Question: Dear Mr. Johnson: I was bullied for over 3+ years after we got a new supervisor. After the supervisor was hired, 5 employees before me quit because they knew what was coming. I tried my best to stop this. I went higher up and attended a Grievance Meeting, which was no help, and at the end of the meeting, I was accused of false incidents. I finally filed with the EEOC/ERD. I had to get an attorney. This woke up upper management. Eventually, upper management stuck together, and I was terminated. The company I worked for had their own attorney who then tried to stop me from getting unemployment (2 hearings). I am considered protected class, which my supervisor knew and the supervisor before her (who was very nice). They even made accommodations without my consent, which would have made my protected class symptoms worse. They never included me in these accommodations and called themselves "The Team". I am glad to be out but the stress of this all has changed me. I stopped the EEOC/ERD case because it was actually making me worse (having to continually go over the past). I lost a great job that I loved and had for almost 24 years. Of course, there is no bullying law, and there was probably nothing to come of the EEOC/ERD case. After I told my attorney and the EEOC/ERD investigator I quit, the investigator still wants me to answer 12 questions to close this up (the ERD end of the case). I will be glad for this to be over after I finish the questions. I still try to fight for the Healthy Workplace Bill becoming a law. I am getting help from Job Service through Vocational Rehab. It is hard for me to think about working again - I am 55 and just want to stop. I have worked since I was 16. Unfortunately, I was told I do not qualify for disability. I did win the unemployment hearing. This whole thing has sucked everything from me. We have no insurance, less money, were able to get heat assistance, and I had to cash in my 401K. I am trying so hard to downsize. Do not buy clothes unless from a thrift shop, use coupons. I have to pay cash to see my Psychiatrist and pay cash for medications. It will take a while for me to get myself back to my old self. I snap at my husband. I feel crabby often. I sleep poorly. I am seeing a counselor (you pay what you can afford). At this age in my life, I cannot believe what this bullying did to me. One thing I wondered, isn't bullying like harassment? If you say "bully" it doesn't go too far. I did feel some peace when I quit the EEOC/ERD case, but still do not feel complete. Feel like I am in a box and cannot get out yet. I was always well liked and funny at work - now co-workers ignore me. It is so upsetting. My counselor said I am like a sponge and take on too many feelings of others too. I have too much empathy (which I believe is good). I love to see others happy, just too bad there are those out there who love to see people unhappy and enjoy watching them suffer. My counselor now is a Nun and she is doing a pretty good job. Do you have any other suggestions? I am worried about my marriage because I take it out on my husband. Sometimes I do not like him for not understanding me more. He is strong-minded and like a duck, where the problems roll off of him. Thanks for reading this.

David Johnson Says...:

I feel your pain. Bullying can cause a traumatic reaction. That is what you seem to be describing. Trauma can have long term effects, changing your sensitivity to stimulation, the level of background anxiety you feel, and your tolerance of that anxiety. Too much stimulation makes you irritable.

You need to learn how to manage the stimulation around you as well as your reaction to it. You can lower your sensitivity and tolerance over time by lowering the background anxiety you feel. Now that you are not working, it seems likely that your thoughts and feelings about your past experiences and the stresses in part created by your unemployment are haunting you daily.

One thing that you can do is to learn better control over your thoughts and feelings. The skill that has proven to be highly effective is called mindfulness. In simple terms, mindfulness is the skill of allowing your thoughts and feelings to flow without grabbing hold, judging them, thinking through them, or picking them apart. You are more aware of your thoughts and feelings than ever, but you sit back as an observer try not to intervene. Rather than feeling like your thoughts and feelings are out of control, you instead feel a profound sense of peace, an awareness of everything is temporary, especially your thoughts and feelings. This is what I think people call peace of mind. Imagine feeling at peace with the world, comfortable with your ability to cope with whatever happens and be able to let it go without judgment until it fades away.

This is a skill that requires a lot of practice. It's hard to imagine what it's like without experiencing it's essence after lots of practice. Learning mindfulness requires daily practice over many months before you will see significant progress. The best way to learn is to take a class and/or to practice daily using training CDs like those found here. I particularly recommend this one because it is a complete course of mindfulness training. Here is another one that might appeal to someone who would rather listen instead of practice.

