Question: Morning. Why do male alcoholics want their girlfriend to drink with them?

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. I can't say I know what any particular person may be thinking. However it seems logical that an alcoholic person who wants his girlfriend to drink with him might want to legitimize his own drinking. He may be thinking that if his girlfriend drinks with him, then he isn't doing anything wrong. So his girlfriend drinking with him would help him to alleviate any guilt his has over his own drinking. Someone who has a drinking problem can be aware deep down that they are harming themselves but he may be unable to stop. When you know you're doing something wrong, you feel guilty about it. But if someone joins you in this behavior which you feel guilty about, it can make you feel less guilt about it. The alcoholic person can justify their own drinking by thinking, "my girlfriend is doing too so it must be OK." 

 I hope this helps answer your question.

Question: Hi, I'm an EAP Coordinator and have a friend who is suffering from Alcoholism. She has no insurance but wants help. I do not want her to detox by herself. Any suggestions on where to send her? Outpatient will not work. Thanks, Mike

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. I don't suggest your friend try to detox from alcohol without medical supervision. Alcohol detox can be dangerous. Your friend could have a seizure if she is drinking a lot and have severe withdrawal symptoms. Alcohol withdrawal is one of the worst forms of withdrawal. But there is medical treatment that will make the withdrawal more manageable.

Even without insurance, she can go to a hospital for treatment if she is having withdrawal symptoms. It is important that she has withdrawal symptoms when she goes to the hospital. If they assess her and find she is in alcohol withdrawal, they have to treat her. Because alcohol withdrawal is life threatening, they cannot refuse to treat her regardless of whether she has insurance. Hospitals have to treat life threatening disorders. If she was in a car accident and needed emergency surgery, it wouldn't matter if she had insurance. The hospital would have to treat her. The hospital could try to collect money for the treatment afterward but they cannot refuse treatment.

If she is concerned about owing the hospital money, she can try getting funding from the department of public welfare (DPA) or her county. The DPA can give her medical assistance based on her need for treatment. Many counties also have a Drug and Alcohol Commission which will fund treatment through the county. Your friend should first contact her county's Department of Public Welfare or Public Assistance office. She can explain her situation and need for alcohol detox and ask about receiving assistance. If the DPA is unable to provide her public assistance due to her income or other reasons, they should be able to direct her to resources in her community. If that doesn't work, look for a local Drug and Alcohol commission. She can also contact a rehab in her state and inquire whether they take people without insurance. Some rehabs will take people without insurance because they get funding from the county or state that covers people without insurance.

I hope this helps and your friend can find the treatment she needs.

Question: I want to open a sober house in Philadelphia. I am not a guy that is trying to capitalize on others misfortune and just doing this for the money like I know a lot of people that start sober homes are I am a recovering alcoholic with 4 years of sobriety that wants to give back. I am in the process of inheriting my mothers 5 room house and this is why I am in a position to do this. What do I need to do to do this? Are there any special licenses I need? Since I am going to charge a very low or reasonable price I think I can fill the rooms pretty easily.

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. There currently isn't a license you need to open a sober living or recovery home in Pennsylvania. However, I did some research and found an article stating they are starting a certification process. According to the article, the certification won't be mandatory but you wouldn't be able to get any funding without certification. You can find the article here. I do think it is needed and should be mandatory. It's not that I think people should be limited from starting sober living homes but many of them aren't structured as they should be. As a person in recovery, I'm sure you recognize the need for structure in a sober living home.

In order to make your sober living home structured, I would create a business plan. It doesn't have to be a complicated or long plan but write down some goals for what you want the house to be like. Whenever you start a business, you need to have an plan for how the business will be managed. Consider what the rules of the house will be and what budget you have to start it. Check local zoning laws where the house is and network with people in the community to spread word about your house.

I hope this helps get you started and good luck with starting the house!

Question: If I felt like bugs were crawling beneath my skin while I was in alcohol withdrawal does that mean I had the DTs? I detoxed on my own and I thought I was going to die it was absolute hell.

