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Your partner's in recovery... now what? Tips on rebuilding a relationship while making your own needs a priority: building trust - one day at a time, setting measurable goals to work toward, taking care of yourself... rather than your partner.

While sobriety is a major milestone it is only the beginning of building a better life.

Sobriety isn't a magic answer to all your problems - it only offers you the opportunity to stop making things worse. A person in early recovery often feels like things keep getting worse, but in truth, abstinence just lets you see clearly what a wreckage your life has become.

Fortunately, it also gives you an opportunity to start making it better.

Rebuilding Takes TIME!

Recovery is a process of transformation in which we seek to become something greater, healthier, and happier than we’ve ever been. Unfortunately, for as many years as it has taken folks to get into recovery, they’d like to make up for lost time and be all better by next week.

As my friends in AA say, “Time takes time. “ Very few good things happen in a hurry and healing always takes longer than we’d like.

The pitfalls for the affected other (people affected by a loved one's drinking or drugging) are many. Some of us try to convince ourselves that things will be fine now that our loved one is sober. We want to believe that sobriety is once and for all. We hope that being clean will return them to the person we once knew.

Setting Goals and Making Progress

People in early recovery often tell me that they want to get back to where they were. I point out that where they were is where they were just before everything went progressively toward hell!

So we come to accept that going back is not an option and that building new relationships with new boundaries and clear expectations is key.

• I encourage both the recovering addict and affected others to set reasonable goals and expectations. It’s important to define growth and success clearly and overtly. In the absence of distinct goals and milestones, “getting better” remains a vague and incredibly difficult vision to achieve.

Rebuilding Not Resurrecting

While their external behavior may be very different, folks in early recovery have the same character flaws they had when they were using. They are generally impulsive, impatient, and very moody. As affected others we must be careful to avoid climbing aboard this emotional roller coaster and compensating for their deficits.

Remember your own needs:

• It is we too who are changing. Hopefully we develop the resolve to be true to ourselves independent of what our loved ones choose. We are free to have limitations, needs, wants and feelings and we are free to express them.
• We have the right to not walk on eggshells and to overcome our fears of holding our loved ones accountable.

In couples and family counseling I am often asked, “What do I have to be careful not to do or say? I don’t want to push them back to drinking/drugging.” I’m quick to point out that affected others are not that powerful and that accountability doesn’t work that way.

The ONLY person who is responsible for drinking/drugging is the addict themselves.

Rebuilding Trust (One Day at a Time)

In addictions counseling I frequently hear outrage that, “My partner still doesn’t trust me!” I ask how long they were active in addiction? They usually respond with a high number of years. I ask how long they’ve been sober? They explain a few months. I raise an eyebrow at the contrast and they usually get it.

Our recovering loved ones have the same fear we do – that they will return to using/drinking. The difference is that they have 100% control over whether they stay sober and we have none. Worse still, there’s no guarantee of sobriety beyond today.

Building Trust - One Day at a Time

• Addicts & affected others alike tend to view trust as this all or nothing, once and for always thing. Making this kind of commitment again is terrifying. It needn’t be this way. Just as the person in recovery is free to make only 24 hours of commitment to sobriety, so too can we make our commitments one day at a time.
• Trust is earned through consistent integrity. We’re looking to see that we can depend on our partners to do what they say they will. We are also mindful that sooner or later we must deal with everything that was swept under the rug. It’s hard to imagine mustering the courage to try again after failing so many times in the past.

Courage is not the absence of fear. It’s the choice to refuse to allow fear to stop you. We want to love again, but how are we to love others when we remain ambivalent or worse toward ourselves?

Self Care Is Key

There’s a world of difference between caring for and taking care of. As affected others we are brilliant in our ability to be caregivers to everyone but ourselves. That simply must change. Ideally, our loved ones get sober for themselves not for us (if they’re doing it for us they will resent us later and their sobriety will be tenuous). What then shall we do for ourselves?

We need conviction, commitment, and support; these make life manageable:

1. We develop conviction that we will be responsible for identifying our own needs and ensuring that they are met.
2. We make meaningful commitments to our daily self care and make consistent choices to invest in our well-being.
3. We need the encouragement and support of friends and family. We too have the opportunity to experience transformation.

I urge affected others to avail themselves of the wealth of good literature and support accessible through 12 step programs like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics and others.

