Question: I had a fight with someone on the bus today and I got kicked off by the driver who told me not to come back on. I used the n word at the driver. This is a big problem for me because I need that bus to get to work. This kind of thing happens to me a lot. I have a shitty internal censor and when I get angry I cant help but shout out whatever I am feeling and this leads me to say really horrible things to people. It has gotten me suspended and expelled from schools and fired from jobs and lost me the only few friends I have ever had. It has also gotten me beat up pretty badly twice. I just cant control myself when I want to say verbally hurt someones feelings. I never want to cause problems with anyone but people act bitchy to me all the time for no reason. I don’t always walk around with a smile on my face but I am just lost in my own thoughts. When someone comes at me and acts rude out of nowhere then I feel attacked and react back with whatever I am feeling at the split second. The biggest problem is I use language like the n word or the c word and I can’t stop myself but I do not actually like to use those words or feel like that. I just want to inflict maximum damage at that split second and then I cant take it back. It is the way I have been my whole life.

Rebecca Ashton Says...:

Thank you for your message.

It sounds like you may have some anger management issues and I also sense that there may be some sort of social disorder at play since it sounds as though engaging with/relating to people is often difficult for you.

I'm afraid that I am unable to give medical advice or provide a diagnosis, but I feel that it would be worth seeing your Doctor to discuss this and look at  what your options might be.

It sounds like this situation has already caused significant problems in many areas of your life and I feel that it might be a good time to get some help with this before it causes further problems.

I hope this helps-good luck.

Question: I am a rageoholic. That’s what my last wife called me. Before she left me. I have spoken with therapists and even did a couple of group therapy sessions with a bunch of other angry men when I was trying without success to save my marriage. I know how to recognize my anger when it comes and I know how to arrest its progression with progressive relaxation and deep breathing exercises. But unfortunately, anger is like a drug to me. It’s like a high that I can’t do without. When I feel my anger rushing in I could still stop it if I chose to but at that moment I LIKE IT. I love the sense of power and the loss of control and restraint and my righteousness. I just love it all so much. OF course I don’t like what I get after, but that’s after. So I want to stop but all anyone seems to be able to teach me is to learn how to stop it from blossoming once it gets started. For me though, once it gets started I am like an alcoholic trying to have just one – aint gonna happen. So what do I do?

Rebecca Ashton Says...:

Hello and thank you for your question.

First I'd like to congratulate you on the work that you have done so far-recognising triggers and progression can sometimes be the hardest part of overcoming anger.

You say that you love the sense of power, the loss of control and restraint and your righteousness. It is my feeling that it might be helpful to step away from thinking directly about the anger for a moment and think about what is it about the sense of power, the righteousness and the loss of control and restraint that appeals to you? What could be causing you to seek the rush? What kinds of things could you do to replace that particular high with something more healthy?

You mention that you feel addicted to anger, so it might be worth approaching the issue from an addiction perspective instead of just an anger management perspective.

I hope this helps, good luck.