Another method I'd suggest is described in an article I tripped over today. You will need the help of your counselor, so show her this article. Trauma has its greatest effect when it activates your emotions intensely and triggers the creation of emotional memories. These memories are different from thought based memories. These are the memories that drive our nightmares and our automatic emotions that are routinely evoked by our experiences. Some of your worst emotional experiences have been written into your emotional memory such that whenever you are reminded about what happened to you, your emotions are triggered again. That sends your thoughts whirling again as if the trauma of that moment is happening again. You need help managing the reaction you have to these memories. Then by experiencing the presense and support of the counselor. Your memory can be permanently changed, at least by adding the recollection of the support you received. At some level, we all know that telling our story to a supportive listener is healing. It is often very effective, sometimes over only one experience, sometimes over many.

I suspect you've already told your story to your counselor and it didn't work as well as it might. That is probably because of your difficulty managing your reactions, thoughts and feelings. You may need to increase your mindfulness skill before the counseling will be as helpful as it could be.

I encourage you to talk to a lawyer who specializes in getting people qualified for Social Security. You may find you have more of a chance than you think to get disability.

I wish you the very best.

Question: My daughter has a problem with other kids picking on her. She is very sensitive and cries easily. She just always seems to be the kid in the class that gets bullied and picked on. We have moved three times in the past 6 years so it’s always new kids and a new class but the same old problems. She is in a small and pretty well controlled private middle school right now but next year she’ll be joining the local high school, which has almost 3000 students and has a rough element to it. I am very worried about how she will handle this transition. I wish the world were a nicer place but for now I want to change what I can change, and that is maybe my daughter’s behavior. She is a late bloomer and she is not interested in clothes or boys and this makes it hard for her to relate with the other girls, who all seem to be boy crazy and obsessed with their looks. How can I ‘toughen her up’ so she won’t have such problems getting picked on without harming her self esteem or messing with her sweet natured personality?

David Johnson Says...:

Your daughter is very lucky to have an attentive and caring parent. You have been available and attentive, but it's clear it is time to signal a change in approach.
Encourage her to talk about her experiences with bullying, get the history and the details including and most importantly how she feels about it. Listen and tell her you understand and can feel her pain. Don't offer suggestions this time. Likely you've been doing this all along and it has not provided a solution. This is not because your suggestions haven't been helpful. Listening carries a different and important message. It validates her feelings and the importance of the issue. It also signals your change in approach.
Bullying is everywhere, and has been around as long as there were
schools. At some point however, schools and teachers stopped intervening
in bullying. It would appear that now schools are changing their approach and getting back involved. Go in with your daughter and meet with an administrator. Talk frankly about whats been happening and consider what the administrator suggests. Coach your daughter to implement some of the ideas that came out of the meeting.
Then get your daughter into counseling. Its likely her self-esteem is already an issue and she needs help to cope. Periodically, asked to be included in the session to get an update on the progress.

Question: My neighbors children are bullies. They tease my two children and have even threatened to beat them up. I have tried talking to their parents but they are not willing to see the problem for what it is and things have escalated to the point where we do not have a friendly relationship any longer. I have no real leverage to get them to change their ways and they are not interested to make their children stop the verbal abuse. I have told them if their kids ever touch my kids I will call the police but what can I do about them yelling names through the fence? It is very distressing for my children to not feel safe and comfortable in their own back yard. I feel like a failure that I cannot protect them from this in their own home but I am not sure what to do? Any ideas you have would be very welcome!

David Johnson Says...:

I don't think there is a simple solution here. I commend you for trying to work with the parents, but since that has not helped, you have to try other authorities. You don't say what sort of living situation you have. If you live in a community of apartments or condos/townhouses, you can try to approach the landlord or association. They may have policies for conflict resolution. If your neighbor is renting, again approach the landlord. If you live in a house next to another house and both of you are home owners, then try calling the police to see what advice or solutions they offer you. Perhaps these children or their parents could be charged with terroristic threats or harassment. If all else fails, you can contact a lawyer and consider legal action. Or you can move. Its sad that some people have so little interest in working with their neighbors to solve problems, but it happens too often. I wish you and your children luck.

