Question: Hi. I am 54, female from a middle class domestic violence family in NC. My father was a violent alcoholic for many years. He had BPD and extreme narcissistic traits as well as sexually abusing me for years. My family hid behind the Baptist church. My mother is a very passive church mouse who stood by her man until he died on their 51st wedding anniversary. I still struggle with CPTSD and BPD myself. I have 465 days recovery from opiate/benzos addiction. Anyway, my question is this: can you help me to understand why I feel such anger at my non-offending mother. She was born in 1929, and I grew up in the 1970s-early 1980s when church schools fought for their rights to operate without having to report anything to government officials and to keep the government out of their business. Plus, our church enforced the submissive wife model who prays for her abusive spouse to change, no matter how he treated her and any children. A lot of people I attended church school with were openly abused. Is it common for ACOA'S to feel anger at the parent who caused them to have to endure he'll on earth and allowed them to become so screwed up? how do I resolve This? She is a big PTSD trigger for me, although I love and pity her. She is sickly and in a nursing home, yet I panic every time I see her. I feel so guilty. Is this common? Any suggestions? She really is a good person, but made some horrendously hurtful decisions in life. She literally had no social support to leave him. Society would have shamed and rejected her if she had left him. She was also financially dependent on him

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there - thank you for connecting with us

Yes, it's incredibly common for ACOAs to be angry and it seems you've already read a lot about those dynamics.

I urge you to consider the common characteristics and roles of ACOAs and find yourself in them

Anyone in your shoes would be angry. You felt unprotected and you looked to her as a child for safety

It makes sense that seeing her triggers you.

Resolution comes from working through the fact thaat your abuser is deceased and moreso, being in the here and now with confidence as a grown woman. When you are panicing or triggered, you probably feel very small and very young

Working on mindfulness and grounding skills will help

Forgive your mother - she did what she could and what she felt she was allowed to

But forgiveness means letting go

and we need a lot of help and support with that

Please lean on loved ones and please write me more if I can help!

Question: Hello. I have read some of your articles and resonate with the things you say. I think I am an alcoholic. I'm not drinking right now, but I'm what you'd call a "dry drunk". I am obsessed with alcohol and think about drinking all day and night. I am living in torment right now. I have seen other therapists but I haven't connected with anybody. I think I read that you do online/phone counseling. I have tricare insurance. I was wondering if you could help me. Thank you, Susan

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Susan,

Thank you so much for reaching out and connecting with me! I am happy for you that you've achieved a period of sobriety and being a "dry drunk" means that you've yet to make other changes in your life. I am biased in that I see 12 step programs as very effective, free and widely available and so I recommend and defer to them as the real experts.

Telemedicine is evolving and my hope is that within the next two years, online therapy will be reimbused by all insurance companies. One of the greatest challenges curently is that therapists and counselors are only able to practice and serve folks within the state they are licensed in. For me that happens to be Maine.

My suggestion is to consult with folks in local recovery and describe what you're looking for in a counselor - they typically have the best insight into who is most effective.

If I can answer other questions or be helpful in any way, please email me counseling@roadrunner.com

Best,

Jim

Question: I am married to an alcoholic. He first identified himself as an alcoholic 7 years ago after he had a bad fall and a black out and started AA and had a sobriety period of about 2 weeks. Since then he has had different time periods of sobriety that last 2-4 weeks. What I noticed the past 4 years is he has a sifnificant incident while drinking (fall, fight, etc) and he declares sobriety, remains sober for about 3-4 weeks then slowly starts drinking again. His frequency and amount increases over the time span of about 8 months or so until he is consistently binge drinking every weekend, has a significant incident, then starts the pattern all over. He recently had his longest period of sobriety 60 days. I attend Al Al-Anon and am learning a lot but this pattern is difficult to watch and stay out of. Can you provide some insight into what is happening with this pattern? Any ideas on how I can keep myself from participating in it? His sober times are not exactly pleasant either. He is usually anxious, agitated, and irritable. When he drinks he is beligerant and very unpleasant.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hello and thank you for connecting with me and sharing your experience.

The pattern you've described is very common and as you're seeing, it tends to get worse over time.

What we most often see is a gradual decline in the person's ability to function.