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. I'm sure it was a difficult experience going through alcohol withdrawal at home. The feeling you described of bugs crawling beneath your skin could have been delirium tremens or DTs. They are a severe form of alcohol withdrawal. They can include many symptoms such as hallucinations, tremors, fears, agitation and mood swings. It is dangerous to detox from alcohol without medical attention. Alcohol withdrawal is one type of withdrawal that can be fatal if not treated properly. It is possible to have a seizure which could be life threatening. Even though it sounds like you are through the withdrawal, you should get checked by a doctor. A complete check-up can discover if you have any health problems as a result of your drinking or the alcohol withdrawal itself.

If you should ever relapse and begin drinking again, I urge you to not try detoxing on your own again. Not only is it life threatening but it isn't necessary for you to experience such discomfort without help. A hospital could safely detox you and make you more comfortable than what you experienced at home.

I hope you will consider taking steps to prevent becoming dependent on alcohol again. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and counseling could help you so you don't relapse back into drinking. I'm sure you don't want to go through withdrawal again but this often isn't enough to keep an alcoholic from relapsing. Over time the pain of withdrawal will fade from your memory and it can be easy to convince yourself that it is alright to drink again. Having some kind of support system will lessen the chances of a relapse. I hope you find the support you need. Good luck with your recovery.

Question: I think my dad has alcohol brain damage but I am not sure. My father is a heavy drinker. I do not know if he is an alcoholic but he drinks about a mickey of rum every day. He is 52 and early retired on disability and he lives alone. He’s got VA care. He used to be quite socially normal but he has gotten stuck in his routines and he gets very upset when his routines are interrupted. He cannot seem to roll with any changes. He gets fixated on any small problem or deviation and he can’t let it go for hours. It is not rational. Since stuff always comes up this means he is upset about something everytime I go over to see him. The other symptom he has is he has lost his sense of humor. Why is he getting like this? If it is because of his drinking I know there is nothing I can do because he won’t stop. If it is because of something else there is probably still nothing I can do because he is so stubborn and resistant to doing anything different but I should at least try. I am really his only family that still talks to him.

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. Unfortunately unless your father sees a doctor, there is no way to know why his behavior has changed. It could be due to the alcohol or a consequence of getting older. Either way, the alcohol is not doing him any good. But you are right that you cannot change your father. If he doesn't see it as a problem, he won't get help.

If your father has a primary care physician, you can try contacting his doctor and letting the doctor know what you are observing. You can try to go with him to a doctor's appointment and discuss his symptoms with the doctor. Your father would have to consent to this or his doctor wouldn't be able to talk to you because of his HIPAA rights to privacy.

I would try to get through to your father by pointing out how unhappy he seems and how upset he gets. If you can connect to him on an emotional level, he may see the benefit of getting help. People will often want to change how they feel even if they don't want to change their behavior. Then, his doctor can show him how his behavior is affecting his feelings.

Whether your father gets help or not, you have to take care of yourself. Reassure yourself that you have done your best to help him and you cannot make him change if he does not want to. Consider going to Al-anon for support in dealing with your father's alcoholism. I wish you the best of luck and I hope your father sees what he is doing to himself.

Question: Everybody talks about getting people to quit but what I need information on his helping a person that doesn’t want to quit stay as healthy as possible. My partner is a 46 year old unrepentant heavy drinker who does not deny that he drinks too much and who has no intention of stopping. I am worried that he will die young but if I make any small comments about his drinking then he gets very angry and to be fair he was clear about not wanting to change from the start of our relationship. What can I do to help him reduce the damage that alcohol does to his liver and body? For example he had this habit of taking Tylenol at night every night to prevent hangovers and I got him to stop this to protect his liver. Are there any other diet or lifestyle steps he can take that don’t involve him drinking less but that will help him stay healthier?

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. You are right to realize you cannot make a person quit drinking. Your partner would have to decide to stop. From your letter, it is clear your partner has no intention of quitting. There are somethings your partner can do to help minimize the damage from alcohol. However, your partner has to be willing to do them.