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As difficult as it is to love someone in the spiral of addiction, adjusting to life with a person in recovery is no small task either. Many of us found we lost ourselves while loving an addict/alcoholic. Now we start our own journey - one in which we focus on self.

Having a partner or spouse enter into recovery from addiction is one of the biggest changes a couple can go through. For the non-addicted it generally involves a mixture of relief, hope, a lot of conflicting emotions and a ton of fear.

We expect that they’ll come to see what we’ve seen all along – that their drug of choice was ruining not only their lives but ours as well. Many of us became so involved in their needs that we lost sight of our own. Regardless of where our loved ones are in their journey, it’s important that we take stock too.

How Are “Affected Others” Affected?

Clinicians refer to those impacted by another person’s addictions as “affected others.” This is a hopelessly generic and sterile bit of language that unwittingly minimizes the experience of we who bear witness to the spiral of addiction. Our experiences are diverse and deeply personal. Some of us felt responsible and others outraged.

We experienced the progressive loss of the person we loved. In the throes of addiction our partners became progressively unavailable to us.

• We may have shouldered additional responsibilities
• We may have been burdened with severe stress emotionally, financially, occupationally, and relationally
  
• Many of us lived in fear for what seemed an eternity

We worked to maintain some sense of order – some type of manageable status quo. Now everything is different and we find ourselves struggling to adjust.

We know how to stand in the middle of a storm and create order but aren’t sure what to do when everything is okay. We know to protect those we love…and then we learn that we may have done them a disservice in so doing.

Owning Our Part in Things

To start with, we need to accept that though we too made mistakes, we did the best we could at the time.

• We come to understand that protecting an adult from the natural consequences of their actions is to “enable.” Many of us unwittingly facilitated or assisted in the downward spiral of addiction by compensating for the insanity our loved ones created. We gave them a soft place to land. We nursed them back to health. We lied/covered for them. Enabling almost always feels like the right thing to do. In fact, it usually feels like the only choice.

Many of us felt a sense of betrayal in learning that our sacrifices hurt instead of helped. As a clinician I find that most things about addiction are counterintuitive and I urge folks to be proud of their positive intentions. Beating ourselves up is unhealthy and guilt creates obstacles to change.

“I did then what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” – Maya Angelou

Overcoming Self-Doubt and Embracing Uncertainty

Affected others tend to have many common traits/characteristics. Perhaps the most notable of these is that we struggle endlessly with self doubt.

This is not especially surprising, because many of us had our doubts preyed upon. We were told our concerns were unwarranted, our fears unfounded, or that it was we who had a problem for suggesting there was something wrong.

However, because we doubt, we tend to cope in unhealthy ways:

• We often stuff our feelings and thus develop resentments (repressed emotions, most notably pain and anger)
• Now that our loved ones are entering recovery, many of us resent that what they would not hear from us; they gladly receive from complete strangers. We feel unheard.

For both the addicts and we who love them, one of the most important and difficult lessons to accept is powerlessness.

1. Those in recovery move (often slowly) toward acceptance that their lives cannot be manageable if they continue to drink or drug.
2. Those affected by addiction must also learn to accept this lack of control.
   

Getting into the Solution

Moving forward, there are a plethora of unknowns:

• Will our loved one stay clean/sober? Will we stay or go? ...There’s rarely a clear course of action.
  

But if we can learn to overcome self doubt, reduce unhealthy coping strategies and accept our powerlessness over addiction, we get to be on the same page with ourselves, and this makes life vastly more manageable.

Some strategies to adopt as you strive to cope with the relational challenges of the early recovery period are:

1. Mindfulness
2. Journaling
3. Depersonalizing
4. Accepting Powerlessness
   

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the key to all changes in self. Mindfulness simply means paying attention to our thoughts and feelings and ensuring that our actions are consciously chosen.

• What we do automatically is often self limiting. What we do deliberately can be liberating.

When we notice self doubt we have the opportunity to ask ourselves, “Do I truly doubt this or am I simply uncomfortable with how I feel about it?” We sometimes go searching for answers that do not exist because we want a course of action that won’t hurt anyone and/or makes everyone happy. If we are painstakingly honest with ourselves we know the truth regardless of what it feels like and are free to act upon it.

