Question: How can I know if I am ready to face my triggers? I like to play recreational hockey and I have been playing for 20 years. I am 2 months sober now. I am not sure if I should play hockey this coming season because hockey and going out for beers is very mixed together in my head but on the other hand twice a week games are the only thing that keep me sane. And what is the point of being sober if I can't do sports? I am not embarrassed to be in recovery. I am thinking about telling everyone on the team that I am trying to maintain my sobriety and asking them to not let me come out with them for drinks after games. This way I can still play but I have some insurance that I will not go out and drink after.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

Congratulations on starting a fantastic journey; one that will hopefully last the rest of your life. Two months is a relatively short amount of sobriety, but only you can determine how strong your recovery is. If you feel playing hockey keeps you sane, then, by all means, play hockey. I will be honest that I didn't go anywhere that served alcohol or participate in activities that involved drinking during my first year. These are personal choices that each person in recovery must make for themselves. Consider the strength of your sobriety program and the support you have from other people in recovery. This is certainly a conversation to have with your sponsor for his recommendation.

There is no problem with your friends knowing you're in recovery, but please don't make it their responsibility to not ask you along for beers after a game. Your sobriety is your own responsibility and will be from now on. This will not be the only situation you will encounter in recovery in which you will have to make a decision about whether or not to attend an event because there will be drinking involved. Normal people drink and it is our job as persons in recovery to adapt to their world, not the other way around. Maybe you could say something like, "I'm kinda worn out tonight and think I'm gonna go home and get some rest." You don't have to tell people why you don't go or why you don't drink, unless you choose. I wish you the best of luck with your sobriety and your season!!!

Question: How many years of drinking does it take for a person to become an alcoholic? My brother has only been drinking for less than a year and I know this is true since I got him drunk for the first time on his 18th birthday 11 months ago. He has been depressed for a long time and I thought a crazy night out might help. But since then he has been drinking a lot and sometimes I have come home and found him drinking by himself alone watching TV. I am worried about him but it seems like you can't become an alcoholic this fast so I am not sure what I am worried about.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

There is no required amount of time before a person becomes an alcoholic. Crossing over from normal drinker to alcoholic is more dependent on heredity, personality, support for the drinking, and the environment in which a person grew up. These factors differ from person to person and even among siblings. There is much research into why 10% of the population abuse substances and the other 90% do not, but there are no definitive answers.

Alcoholics Anonymous sites two requirements to diagnose oneself as an alcoholic. The first is when you drink, you cannot predict the outcome. Example: You say you'll have two and then have twenty-two or you say you'll only have a couple and wake up in jail. The second is that you cannot stop drinking when you really want to stop.

I am concerned about your brother's long-term depression for two reasons. One is that people often drink out of boredom and/or depression because they feel they have nothing better to do or nothing to really live for. Since no one can determine how much drinking it requires to become an alcoholic, some people cross the line and find they cannot quit when they do have something better to do. The second is that when depressed people drink a depressant, they get more depressed. Some people can get so depressed that they become suicidal with disastrous results. It might be better to approach your brother about getting some help (in-person therapy) for the depression, rather than addressing his alcohol use at this time. If the depression is allieviated, the alcohol use may diminish as well. Good luck to both of you in your journey!

Question: I have a bad drinking problem and whenever I start drinking I always end up getting totally loaded even when I didn't really mean to. I know I have to cut way down or I am going to end up a bum on the street but I do not think I am ready to stop drinking forever. I was thinking about trying to drink on alternating days and then on days when I am hungover just popping a couple of valium ad taking it easy with drinking. Maybe after I get used to this (half the drinking I am currently doing) I will be able to make further cuts to go down to a couple or even one day per week. Does this sound like a reasonable plan to try. I realize tat it is not really fitting within the 12 step model but it is something that might work for me.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

I applaud your realization that you have a problem; many people never do. If you are considering cutting back on the number of days you drink, then please try that first. Substituting Valium for alcohol is the same as substituting beer or wine for hard liquor--they are all depressants and have the same effect on the body. The plan you have laid out really changes nothing that is happening inside your body. Why not try drinking every other day and doing nothing every other day?

If you find you cannot cut your intake in half, cut the amount you drink in each drinking session. You are correct that your plan is not in line with the 12 Step model, but those in Alcoholics Anonymous would advise you to continue your plan until you are ready to stop completely. If you find you cannot cut back without serious withdrawal symptoms, please seek medical assistance. Withdrawal from alcohol is the most serious form of withdrawal for the human body. I wish you luck and hope your plan works for you!!