Any of the normal things a healthy non-drinker would do to stay healthier may help your partner live a little longer. This means drinking lots of water, having a healthy diet with proper nutrition, exercising, seeing a doctor for regular check-ups, and good dental hygiene. In addition, taking a multivitamin with folic acid may help. I included a link which explains why folic acid is important. If your partner is not willing to stop drinking, perhaps taking a day off from drinking on a regular basis like once a week would help his body heal from the excess of alcohol. 

Another way you can help is to get support for the effect your partner's drinking has on you. Al-anon meetings can provide support for you and help you learn how to not enable your partner. Enabling is when you help a person continue an addiction, even if the help is unintentional. Examples of enabling include paying billings, giving the person money, calling them off work, etc. Enabling your partner will only make the drinking worse. People in the grips of an addiction need to experience the consequences of their addiction so they get to a point where they want to quit.

I hope this helps answer your question. Good luck.

Question: I have a drinking problem that I have never been able to control and I have been to AA meetings before. I do not always drink but when I do I drink for days and it gets bad. I was in a car accident and I got some Vicodin for back pain and I noticed that when I took Vicodin I had no desire to drink and I also never had a real desire to try to get stoned and take too much of the Vicodin. I have never been into opiates. I do not take this medication every day but now when I feel a strong need to drink I just take 2 or 3 pills over a night and I can go to bars or anywhere with my friends and have no problem sticking with sprite all night. So far I have done this 4 times and I have not been drunk in 3 and a half weeks which is looong for me. If I am strict with myself and only take this medication no more than once or twice a week when I really need to drink will I get addicted physically? I think that once I can get out of a drinking habit for a few months or maybe even for a year I just won’t feel the need to drink so much anymore.

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. While it may seem like Vicodin is helping you control your alcohol problem, this is only an illusion. Addiction is a tricky disease and can sometimes fool the addict into thinking that they can substitute one drug for another without consequences. You may have stopped drinking but now you are taking a powerful and more addicting drug. Opiates are highly addictive. You may be able to take them once or twice a week now but in time you will find this no longer works. Your body will quickly develop a tolerance to opiates. Tolerance means you need to take more and more of the drug to get the same effects. Right now, you are taking 2 or 3 pills to curb your desire to drink. Within a few weeks, you may need to take 5 or 6 to get the same results. Then, you may need to take 10 or 12. It will keep increasing. What started out as once or twice a week will increase until you are taking them everyday. This is how addiction happens. Tolerance increases so the person increases the amount of the drug they take until they are addicted. Once you are addicted, you will have to take them everyday to prevent withdrawal symptoms.

You cannot successfully treat one addiction with another. I urge you to stop taking Vicodin before you become addicted to them. You need treatment for your alcohol problem. This means returning to Alcoholics Anonymous. If AA didn't work for you before, ask yourself what part of the program you weren't doing. Were you going to daily meetings? Did you do 90 meetings in 90 days? Did you have a home group and a sponsor? Were you working the 12 Steps? Sometimes AA doesn't work because the alcoholic doesn't take part in the whole program and only goes to an occasional meeting. Addiction is a difficult disease. It takes a lot of work to get better.

I hope this answers your question and you get treatment for your addiction.

Question: Do I have to put money in the pot at AA meetings? If I don’t have money I don’t go because I am ashamed.

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. Please do not miss a meeting because you don't have money to donate! It is only a donation not a requirement. Believe me, everyone understands not everyone can afford to donate each time they go to a meeting. It is not something to be ashamed of. Meetings are free. If you keep going to them, your life will improve. When it does and you can afford to donate later, do it then. Until then, get the most you can from each meeting and forget about the basket. I wish you good luck and I hope you will continue to attend meetings.