Question: I am in grade 8. Theres a guy from another school that I see every day on my way home from school. He takes my school bag and dumps my books out and calls me fag and gay. He is a lot bigger than me. My uncle has brass knuckles and I know where he hides it. If I smash him with the brass knuckles it should hurt alot. Will this get him to leave me alone? Or is it going to make him mad and wrose? I am scared of him but I cannot take it anymore. I do not care if I get in trouble.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

You MUST discuss this with your parents, number one. Your parents MUST go to your school and discuss this with the Headmaster. This BULLYING has got to stop. NO, YOU SHOULD NOT USE YOUR UNCLES'  BRASS KNUCKLES. Listen to what you are saying about him --- this cannot be stopped by you alone. His behaviour is egregious and needs to be stopped by higher authorities. So, again, please listen to me. Tell your parents about what is happening. Also, tell your parents what I have told you to tell them to do. Getting the Headmaster and if need be the School Board involved will be stronger than "a one time use of brass knuckles.

I have another concern and that is that you are trying to resolve this by yourself and that you yourself did not reach out to your parents or to the school. So I am wondering why. Does it have something to do with him calling you fag and gay and you don't want to discuss this with your parents? Of course, we don't have a back and forth dialogue between us here so I don't know your answer. But if it is that and you don't want them to know what he is calling you just start with  that he takes your school bag and dumps your books. This has to be stopped. It won't with the brass knuckles. He is bigger than you. P L E A S E listen to what I am telling you. The school and your parents need to be involved to stop this guy from biullying you. You are only about 13 years old. It needs people bigger and stronger ( I mean that not only literally but symbolically ) too, to stop his bullying. He needs to be reprimanded by higher authorities, not by a 13 year old with brass knuckles. If you're afraid to start with telling your parents, P L E A S E immediately go to the school guidance counselor and show her or tell her what I told you to do.

I wish you well and please let me know how things go.

Best,

 Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: There’s this supervisor at work that bullies me. He is always belittling me and he always waits until he has an audience before he criticizes whatever I do. I know I need to stand up to him but he stresses me out so much that as soon as I even see him coming my heart rate starts pounding and I can never ever think of any comeback to the insults he throws ‘jokingly’ my way. I go on overload and I can’t think whenever he is around. I am not this way around anyone else. The fact that I can never defend myself just makes it all the more funny to him. How can I learn to get control of myself so I can behave normally and stand up for myself around this jerk. Is there some deep breathing exercise or something I should be doing?

Jill Palmer Says...:

You are absolutely right about deep breathing. It sounds like your adrenaline starts going crazy because of the fear of being bullied and the fastest way to calm down adrenaline is more oxygen. It's important to breathe from your diaphragm and not from your chest. I would slowly bring in as much air as you can, hold for a second, then slowly blow out the air until there is no more left. I would repeat this a few times.

You can also make yoga or meditation a part of your lifestyle so you have the breathing skills and calming skills ready to use regardless of what stressors are present in your life. 

As for your supervisor, having a come back isn't so important. You can practice standing up for yourself in front of friends or family. You can say something to the affect of not treating you in that manner. You don't have to play the game with him but rather say you would appreciate being treated professionally. You can get advice from those you trust on the wording that feels most comfortable to you. You can roll play with friends or family until the words roll out of your mouth. You then don't have to worry about what words to use when you are in front of your supervisor.

It's too bad we can't just be kind to one another. Hopefully your supervisor will back down as soon as you get comfortable standing up to him. I wish you the best with your supervisor. 

Question: I work as a waiter and I have a problem with one of the cooks who works the pass. He is constantly bullying me and harassing me verbally. He will also make sure to send out my food behind other tables so that I have problems with the diners and make less tips/look bad to management. I have talked to the chef about the problems I am experiencing but he did not take them seriously. In this place, the chef’s word is pretty much the end of the story so taking it to the GM makes little sense and might backfire on me. My coworkers agree with me that he is abusive but no one wants to stand up to this guy either. I make good money at this job and don’t want to leave, but he is making my life very difficult. I am Asian and he seems to hate me because of this for some reason. I have a friend who told me he would scare the guy off for me. This seems very childish to me but I am not sure what else to do. Is a workplace bully likely to back off if he gets warned off by a bunch of scary and tough guys or am I just going to make things worse?