To not participate in his patterns is primarily a matter of being true to yourself and not enabling him.

The good news is that the folks you're meeting with at Al-Anon and their literature can teach you a great deal about that.

Not pretending is a big part but not expecting it to change and not attempting to evoke change in him are important considerations. I urge you to focus on yourself and promote your own well being. You may well find that you have some patterns that correspond to his.

I am struck by your words "His sober times are not exactly pleasant either. He is usually anxious, agitated, and irritable. When he drinks he is beligerant and very unpleasant."

This has been true for many years it seems. Perhaps you're holding out hope that he will change but it seems likely to me that closely examining that hope would show it to be unwarranted. Please focus on yourself and on fulfilling your needs. Please contact me if I can answer further questions or otherwise be helpful

Jim

Question: Hi Jim- So as a partner with an Alcoholic does it make a difference if you are there for them or not ? My partner - I can do nothing right for he is very negative in many ways but yet I understand he is messed up and I try to be the strong person , but am I really helping or should a person walk away or stay and try to help them /us get help ? Do they ever care they threaten your life or that they get mean? I write him letter but he is never sorry for how he treats me and his son?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi Janelle, thank you for writing and for making your needs a priority.

My first caution to "affected others" (we who love an active alcoholic or addict) is to ensure that we are not enabling (protecting the alcoholic from the natural consequences of their behavior). To do so is to rob them of motivation to change and while it usually comes naturally to us to be protective, we must allow folks to suffer and to "hit bottom" (the point at which suffering becomes too great not to change).

I'm curious as to what sustains you and what your expectations of you are?

It seems for all that could be said about your partner...they are consistent - consistently ungrateful, unapologetic, and well...mean.

I would urge you not to tolerate this and to seek whatever resolution you feel is best for you and the child (unclear if the boy is your son as well?). I urge you to gather support from friends and family and from th amazing people of Al Anon and Nar Anon and any other community resources that are knowledgeable about addiction and being in your shoes. I find that counseling is also very helpful. If I can answer further questions please contact me. Please take excellent care of yourself!

Question: Hi Jim, My husband is an active alcoholic. I've been going to Al-Anon meetings for four months. Just got a sponsor. I have a question for you though. When sober, my husband is a very passive man. He comes across as a super nice guy (I know him better now to know he's not a super nice guy). On a few occasions while drunk, he has said violent, hurtful things. He's punched a wall while drunk. Thinking about my safety, how concerning is this behavior if it's done when drunk? When sober, he does not go off in these type of rants. Will the alcoholism eventually lead him to behave violently when sober? I have not been physically abused by him, but have been verbally abused during his drunken rants (Mel Gibson type of alcohol rants). Thank you!

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you so much for your excellent question. I urge you to consider that as your husband's disease progresses, his behavior will likely become more erratic and difficult to predict. Given what you've described it seems plausible that he would assault but this is at best a guess based on precious little information. I would sooner urge you to consider that at best it's a calculated risk and secondly, you are already tolerating abuse in the form of verbal assaults and violent destruction of property.

I encourage you to do what most ensures your safety and to not tolerate his behavior. If he is intoxicated and behaving this way, I would encourage you to call your local police and have him arrested. There is nothing in alcohol that makes a man abusive - there is simply the reality that his inhibitions are down and his anger is coming out - seemingly at a person who deserves none of it. Please contact me if I can answer further questions. Very best, Jim

Question: Hi, I need help with my 33 year old son. He is an alcoholic. He was attending AA he has relapsed been drunk continusly for 7 days. both his sister and I told him that he had the choice to stop drinking, call rehabs or he must leave. We can't get him to do anything. He just ignores us, and drinks more till he passes out. He won't leave. He knows that we are not physically able to pick him up and boot him out, so he locks his door to his room and drinks until he passes out. I don't know where he is getting the money? . He is deliberately disrespecting our ultimatum. I have no other family members or help to "get him to do something" I am disabled, not financially able to provide insurance for him. He does have medi-cal, I need support and physical assistance with him. He won't go to AA, call rehabs, or leave. Help me please. We have 7 days down of his drinking- doing nothing. Not working, Nothing but getting messed up. Help please.

