Question: Hi, within the last few years I have noticed my anger has gotten noticeably worse. Especially when I'm after consuming alcohol. I've found myself saying awful and terrible things to my boyfriends and friends when I'm after alcohol. There has been three times that iv arrived home after a night of drinking and out of nowhere iv started verbally abusing my boyfriend for absolutely no reason saying horrible things that I wouldn't even dream of saying when I'm sober. the worst part is that I don't even mean the things that I'm saying yet i still end up saying them? My dad is quite an angry man who holds a grudge against everyone and iv always made sure that I don't end up like him by thinking positively and not being judgemental however when I'm drunk I seem to explode? And I don't bottle things up either because if myself and my boyfriend ever have an argument were both extremely open and honest with how we feel. I would appreciate any feedback as I don't want to put my boyfriend or my friends through this again and it scares me how I can turn into a different person and be so unpredictable without being able to control myself. Thank you

Dr. Mark Abrahams Says...:

What you are describing is all too common with people who react badly under the disinhibiting effects of alcohol. I do not want to bore or confuse you with a lesson neuroanatomy, but there are subcortical structures in our brains - parts of the brain under the surface that are responsible for basic mammalian emotions. In connection to one of these organelles, the Hypothalamus, my physiology professor referred to them as the  "Four Fs" - Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Mating :-)  

 All humor aside, anger is a primal emotion that serves a survival need. Two of these 'Fs' have to do with the 'Fight or Flight response' which prepares us to defend ourselves or run away from danger, but for some people whose higher brain functions become overwhelmed by alcohol, these subcortical emotional responses surface when they don't need to. The anger that goes along with these unwarranted emotional responses can be tinged with paranoia, which when verbalized becomes all manner of false accusations and name-calling. 

The truth is that many people cannot tolerate alcohol. Perhaps their genetic disposition (which can be tested) does not metabolize the alcohol as quickly or efficiently as others, so that they (you) cannot under any circumstance match your drinking partner's rate of consumption. The harder truth is that you may realize that you should not drink hard liquor AT ALL. It is less likely that wine or beer will result in the same kind of abreaction as hard liquor, although if you consume those in large enough amounts the same negative results are likely to occur. 

Without intending to sound judgemental, I would nevertheless suggest that you reflect on why you are drinking to the point of drunkenness instead of a condition 'pleasant' inebriation. If you find that you are unable to control your alcohol consumption without negative consequences, you may have to consider complete abstinence, and if complete abstinence seems completely unacceptable, you will then have to consider the that you have an alcohol use disorder.

Question: I had a fight with someone on the bus today and I got kicked off by the driver who told me not to come back on. I used the n word at the driver. This is a big problem for me because I need that bus to get to work. This kind of thing happens to me a lot. I have a shitty internal censor and when I get angry I cant help but shout out whatever I am feeling and this leads me to say really horrible things to people. It has gotten me suspended and expelled from schools and fired from jobs and lost me the only few friends I have ever had. It has also gotten me beat up pretty badly twice. I just cant control myself when I want to say verbally hurt someones feelings. I never want to cause problems with anyone but people act bitchy to me all the time for no reason. I don’t always walk around with a smile on my face but I am just lost in my own thoughts. When someone comes at me and acts rude out of nowhere then I feel attacked and react back with whatever I am feeling at the split second. The biggest problem is I use language like the n word or the c word and I can’t stop myself but I do not actually like to use those words or feel like that. I just want to inflict maximum damage at that split second and then I cant take it back. It is the way I have been my whole life.

Rebecca Ashton Says...:

Thank you for your message.

It sounds like you may have some anger management issues and I also sense that there may be some sort of social disorder at play since it sounds as though engaging with/relating to people is often difficult for you.

I'm afraid that I am unable to give medical advice or provide a diagnosis, but I feel that it would be worth seeing your Doctor to discuss this and look at  what your options might be.

It sounds like this situation has already caused significant problems in many areas of your life and I feel that it might be a good time to get some help with this before it causes further problems.

I hope this helps-good luck.