Journaling

Journaling, depersonalizing, and processing with close friends are excellent strategies to identify and cope with our feelings in healthy ways. Journaling literally helps us get “on the same page” with ourselves, which makes it far easier to share our needs and share them with others.

Depersonalization

To depersonalize is simply to imagine someone we care about in a similar situation. Because we have great empathy for others, we tend to understand what they feel and we generally have a sense of what would be helpful to them in dealing with it. We’re free to do this for ourselves and we are free to overcome our fears of vulnerability and allow close friends to actively support us.

Accepting Powerlessness

Powerlessness is the lesson that must be at the forefront of our consciousness moving forward. For as much as we rail against it, there are an infinite number of people, places, and things that we simply cannot be in charge of. For the affected other, much of our stress comes from attempting to control a person who is out of control. In the short term, we use simple tools like the Serenity Prayer to separate what we can do from what we cannot in order to maintain a healthy perspective.

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Why do older people become addicts? What drugs are they likely to abuse? What to do if you suspect your beloved senior citizen relative is using drugs.

We don't often think of the elderly as becoming addicted to drugs. Why would somebody start a habit like that after living more than 70 years? Sure there are older people who have been abusing substances for many years, but it is hard to imagine grandma drinking herself to sleep every night after she has been the scion of the family for so many years.

But it happens. More often than we like to believe. So it becomes a hidden and potentially very serious problem. Anybody who loves an older person should know more about this problem.

What Substances Do the Elderly Abuse?

The oldest baby boomers are now 67 years old. They were the kids of the 60's who began the modern drug culture. The generation before that had alcohol as a respectable recreational drug. Most of the people over 70 years old who get caught in the web of addiction will use either alcohol or prescription drugs. It has been estimated that 10% of the women over 65 and 20% of the men over 65 drink more than is considered healthy.

People who grew up in the 30's and 40's were taught that alcohol and cigarettes were sexy. If you watch the movies from those years, you'll see what I mean. Think of Dean Martin of the "rat pack" fame. (OK, if you are unfamiliar, google it.) There was nothing wrong with having a martini before dinner, a few glasses of wine with dinner, and a "nightcap" before going to bed.

The Influence of Depression and Loneliness

But when you get in your 70's and beyond, life changes. Friends begin to disappear. There might be more loneliness, boredom and depression. In fact, depression is more common in the elderly than any other age group. There might be stresses of chronic pain. That might be physical pain, but it could also be psychological pain, such as when children live far away and do not keep in contact.

One big problem is that many elderly people now live on their own so the usage is easily undetected. Wanting to maintain independence, the older person will hide or not share their difficulties with the people they are close to. Other elderly have no problem sharing their pains, but can be viewed as constant complainers and consequently have their complaints ignored. It is difficult for loved ones to see past these obstacles.

Prescription Drugs and Medication Interactions

Older people often need to take other medications. This can contribute to the abuse of prescribed drugs, but it can also cause alcohol to be a problem. Many medicines interact with alcohol and make the effects of alcohol stronger. As people get older many become lax with their prescriptions, sometimes taking them, sometimes not. Or sometimes renewing the prescriptions, and sometimes just using what has been in the house for years. If the prescriptions are not working (because they are not being taken properly or not at all) it is more likely that he or she will turn to self-medication with alcohol.

Excessive alcohol use is not good for anyone, but it can be extremely dangerous for the elderly. Alcohol greatly increases the chance of stroke, dementia and other maladies. While it is true that some alcohol related dementia can be reversible after at least two months of complete sobriety, the brain damage from a stroke is less likely to be repaired. Also, falls are more dangerous for the elderly, and they are more likely to happen when inebriated.

How to Intervene - What to Look For

First, do not dismiss the possibility that grandma or grandpa have a drinking or drug problem. It might be unlikely, but it could happen. It even happens to the most unlikely people. And if it does the risks are great.

If your loved one is taking other medications on a regular basis, discuss whether or not there should be any drinking at all. Or even if there should be alcohol in the house. If it seems OK, talk about limiting the intake. It would be better if the drink is slowly sipped and always after a meal.