Question: Do I need to go through a rehab program before I can get into a sober living house? Most of the places I have talked to are saying that I have to go through treatment first. I don’t think I need rehab again since I have been through it twice already. But both times after finishing rehab I relapsed pretty quick back to drinking. Now I think my biggest problem is just the people and place that I live in and with. I think if I tried to make a fresh start away from all that temptation it would be better. I am in Ventura County but I am currently unemployed and I have no children so I could relocate to anywhere. I am still drinking but I am ready to stop when I get things lined up. Any information or advice you have for me would be very welcome.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

Before I start, let me explain that every individual is unique and their path to sobriety is just as unique. Not everyone takes the "established" path and many people achieve true and lasting sobriety in their own unique way.

That said, the established path to sobriety is that an individual completes a treatment program, achieves new sobriety, and moves into sober living as a way to maintain that sobriety. The first problem is that you have not been able to achieve sobriety for more than a short time, so sober living cannot maintain something that doesn't exist. Another problem is the feeling that "people, places and things" have to change in order for you to achieve sobriety. You have been through treatment twice and know thoughts like this go directly against established 12-Step thinking which is that you can get sober--spouse or no spouse, job or no job, etc.

My best suggestion is: find a sober living program who will accept you without treatment, go there and learn how to develop a new way of living without alcohol. If you cannot, enroll in another treatment program, learn everything you can, and then contact sober living.

I wish you the best in your journey to a sober life!!

Question: My wife of 10 years was a very heavy drinker who eventually decided to get some help for her drinking about 6 months ago after it became clear that she was flirting with alcoholism if she maybe hadn’t already passed that line. I had been encouraging her to get some help and I am really proud of the way she has managed to stay sober since then with only a couple of small slips and that she is still really keeping things up by going to a lot of AA meetings. She is a lot less moody than she was when she was drinking (then you never really knew what you were going to get). She has lost 20 pounds and she really looks 10 years younger. The problem is our sex life has really been affected by this change in her lifestyle. Before, she would have a few glasses of wine and get in the mood and we’d have sex and I’d go to bed and she’d head downstairs again and finish off a half dozen more glasses of wine as she watched movies and or looked on the internet. Now we go and stay in bed together but she is never in the mood and we have only had sex a few times since she quit. She says she’s not sure why she feels so differently now and she has asked me to just be patient. I am of course ready to do everything I can to support her in this but I would like to know if this is a common side effect of sobriety and if it is something that is likely going to pass in time?

Melissa Borlie Says...:

Congratulations to you and your wife on her sobriety!

All people are different and so are their sex drives, but this is a common complaint in early sobriety. If the situation has not resolved within the first year and your wife is still unclear as to her feelings, I would seek help from a therapist.

Good luck to you both!

Question: My brother is a functional alcoholic. He drinks every night and gets up to go to work 5 days a week. He is visiting right now and last night we shared a case of beers. This is not something I do very often but it is something he does every day. Today I had the worst hangover I can remember ever having in my life. It is 8 in the evening now and I am barely able to take in solid foods even now! My brother has already been drinking for hours and he was up at 8 this morning working on the broken lawnmower I had been complaining about – right as rain. Why can he drink and not get hungover? I am trying to understand why he drinks so much. Do alcoholics become so used to alcohol that they no longer become hung over after drinking. I cannot imagine drinking again for a long while after the way I felt today.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

The simple answer to your question is that all alcoholics build up a tolerance to alcohol. The human body becomes used to a level of alcohol and then it takes more to achieve the same effect. For example, after drinking one six-pack a night for a time, it later takes two six-packs to get as drunk. After drinking for many, many years, alcoholics can drink an incredible amount of alcohol.

On the issue of hangovers, some people have a hangover after drinking one beer and some people never have hangovers. It all depends on the person.

Question: I think I want to try going to an AA meeting. I am definitely drinking way too much and if I look at myself honestly then I have to admit that I am an alcoholic. I am very shy. I don’t know if there is a word or condition that describes how I am but I will never willingly put myself into a room full of strangers where I might have to say something with everyone looking at me. What I want to know is if I go to a meeting do I have to say anything or talk about myself. From the movies I’ve seen it looks like this is what people do. Can I just sit in the back and choose not to talk if I don’t want to. I f I don’t have to talk to anyone I might have the courage to go and try one out. If I have to get up and say something then there is just no way.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

Congratulations on your courage in taking the first step!!

The answer to your question is a definite no; you do not have to talk in AA meetings. You might want to start with some open meetings. These are meetings that have a pre-selected speaker and are held so people can "identify" with an alcoholic. Other than the group leaders, the speaker is usually the only person to speak about themselves at an open meeting.

Once you feel more comfortable with the process, you can attend "closed" meetings which are for alcoholics only or people who think they may have a problem. Some groups hold special meetings for beginners to explain how the process works. The main thing to remember is that no one in AA should attempt to force you to do anything. If they say you HAVE to talk, please look for another group.

