in a group of children. Often a child at home will assert themselves as "alpha" in their own home. If that is all that is going on, then some simple limitations might be sufficient. Some children and their parents really don't know the limits of teasing. Suggesting a strategy to your sister may be helpful. But if the problem is inter-generational bullying, then your issue is with your sister and you need to stand up to her and resolve this. If you don't shout, maintain a calm voice regardless of her behavior, then you will retain the high road and a chance at a reasonable resolution.

Question: I believe my 15 year old daughter is a bully to other kids in her school. Last year her homeroom teacher asked me to talk to her about the way she made some of the other less popular kids the constant butt of her jokes and gossiping and stuff. The teacher told me that there hadn’t been a single major incident and that while my daughter was popular and doing well in school, that she worried she might get into trouble as she progressed through high school if she didn’t change her ways. Her father left the family when she was 9. He seemed to encourage her aggression as a skill she’d need in life to get ahead and so he’d only laugh off or even approve of the aggressive behaviors (like hitting a playmate) that she would act out as a child. Now this seems to be the way she is and I can’t seem to make her change, no matter what I try to do. Talking to her seemed to have no real effect. She says that she’s not doing anything wrong and that those ‘losers’ at school who complain about what she does should worry more about losing a few pounds or getting a friend than complaining to the teacher about her (that’s how she talks about her classmates). I am trying to hammer home the golden rule, but when I see her on facebook at night I really worry that she isn’t behaving as she ought to. I love my daughter, but sometimes I cringe at the way she treats me and even her friends. I forced her (by withholding her allowance) to volunteer with me at the soup kitchen associated with our as a way to teach her some compassion for others, but the way she turned her nose up at the homeless people was so embarrassing to me and degrading to them, that I never made her go back. So, what can I do? The school isn’t doing anything and she doesn’t listen to what I have to say. How can I teach her to treat others a little better and to stop her bullying?

David Johnson Says...:

The hardest job in this world is being a parent. The pain of witnessing their struggles and the feelings of helplessness are one of life's biggest challenges. So many parents ignore the signs of trouble in their children out of fear and embarrassment and the problems is left for the child to discover the hard way, by trial and error. I honor your willingness to address the problem head on.

The situation is complex and you have a good basic grasp of the issues involved. You are doing some good work addressing it. You need the help of a licensed mental health professional. Bring your daughter a recommended professional. Be sure you have an active part in the therapy. 

Your most powerful tool is your example. She is largely independent of you now and is forming her own identity and values. Intolerance and prejudice thrives in distance and ignorance. Your daughter needs much more experience and exposure with those she calls "losers", not less.