Question: Hi Anna, I'm separated from my AH he has spiraled out of control he was trying to get home then I found out he had been sleeping about and texting loads of o/w that was why I asked him to leave in dec 12 i found a woman's number on his phone that he's been using for 18 months but still denies a affair. H e sais he doesn't love me and won't be coming back but he was trying to get back in July and then I found out about this sleazy life also he has been taking cocaine. He also has nothing to do with our son who is 14. He knows my son knows about the other women and my son was disgusted and ignored a couple of texes from him. We never hear from him he doesn't contact us, its me who contacts him and I am very angry most of the time we were together for 25 years. Should | stop the contact and let him just get on with his life? Is he in full blown alcoholism now? He has been drinking for 9 month solid possibly 5-6 days a week he is loosing everything but won't admit a problem or seek help. He is also very sleazy sexually something that he wasn't before what has caused this? I have lost the love of my life to alcohol? Can you please advise should I cut all contact and let him live his life? very hard to watch someone kill themselves that you love. Thanks. Tracy

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question, Tracy. I try to stay away from giving advice so I won't tell you whether you should contact your husband or not. What I can tell you is that he seems to have all the signs of alcoholism and addiction from what you have told me. You said he is drinking 5 to 6 days a week, using cocaine, avoiding his son and losing everything. He is also involved in other self-destructive behavior like sleeping around. He probably doesn't want to talk to you or his son because he is ashamed of his behavior but can't stop. An alcoholic/addict has to want to get better. They have to admit they have a problem which you stated he refuses to do. The most you can do is let him know of treatment facilities in your area. You can't make him change his behavior. He has to want to change. He has to get to the point where he realizes his life would be better if he got help. When he is realizes that he has a problem and his life would be better sober, he will ask for help. Until then, there isn't much you can do for him.

As far as your son, he is old enough to understand what is going on. You can talk to him about his feelings about his father's behavior. He seems to have already decided he doesn't want contact from his father. I think your son sent a clear message of that by ignoring his father's texts. And if his father doesn't want to contact your son, there isn't anything you can do about it.

I know it is difficult to see your husband ruining his life. I suggest that you try going to Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon meetings will help you and your son have the support and guidance you need. Your son can even go to these meetings and they have meetings for teens called Alateen. I hope this helps answer your question.

Question: The prices of rehabs can be extraordinary. Please consider this alternative idea. If a rehab could cost 20 000 dollars for just 28 days. What if a person was given a chance to earn that money for themselves just by staying sober and by using self help groups that are free. For example think about this. Imagine I said to a person I will give you 1000 dollars a month to not drink alcohol and to go to one AA meeting every day and one counseling session every week. You must wear an alcohol monitoring anklet so I know that you are not cheating. You do not get the money at the end of each month. Instead it piles up. If you can make it for 20 months you get the whole 20 000 dollars. If you drink you have to start at the beginning again. This way I am only paying for a program that gets me 20 months of abstinence. This is more than any rehab can guarantee and it gives the person a real incentive to stay sober. I would like to consider suggesting a plan such as this to my daughter. Is it reasonable?

Anna Deeds Says...:

Thank you for your question. While incentive programs have been known to be effective with alcoholics and addicts, the incentives have always been small. I think using a plan like you devised could back fire on you. Think about what you are teaching her. By getting money for staying sober, she would be externally motivated to sobriety. When you remove the external motivation at the end of twenty months, what would motivate her then? Alcoholics or addicts that find internal motivation seem more likely to continue sobriety because the motivation comes from within. It's something that they can always access, anytime they want. But when you are motivated by something external, when the external motivation is removed, what do you have to fall back on?

It also seems to me that this would be teaching her that money is a reward. It teaches her that money is more important than internal mechanisms for change. It teaches her to place more value on things, what she can get in life and material possessions. In my experience, the happiest people are the ones who don't care much about money and place higher value on being a good person, caring for others, loving themselves and other things that once again are internal not external. 

There's also the chance that she could agree to your plan just for the money and still find a way to "cheat." You may be monitoring her for alcohol but she could end up turning to drugs. Even if you drug test her, there are plenty of drugs that don't show up on drug tests. Addicts are very sneaky and will find a way to get the "high" they want no matter what you do. I worked in a methadone clinic for years. There were lots of clients that you could clearly see were intoxicated but they passed drug tests so I know there are ways around any test out there.

I commend you for trying to help your daughter but I don't think this is the way to go about it. I think she would be better off in a treatment program. There are lots of treatment programs out there that don't cost anything too. I think a commitment to long term treatment is the best option for anyone struggling with addiction.