I truly wish you the best in your search and on the journey you are beginning!!

***Disclaimer: Meetings I describe are located in Oklahoma. AA meetings are not the same in all areas.

Question: My husband quit drinking 3 months ago and he is doing great. He had to go to a 2 month outpatient treatment program after his second DUI and he was going to AA but he stopped a couple of weeks ago and says he is doing fine on his own and that he doesn’t need any help any more. He was pretty bad for a while last year and I am actually shocked at how easily he has been able to make this enormous change. He used to drink until he passed out in front of the TV every night for years. He told me last night that he plans on going with his buddies for a weekend of ice fishing as soon as the lake is solid enough. These weekends, as far as I know, are pretty much all about drinking with the guys and very little about the actual fishing. He says he just won’t drink and that he is totally fine now and that I shouldn’t worry about it. I am very worried about it but I don’t know if I am overreacting. He has been doing so well so should I just trust him when he says he is cured? Or should I make this a very big deal and insist that he not go. I have threatened to leave him and take the kids away before and that was one of the reasons why he quit.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

Alcoholics are almost never "cured" of their addiction and very few can return to "normal" drinking after drinking alcoholically. Your husband's sobriety is exactly that--his sobriety. Your making a big deal of his trip will do nothing toward keeping him sober and may give him just another excuse for why he drinks. He has to get sober and stay sober on his own; with or without the help of AA. Many people do have an epiphany and get sober with the help of church, a doctor's warning, or a threat of losing their family.

I would suggest that you check into Al-Anon, a program for friends and family members of alcoholics (whether the alcoholic is drinking or not). They can give you support and guidance on your journey; while your husband walks his own path to sobriety. If your husband chooses not to stay sober, then you will need to make decisions to protect yourself and your children from further harm. Al-Anon can be a valuable resource in making decisions and taking action. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!

Question: I was 6 months sober but relapsed last night after running into some old friends and hitting a bar with them. They did not know I had quit drinking and I just lost my resolve for a moment and before I knew it I had 6 pints in me and the night was still young. I know I need to get back on the wagon but I am pretty tempted to wait until after New Year’s Eve to do it. I think that since the damage is already done I might as well give myself one last holiday season to party through before quitting for good this time in the new year. I went through a pretty tough detox before I quit drinking last time. Will drinking with friends for like a week or so before I quit again be long enough to give me problems with detox again? I think that only a week of drinking cannot be enough to get my body so dependent again, but I am not sure and I do not wish to go through that detox again. I have already had a few drinks this morning.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

You've asked a relevant question at this time of year. My answer is going to be tentative because I cannot answer for your body, your attitude about recovery, nor the amount of alcohol you will drink during the time you are "back out". You can probably come back to recovery without detox after a week or so. That said, the more times you go back out and the longer you stay out each time makes it harder and harder to come back to recovery. Make it your New Year's resolution and try to stick with it. I wish you the best during the holiday season!

Question: I have a question about recommended drinking allowances. As far as I understand it, moderate and safe drinking for men is no more than 2 drinks per day. But is this the case for men of all sizes? I am 6 foot 8 and about 300 pounds and there is a little bit of fat on me but I’m not in bad shape and I am almost as muscular as I was during my college football days a decade ago. If I go out for a beer with a much smaller male friend of mine, I can have 2 beers easily to each one he has and still stay sober enough to drive home. I don’t know this for a fact, but I bet I could have 6 or 7 beers and still not exceed the legal limit whereas my smaller friend would be well over and pretty intoxicated by that point. But as for safe drinking for my longer term health, do my liver and kidneys and other organs care that I not getting drunk? I mean, is the blood alcohol concentration that I hit on a daily basis what is most relevant when determining how much harm alcohol is doing to me over a lifetime, or is just the total amount of alcohol I consume? If it is the latter, I should drink no more than my smaller friend, even though I only get half the effects he does from that same amount.

Melissa Borlie Says...:

This is a very good question and I'm glad you asked it. The recommended limits are for the "average" person. "Average" doesn't include people with chronic diseases, pregnant women, or low body weight, etc. With your physical size and being in good shape, you would probably not be included in "average". Which means it really does take more alcohol for you to be impaired than a smaller person. However, the only way to know for certain is to obtain a breathalyzer and test yourself. This is one situation I would not "bet" on.

Your internal organs don't care whether you get drunk; they react to the exposure to alcohol over the long-term. You could assume that because you are of above average size, so are your kidneys and liver. Then, you could assume that your kidneys and liver can filter more alcohol than the average person's. From the scientific standpoint, alcohol is broken down into components that are poisonous to the human body. My assumption is always: There is only so much any filter can filter. At what point does your body cross that line? I'm not sure anyone can give you that specific information without extensive testing. It's a gamble you have to be willing to take.