David Johnson Says...:

This very frustrating situation is all too common in work places. It's fortunate that you have some support and validation at work, but your coworkers' worry about the risks involved are all too real. Your friend's offer to bully the bully is likely illegal and could get you in a lot of trouble in both criminal and civil laws. 

You have some decisions to make. Its important to know if your treatment at this work place is bad enough to make you leave. The wear and tear on your self-esteem and sense of safety on the job and it's impact on your mental and physical health will be an increasing concern the longer it goes on.

Whether you decide to act or not, it's important that you start documenting and looking for another job. Make notes of each incident of harassment including time and dates as well as quotes and circumstances of the harassment. Collect as much evidence as you can to support your case over a significant amount of time, perhaps at least a month. Consider consulting a lawyer at this point to help you plan you next steps. You will need to be prepared at this point to work elsewhere if necessary. Then when you feel you have enough evidence, write a letter to your harasser and copy the boss. Document each and every incident. Be polite but firm, clearly stating what you expect to change. Then if it happens again, write the boss and copy your harasser, requesting an end to the harassment. 

If your boss doesn't support you, your only other recourse is to get a lawyer and prepare legal action.

I wish you the best. Everyone deserves to work at a place that appreciates them and their work.

Question: I get bullied a lot and called gay because I am smaller and not into sports and because the people in my school are assholes. Last year my English teacher totally picked on me too for no reason at all, like when we were doing class readings he would make me do the girl parts so everyone would laugh. He made it all into a big joke and when I complained to the principal they totally took his side and we had this meeting where he gave me this phony sincere apology and everyone believed him that he was just trying to be a fun teacher but then after that he would stare me down in class and in the hall and it was scary. He hates me and I don't know why. This year he is my home room and English teacher and I am really scared of what is going to happen. My parents think I am making it all up for 'drama'. I don't know if I can take another year of this. How do I get him to back off without making the situation worse than it already is? I am also considering moving to stay with my cousin and working while doing my GED if it doesn't get any better.

Jill Palmer Says...:

I'm so sorry the kids and some teachers are mean. I don't know why they feel the need to intimate others. You have every right to be at that school and shouldn't be intimated or forced to move away. I do believe life gets easier once you are out of school. Most people will grow out of bullying once they are in college.

I would continue to work on your parents because they can help with your teacher. I would also recommend taking karate or tae-kwon-do after school not only because you will be able to protect yourself but you will also start walking with more confidence, in general. You'll also make new friends and feel stronger in your own body.

You might also want to go to counseling (not because there is something wrong with you) but because they can teach you assertiveness skils, can guide you on what to say, and can teach you to cope with these hard times.

Hang on and get through school. I know it's difficult but you deserve an education just like everyone else. Keep yourself safe and I wish you the best of luck on getting through this.

Question: Is it true that people are bullied are sometimes asking for it? I love my brother but I have to admit that he can be pretty annoying and you can tell that he is sort of weak pretty quickly after meeting him. He has been bullied his whole life, at school and now as an adult at work he is still always having problems with people picking on him and he never has anyone to back him up because his habits make it difficult for him to form friendships. It hurts me to watch him have so many problems. Is there some sort of course or therapy he could take or get where he could learn to act in ways that were a little more socially acceptable and so he wouldn’t come across as such a wimp ready for bullying? I want to help him out but I don’t really know how to. I can’t exactly fight his battles for him anymore.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

It's hard to say, not knowing your brother, whether he is asking for it or not. I can though say from what you have described that your brother does have problems that if he got himself into the right kind of therapy it would help him enormously. Now, again, I cannot say why your brother behaves the way he does but I can say that the behaviour he exhibits certainly invites people who are sadistic to bully him. The best thing for him would be to enter psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapy that would certainly get to the root of what formed his personality and that kind of therapy will help him work through his masochism. The result will be that that people would no longer pick on him because with the help of psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapy he will present a very different front ---  he won't allow people to be sadistic towards him.