Question: My anger is out of control. I have tried everything but I cannot tame my Rage. I don’t like eye contact or people criticizing my decisions and today my dad was forcing me to look at him in the eyes while he lectured me about not changing the oil in the car and I held it in and held it in and then I shoved him against the car and I think I would have beat him if my mom had not been there and calmed me down. Some people can calm me down when I am in a rage state but I cannot calm myself down very easily in that state. He is a bastard because he knows I can’t stand it when people look me in the eyes but he is older and weak. This is not the first time that something like this has happened and I am wondering if I need to take some medication for anger control? Is there such a thing and do I need to get a prescription for it?

Milena Colyer Says...:

Thank you for your question!

First, let me point out to you that anger is a secondary emotion; meaning, there is an emotion that exists before anger and that emotions provokes the anger. My recommendation would be seeking counseling to discover the primary feelings and root cause of those feelings. I believe some sound Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, with you committed to working through the problems, will likely prove quite successful in helping you overcome these bouts of anger and rage.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you, you have had an experience (maybe many) that has caused you to perceive eye contact and criticism as dangerous. It sounds like you are doing exactly what your body is created to do - protect yourself in situations that may be dangerous. The key will be in overcoming the perception of danger and asserting yourself, rather than defending yourself.

Question: anger problems alcoholism mental disorders can my boyfriend use his issues to help him fighting a assault charge he wasnt un his right mind

Dyan Kolb Says...:

Hello. Your question sounds more like a legal question. I would recommend that he seek legal advice if he caught a case while under the influence. There are so many variables that the legal system takes into account when determining the consequences of an offense. I would, however, recommend that your boyfriend seek mental health services to address any underlying mental health issues, and definitely not drink alcohol at this time if there are legal issues pending. Perhaps for some immediate support around staying away from alcohol he can go to www.aa.org to find a local Alcoholics Anonymous support group near him. 

Best of Luck,

Dyan

Question: I am doing this online program for anger management and there is something that I don’t really understand. One of the things that is recommended is to pay attention to what happens phsyyicaly and cognitively when I start getting angry. Then, once I get the hang of this, once I can recognize these things happening I will know my anger is going up and I can take steps to counteract this before I get out of control. It all sounds very good in theory, but I go from 0 to 10 in about 5 seconds so how am I suppose to bust out a progressive muscle relaxation exercise or imagery exercise within that exceedingly brief window of time? I see this technique of anger stopping gets taught all the time, so I feel like I am missing something basic here. How is this supposed to work in the real world?

Dr. Mark Abrahams Says...:

If you want to be able to employ basic breathing techniques when you need it, it has to be second-nature to you. One does not expect to behave as a martial artist when the occasion arises, if one has never practiced martial arts techniques in a dojo beforehand. One does not go into battle if one has never practiced fighting techniques, or breaking down and repairing a rifle in seconds, in the dark, in case your weapon jams in a fire-fight. 

Before one learns to balance on a bicycle, most children use training wheels which initially gives a 3-point stable position on the ground. Then, the wheels are raised incrementally. One learns to balance oneself on the bike without fear of toppling to the ground. With the training wheels an inch or so above the ground, there is just some wobble until balance becomes natural.

If you want to utilize classic breathing techniques in order to establish emotional balance, you need to practice before the need arises in a crisis. This is what sitting meditation is for. One practices sitting, often in a 3-point sitting posture (knees and butt), in a stable posture. One works with breath until unwanted thoughts evaporate, and consequently, with disturbing thoughts gone, there is nothing left for negative emotions to arise in reaction to. I think it is entirely unrealistic to expect meditative equipoise to arise when needed, if one is hardly acquainted with the state of mind. Therefore, it seems incumbent upon you to find a style of meditation with a proven history, that appeals to you, in order to accustom yourself to those states so that they are available to you when you need them. There are then other applications for the state of mind, say, waiting in a boring line, instead of indulging in cell phone addictive behavior. For meditators, meditation colors one's whole life if one wants it to, and it engenders great psychological and hence physiological health as a lifestyle.