Warning Signs

• Be on the lookout for changes in sleeping patterns. These are usually brushed off since it is common for the elderly to have different sleep habits. Although healthy older adults sleep less, you should expect normal patterns.
• Look for changes in appetite, or complaints of nausea or vomiting. These can be easily caused by substance abuse.
• Frequent and unexplained falls are an important red flag. Even if it is not because of substance abuse it is a problem. But the possibility of substance abuse needs to be looked into right away. One explanation that might be heard is that there is just less strength so there are more falls. Well, the lack of strength can be from the use of a substance.

Intervening

• If you suspect something, first talk to your loved one. If there is a problem and you are lucky he or she will admit to it and you can look for help. More often, like addicts of other ages, there will be denial. Check the fridge. I have seen and heard many stories of water bottles filled with vodka and apple juice bottles filled with whiskey.
• Talk about the other medications. Check to see if the prescriptions are up to date. If mom or dad don't want to show you, you might have to check when they are not watching. I know it seems inappropriate to snoop in mom and dad's medicine cabinet, but you are doing it to save their lives. If you find that things are not quite right offer to do some medication monitoring. Offer to make sure the prescriptions are up to date. If you see some medicine that has an alcohol warning, talk about it.
• Don't be embarrassed to talk to their physician. Sometimes, especially with the pre-baby boomer population, the doctor is the trusted professional that is most likely to be listened to. Explain your concern. Mention the signs that you noticed and why you think there might be a problem. Tell the doctor that you want him or her to talk to your loved one about this.

Most importantly, do not give up. There is no reason for an 70, 80, 90 year old (or more) to suffer with an addiction problem.

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Do you worry about a loved-one’s drinking? Are you curious about AL Anon but not sure if it’s a good fit for you? Read on to learn a bit more about the benefits of Al Anon family meetings and find a selection of quotes that really encapsulate the wisdom of this 12 step program.

You can’t choose your family and you can’t ignore real love - which is all very good news for the struggling alcoholics and drug addicts of the world, because there’s no denying that living with an addict can be heartbreaking…and a real pain in the behind.

This is why so many family members find the support of Al Anon meetings so helpful, and the wisdom and experience of the group so authentic, hard earned and truthful.

Does someone you love abuse drugs or alcohol? Does this substance abuse dominate the family dynamic, cause tension and discord and have you behaving in ways you never imagined you would?

Well, if so, you owe it to yourself to at least give Al Anon a try, because as they say to newcomers, “Try Al-Anon for six meetings.  If you are not 100% satisfied, we'll gladly refund your misery!”¹

The three main reasons why people go to Al Anon meetings are:

1. To learn more about the disease of alcoholism and to dig into how alcoholism in the family has affected your own physical and mental health
2. To gain friendship, emotional support and wisdom from other people going through some very similar familial trials
3. To improve yourself – by working the 12 steps for yourself you can change the way you think and act in your dealings with others²

If you’re not sure if it’s right for you, spend a minute with the following quotes to get a taste for the kind of thinking you’ll find at a meeting near you. If what you read makes sense on at least some level, then you might as well give a meeting a try.

Al Anon Quotes and Wisdom

• Alcoholism: You didn't CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it, and You can't CURE it!
• You Can Control Yourself, You Can Change Yourself, You Can Cure Yourself³
• Anger can be constructive in telling me that someone else is stepping on some boundaries that I need to enforce.
• I am not responsible for other people’s happiness.
• My Happiness is My Responsibility
• I cannot give other people the status of my Higher Power
• I want to be able to respond, not react.
• The difference between pity and compassion – pity elevates me, compassion is empathy for another’s humanness.
• Pain is something that comes and goes, suffering is something we hold on to.
• When I blame someone else for something, I give up my power to them.
• What you think of me is none of my business.
• Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it.⁴
  
• Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.⁵
  
• I didn't cause it, but if I recognize that I may have contributed to it, then I need to own that part: only that part!⁶
• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day…Tomorrow's not looking good either!
• Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth⁷

Is Al Anon Right for You?