I don't know his city, state and zip code but if you send it to me I'll help him find someone with the proper training.

Dr. Shirley Schaye

Question: I am a high school Junior who gets bullied every day. I am called dyke and lesbian and fat pig and a lot of other names, especially by this one group of girls who hate me for no reason at all. I just try to ignore everyone and make it through the day but sometimes it is very hard. I am a lesbian but I am not ready to come out to my parents and my family is very religious. I have tried talking to my high school guidance counselor. What a joke that was. He told me I should try dressing prettier and not so much like a guy. Thanks a lot for that…that should fix my problems. He never did anything to the girls who bully me and it is not as like everyone around here does not see what is going on. I am sick of this but since the school won’t help me and I don’t want to get my parents involved (too many difficult conversations that I am not ready for about my sexual orientation) I have no idea about what to do. How can I make this stop without it becoming a big deal and without having more people staring and talking about me all of the time. I just want to get out of this town as soon as possible.

Dr. Shirley Schaye Says...:

I am so...ooo very sorry to hear about the struggles you are dealing with. It is sad that the guidance counselor could be of no help to you. If the school does not take action with those that are bullying you, there will be nothing that you can do to stop them. The school administrators would need to step in and stop this abusive behavior. It is unfortunate that you don't have your parents in your corner to help you negotiate with the school. Are you able to go speak with the principal? You could tell her/him about your interaction with the guidance counselor and how that wasn't of any help to you. Since you can't tell your parents about what is going on, are you able to tell them that you have not been feeling great and would like to be able to see a therapist to help you. You don't need to tell them that you are a lesbian. And you can be sure that if you find an ethical therapist that they would not tell your parents. If they did, it would be an ethical violation. I would be glad to help you find someone if your parents agree to help you with this --- meaning paying for the treatment. If you are interested in finding someone who can support you so that you are not struggling with this all alone, then give me your city, state and zip code. Do let me know if you would like me to help find someone.

Question: My 7th grade daughter comes home crying a lot after school because of a group of popular girls who are bullying her. They do not ever hit or punch her or do anything that is too obvious but they are tormenting her psychologically. They invite everyone to parties but make sure she never gets an invite. They call her names and make other people in her class laugh at her. They write notes about her and pass them around the class. Basically they are trying to do whatever they can to make her feel like she is worthless…stepping on her when she is down. My daughter is a little bit shy but she is a very sweet and smart kid and she does not deserve the way she is being treated. I have talked to her teacher. She says that she can see that some of the girls are not very nice to my daughter but she says that since there is nothing physical it is very hard for her to catch anything that is going on and intervene. The teacher is at least sympathetic and I feel like she is on my side in this but the principle is useless. His attitude seems to be that girls of this age are mean to each other and that’s just the way it normally is and he’s not going to get involved unless there is blood in the hallway, basically. What should I do? I do not know what to do at this point other than to get in touch with the parents of the girls who torment her myself. I have not done so yet because my wife thinks it’s something that could go badly and my daughter is begging me not to. So what should I do? I know how hard this can be on a kid and I know how seriously girls of her age need the approval of their peers.

Jill Palmer Says...:

Tough situation. You are the parent and have to trust your parental instincts on what to do. If you feel contacting the other parents is in the best interest of your child, you and your wife can discuss how to proceed in doing that. Your daughter might get mad at you but you are the parent. You have to do what you think is best and not have regrets later for not doing enough.

This isn't an easy situation and there are no right answers. We, as a society, have a problem with bullying but it won't change unless the adults do something about it. Since there aren't any right answers, trust your instinct. Do what you can. Continue to help your daughter increase her self-esteem, learn assertiveness skills and manage the disappointment of not always fitting in. She might get comfort from professional help so she can have a safe outlet in discussing her emotions around all of this. Being ganged up on can't be easy for her so she will need support in learning how to cope. A professional counselor working with your daughter could also work closely with you on how to move forward with parents and teachers. This professional would have more insight into how well your daughter is really dealing with all of this. 

Bottom line: trust yourself and your parental instincts on how to move forward.