Lastly, as a matter of bibliotherapy, I suggest reading the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. This is one book that has become a constant companion to me no matter how many other books I am reading because it helps keep my mind clear and calm like nothing I have ever read before. Just saying.

Question: I am a rageoholic. That’s what my last wife called me. Before she left me. I have spoken with therapists and even did a couple of group therapy sessions with a bunch of other angry men when I was trying without success to save my marriage. I know how to recognize my anger when it comes and I know how to arrest its progression with progressive relaxation and deep breathing exercises. But unfortunately, anger is like a drug to me. It’s like a high that I can’t do without. When I feel my anger rushing in I could still stop it if I chose to but at that moment I LIKE IT. I love the sense of power and the loss of control and restraint and my righteousness. I just love it all so much. OF course I don’t like what I get after, but that’s after. So I want to stop but all anyone seems to be able to teach me is to learn how to stop it from blossoming once it gets started. For me though, once it gets started I am like an alcoholic trying to have just one – aint gonna happen. So what do I do?

Rebecca Ashton Says...:

Hello and thank you for your question.

First I'd like to congratulate you on the work that you have done so far-recognising triggers and progression can sometimes be the hardest part of overcoming anger.

You say that you love the sense of power, the loss of control and restraint and your righteousness. It is my feeling that it might be helpful to step away from thinking directly about the anger for a moment and think about what is it about the sense of power, the righteousness and the loss of control and restraint that appeals to you? What could be causing you to seek the rush? What kinds of things could you do to replace that particular high with something more healthy?

You mention that you feel addicted to anger, so it might be worth approaching the issue from an addiction perspective instead of just an anger management perspective.

I hope this helps, good luck.

Question: I use methamphetamine and methadone (12 mil a day) every day, my wife recently quitted and is going to NA. She gets very angry at times and makes me angry too... I don't know how to control the situation. Could you please give me some suggestions

Dr. Mark Abrahams Says...:

Sorry, but it seems to me that your wife is in the process of reclaiming some control over her life. Going to NA is the best choice she could make. If her road to recovery causes a major rift in your marriage, the only sane recourse is for you to join her on the road to recovery, before you take the road to the morgue. Sound cold? It's not intended to sound cold, it's intended to sound like "tough love." 

I'm on the side of anyone who wants to be whole, wholesome, holy, healthy. These words all derive from the same root. Living between the extremes of stimulants and narcotics is a madness all of its own, like driving a car with the brakes on. It's inevitably gonna burn out and die. If that's what you want to do, don't take her down with you. If you don't care and want her on a death-trip with you, then let her go so she can live and seek the meaning of her life. 

"Peace, and long life."

Question: I have an anger problem. When I get angry if I don’t let it out I feel like I will explode. Trying to relax doesn’t work for me. I have a problem with getting really angry at myself and everything when I get frustrated. Like today in maths I just couldn’t do the problem and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and I just got so frustrated that I couldn’t even think. And then because I couldn’t let my anger out my head was so full of hate and anger I couldn’t think straight to even listen or think and the whole class was wasted and now I am even more confused. I need a way to release my anger in a way that’s not going to get me kicked out of class or make my look like a crazy weirdo.

Katie Brooks Says...:

Hello there-

It
sounds as if you have quite a bit of insight into your problem.  You are right;
if you do not deal with anger it will bottle up and distract you from getting
your work done.  It works this way with all feelings.  I think it
would be beneficial for you to see a therapist in order to work on coping with
your anger.  It might take a few trial and error practices to get the
right skills that work for you.  The main idea though is to get the anger
out in a healthy way that will not hurt anyone else or yourself.  

Being in class complicates things though.  Once you feel
the anger welling it up it is best to deal with it as soon as possible.
 If you are able to talk at this point, you may want to walk up to the
teacher and ask for help.  Explain, "I am really frustrated and angry
at myself because I think I am doing the problem wrong."  Trust that
your teacher can help you.  You can also ask another student that you
trust, but make sure that the anger is not too big at this point.  