Well, you won’t know for sure unless you give a meeting a try, but according to Al Anon’s publication literature, people who may find meetings helpful include:

1. People who grew up with a problem drinker in the family
2. People who are currently troubled by someone’s drinking

Some signs that a loved one’s drinking negatively affects you (and that you might find a meeting helpful) include

• You lie about or cover up for a loved one’s drinking
• You worry about the drinking
• Drinking in the family causes money problems
• You blame your loved one’s friends for the drinking
• You’ve made threats to end a relationship unless the drinking stops
• You secretly try to see if your loved one has been drinking, such as by smelling his or her breath
• You often have to change or cancel plans because of the drinking
• You sometimes search for hidden alcohol
• You worry about upsetting your loved one lest you set off his or her drinking
• Drinking sometimes spoils holidays or family get-togethers
• You sometimes get in a car with a loved-one who has been drinking
• Sometimes you turn down social invitations because you’re worried about what might happen if you attended⁸

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You're no good to anyone if you break down. You need to get support, get educated and learn what you can do, and what you can never change. Al-Anon can help.

Watching a loved one destroy themselves with drugs or alcohol can devastate, and although you don’t drink or drug, you suffer greatly as a spectator; and also suffer through the negative behaviors of the abuser.

You need to ensure that your health and well being are well cared for, and you are little help to anyone if you fall apart from the stress of it all. An organization with a long history of support for the families of alcoholics and drug addicts is al anon.

Al-Anon is an organization that treats the concerns of family living with an actively using addict or alcoholics. Al-Anon teaches what can and cannot be done to influence changes in drug seeking behaviors, and teaches family strategies that can both help an addict or alcoholic concede to treatment, and also allow you to live a happier and less worried life, even if your loved one doesn't stop using.

They can be a fantastic resource of education, of support and of comfort, and you can find an Al-Anon meeting anywhere in the nation.

Go to the Al-Anon Website.

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Enabling refers to any behaviors on your part that make it easier for the addict or alcoholic to continue abusing without facing the true consequences of their drinking or drug usage. It's easy and natural to enable, and we do it because we care and want to protect our loved ones; but to really offer love and care, the best thing anyone can do is to stop all enabling behaviors, and let the addict face the consequences of their own behaviors. It's tough to do, but it's one of the best ways to help someone you love who abuses drugs or alcohol.

It can be very hard to live with an addict, and in addition to your concern for that person, you often end up making up for their deficiencies through superhuman efforts of your own. The money gets spent on beer, so you have to get a second job, the drivers license is revoked, so you become a chauffeur, He's passed out in the lawn, so you 're up in the middle of the night dragging him into bed…if only so the neighbors don’t see.

It's far too easy to enable the behaviors of an alcoholic or drug addict, but one of the most caring things that family can do for an alcoholic is to stop enabling, have the consequences of their intoxicated behaviors fall onto their own shoulders, and see if this alone may not just be enough to get the addict to seek help.

Enabling refers to any behavior on your part that makes it easier for the addict to continue to abuse. If your husband is too hungover to get to work and you call in sick for him, then you have enabled his drinking and he is not left to face the consequences of his actions. If your wife is arrested for drunk driving, and you rush down to bail her out of jail, you again are not allowing her to face the consequences of her own behavior, and are making it easier for her to continue with drinking.

We all enable because we care, and out a desire to protect a loved one with a substance abuse problem, but sometimes tough love is the best love, and it’s the only kind of love that has any chance of getting the abuser to change his or her behavior.

 Here are some tips on how to stop enabling:

• Don't lend money.
• Don't make excuses for the addict or for their behavior…to anyone, not even yourself.
• Don't compensate for an addict's failings with your own superhuman efforts, i.e. His car payments are his responsibility.
• Set some limits for your actions and behaviors, be clear as to those limits, and stay firm when he or she tries to change your behaviors. (When she is drunk, she doesn't get to see the kids…no exceptions).
• Do not fight with the addict over their behaviors.

These are all very hard things to do, and it goes against our impulses to "do nothing" when our heart is screaming at us to "do something!"; but by doing nothing we are in fact doing as much as we possibly can, and this is the only way we have any power of influence over the alcoholic or drug abuser.

More information and strategies against enabling can be had at any family addiction peer support organization, or through the services of a professional addictions councilor.

Does your mom or dad drink too much?

They might be alcoholics, and if they are, they have a disease which compels them to drink even though it harms them (and likely you) and without treatment, they are unlikely to stop.

There are an estimated 8 million alcoholics in the US, and many millions more with alcohol abuse problems, and tens of millions of children and teens growing up in households affected by alcohol.

If you think your mom or dad drinks too much, but you're not sure if they're an alcoholic or not, take this quick quiz, answer honestly, and find out.