Jim LaPierre Says...:

My heart goes out to you and your family. I've known a lot of good people who find themselves in a place of having no good options. My best guidance to you is to meet with a member of your local police department and ask for their guidance. My guess is that it will take legal action to have him removed from your home (which at this stage, I fear is the only option). If you find the police to be unsupportive, please contact your district attorney and ask what steps to take.

Sadly, I see no reason to believe that this situation will improve as long as he remains in your home. In all my work with addiction I have only found two motivators for change - Suffering and Spiritual Awakenings.

My heart goes out to you as I know this must be very painful, but please know that providing him shelter, food, or in any way preventing him from suffering is the worst thing you can do. Blessed be and please email me if I can be of further help. counseling@roadrunner.com Best, JIm

Question: Hi Jim, Ive was seeing a guy for a few months who I believe is an alcoholic.. I noticed that the days he wasn't drinking he was short tempered and mean, then it started to get more abusive never physical but definitely mental abuse. For months I blamed myself thinking how did he just change. Ive spent months trying to help him to see that he needs help but this has only back fired and made him more angry at me. Recently I told him he was an alcoholic and surrounded himself with alcoholics to make himself feel better about that bad choices hes making, After I told him this he blocked me so I couldn't contact him anymore, for me it was a blessing he has been so abusive for months that I was glad he has shut me out, do you think there is any hope for a 37 year old who doesn't see they have a problem he drinks around the clock on the weekends and hes been taking to hospital due to his drinking.. His friends are like him... Why did he get so angry when I said your an alcoholic if he doesn't think he has a problem.. Is there anything I can do

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thanks for your excellent question. Short answer - no, there's nothing you can do other than pray or send positive vibes or whatever works for you spiritually. It's a tough form of powerlessness when we care about someone and see that they're destroying themselves. Is there reason to have hope? Always and absolutely. People change when they're ready to and for most of us that requires that we become sufficiently sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've had the joy of working with a lot of folks who weren't ready only to meet up with them years later when they were. There is a time and a place for everything. Just do you and accept that it isn't time for him to get "it." ("It" = himself and his disease).

Be especially good to you :)

Blessed be,

Jim

Question: My husband has a history of pancreatitis due to years of alcoholism. He is currently drinking now and I am worried about his health. I throw away the alcohol but he buys more. He won't go to the hospital or stop drinking. What do I do?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thank you for your question. My heart goes out to you and I wish that I had better news for you. The simple truth is that you're powerless and nothing you can do will prevent your husband from drinking. The risks that he's taking say a lot and they indicate that his disease is making his decisions for him. I know it's hard to hear this but I implore you to take excellent care of yourself. It's one of the cruelest aspects of addiction that we who love them must witness such destruction. Please get support for yourself and blessed be.

Question: Why do alcoholics try to insist that you drink with them? Is part of being an alcoholic having abdoment issues?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there! Most alcoholics dislike drinking alone for the simple reasons that it's lonely, depressing, and tends to increase awareness of how much they're drinking and how sad things are. Abandonment issues are common amongst alcoholics, but even more salient is the feeling of being apart from instead of a part of - hence the desire to have you drink with them. My approach is most often to simply decline the drink and accept the company if I care to. The key is to set boundaries and to call a spade a spade as the expression goes. It's often uncomfortable but I readily say things like, "When I said I didn't want to drink, what I meant was that I don't want a drink." I don't say these things to be unkind but rather to prevent further attempts to change my mind. Best of luck to you!

Question: Are alcoholics ever sad about anything? Does liquor take all their emotions away?

Jim LaPierre Says...:

Hi there and thanks very much for your question! Short answer - alcoholics generally experience a full range of emotions but will often conceal many of the more vulnerable emotions (fear, sadness, disappointment, loneliness) and they will drink to numb these emotions. Depending upon the individual, you may see a sharp mood swing when they drink. Of course alcohol remains a depressant (we forget sometimes that alcohol is a drug). So the feelings of sadness may be repressed/stuffed and yet they remain and build up, often resulting in depression. It's easy to miss depression when it's masked by anger or concealed/hidden by other behavior/emotions. Please let me know if I can offer other information.

Very best, Jim