In addition, writing in a journal can be effective.  Write
about your anger and where it is coming from.  Then pretend you are your
own best friend and write down some words that are comforting like, "I can
do this." "Sometimes math is hard, but if I ask for help I can keep
working on it.”  If the anger has gone on too long and you think that you
may not have self-control you can ask to go to the bathroom.  Once outside
you can use a number of techniques:  call a friend, scream into your
jacket, jump up and down or even kick a tree (one of my patients finds this
effective).  As soon as you use one of these skills the excess energy is
out return to class and try to ask for help again. 

The last method that my patients find helpful is the hardest to
use because you have to be willing to do it. 
It is called opposite action.  Once
you have identified that you are tired of being any negative emotion, do the
exact opposite of the emotion that you are feeling.  Obviously your anger will not want you to do
anything but be angry, but it helps the emotions to change.  Distract yourself with something or someone
funny.  Keep a funny joke, pictures/
videos with you, so when you go to the bathroom listen to or watch something
funny.  I know it sounds silly, but it
works! 

Anger is a really uncomfortable emotion to deal with so I just
want to appreciate your bravery in asking for help.  Please contact me if you have any further
questions at GoodTherapySanDiego.Com.

Question: Do online anger management classes work or are they just a waste of time?

Katie Brooks Says...:

Sometimes on-line education
can be a great way to gain extra information.  See if there are any
reviews on these programs and make sure that a licensed professional runs it.  In addition, find out what
kind of program it is and match it to your learning style.  Everyone
learns in a different way.  For example, some people are visual learners,
others are auditory learners, and some learn best live and in the classroom.
 It also depends on the extent of your anger and what kind of treatment
you need.  If you are trying to educate yourself because you need better
emotional management skills then on-line education should suffice.  If you
are experiencing emotional problems that are causing dysfunction and impacting your
health, friendships, spouse, and/or work then I would seek a counselor.  At this point you may need a higher level of
treatment.  Good luck!

Question: I am kind of a quick tempered person. I have two children, a boy who is 6 and a girl who is 4. I was always scared of my dad who was the family disciplinarian and I never wanted to walk in his footsteps with my own children but I can see that they are scared of me because I am quick to get angry and, as my wife will always tell me, what is worst is that my anger is unpredictable and seems to come out of nowhere. I often feel regret after yelling at my children for being too harsh but regret’s not very helpful since I can’t stop at the heat of the moment. I do not use corporal punishment at least. I am willing to change but not sure how to start. I want a happy family not a scared and dysfunctional one.

David Johnson Says...:

I commend you for your courage in facing your anger issue. Parenting is THE most difficult job we will ever face, largely because we care so much for our children, our emotions are always involved at peak levels. Managing and making sense of them is very difficult and important.

First of all, your unpredictable anger does indeed come from somewhere. It will take detailed self-exploration that requires several sessions with a psychotherapist. Consider bringing your wife along. You may find things will go much quicker with her help.

Here is an example of the sorts of things you may learn about yourself. Anger in men often reflects underlying feelings of vulnerability. Boys are often shamed for vulnerable feelings because it is thought they aren't manly. They often compensate by adopting anger as their favorite feeling, an manly emotion of strength. Perhaps you are afraid of how your children will grow up. Perhaps you worry their behavior has to shape up quickly before they head off to school or they will find their future compromised. Perhaps you see some of your less desirable traits in your children and worry your children will suffer like you did. So you become excessively persistent and insistent to squelch out the offending behaviors. Or perhaps you are simply overwhelmed with their age appropriate behavior. All you want is peace and quite after a long stressful day at work.

Whatever the underlying issue is, you must ferret it out and learn to address it appropriately. You will learn that your angry behavior can be controlled. Your belief and fear that you can't control it makes it beyond your reach. It will take lots of practice and a willingness to look yourself in the mirror unflinchingly to master your anger. Once you learn what feelings underlie your anger and you begin to master the "heat of the moment," you will discover some concrete ways to address and express your feelings by learning new skills and expanding your knowledge of child care.

You will also learn to listen to your children, understand how to respectfully address their concerns as well as your own, and negotiate a win win solution.