Children of Alcoholics Screening Test (CAST)¹

• Have you ever thought that one of your parents had a drinking problem?
• Have you ever lost sleep because of a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever encourage one of your parents to quit drinking?
• Did you ever feel alone, scared, nervous, angry or frustrated because a parent was not able to stop drinking?
• Did you ever argue or fight was a parent when he or she was drinking?
• Did you ever threaten to run away from home because of a parent's drinking?
• Has a parent ever yelled at or hit you or other family members when drinking?
• Have you ever heard your parents fight when one of them was drunk?
• Did you ever protect another family member from a parent who was drinking?
• Did you ever feel like hiding or emptying a parent's bottle of liquor?
• Do many of your thoughts revolve around a problem drinking parent or difficulties that arise because of his or her drinking?
• Did you ever wish that a parent would stop drinking?
• Did you ever feel responsible for or guilty about a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever fear that your parents would get divorced due to alcohol misuse?
• Have you ever withdrawn from and avoided outside activities and friends because of embarrassment and shame over a parent's drinking problem?
• Did you ever feel caught in the middle of an argument or fight between a problem drinking parent and your other parent?
• Did you ever feel that you made a parent drink alcohol?
• Have you ever that a problem drinking parent did not really love you?
• Did you ever resent a parent's drinking?
• Have you ever worried about a parent's health because of his or her alcohol use?
• Have you ever been blamed for a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever think your father was an alcoholic?
• Did you ever wish you home could be more like the homes of your friends who did not have a parent with a drinking problem?
• Did a parent ever make promises to you that he or she did not keep because of drinking?
• Did you ever think your mother was an alcoholic?
• Did you ever wish that you could talk to someone who could understand and help the alcohol-related problems in your family?
• Did you ever fight with your brothers and sisters about a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever stay away from home to avoid the drinking parent or your other parent's reaction to the drinking?
• Have you ever felt sick, cried, or had a "knot" in your stomach after worrying about a parent's drinking?
• Did you ever take over any chores and duties at home that were usually done by a parent before he or she developed a drinking problem?

0-1 "yes" answers means that your parent is likely not an alcoholic.

2-5 "yes" answers means that your mom or dad might be an alcoholic

6 or more "yes" answers means that your mom or dad is probably an alcoholic.

This test, developed by two social workers has been heavily tested and widely used, and found very accurate in the diagnosis of alcohol problems in the family.

If after taking this test, your score indicates that your mom or dad is an alcoholic:

• Know that they have a disease
• Know that it's OK to talk about it with anyone you trust
• Know that you didn’t cause the problem, and even though you may feel that you "make them drink" they would drink no matter what you do.
• Know that you cannot cure their disease, they must cure their disease.
• Know that millions of teens grow up in homes with one or more alcoholic parents, and that teen support groups such as ALATEEN, can help.
• Know that if one or more parents has a problem with alcohol, you run a risk of having a problem with alcohol – but that if you don’t drink, you will never experience any alcohol related difficulties. You will need to be careful!

There are no easy answers – no quick cures. A lot of teens feel shame over the actions of an alcoholic parent, and instead of talking about their feelings -getting some support-they cover-up for the behaviors of a drunk parent, and strive always to maintain the "family secret".

You don’t have to get through this alone, and whether or not your mom or dad is ready to admit to a problem, you know there's a problem, your feelings are valid and important, and you need support too. Never keep it a secret, never keep it all inside. Talk to trusted friends, a trusted teacher or counselor, or to anyone else who you feel comfortable confiding in.

Talking it out helps, it can help a lot, and it can ensure that although you may grow up in tough circumstances, you grow up healthy and strong.

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Addiction is a chronic disease with periods of active use and remission; and it’s also a personal disease which has whole family repercussions. If a person you love struggles with addiction, it is likely that you will experience periods in life during which your loved one struggles with alcohol or drug use. Here are 12 tips for keeping your family life as healthy and happy as possible during these times of use.

Anyone who lives with an alcoholic or drug addicted person knows just how much the disease affects the workings and happiness of the family, and though it would be best if your loved one could achieve permanent remission, this isn’t often the way it goes.

Therefore, if you have decided that you wish to continue living with a person struggling with addition, you would be wise to learn how to minimize the disease’s negative influence on the family as you also create a family dynamic that supports everyone in the family - including the addicted person. Ideally, in doing so, you will also create a dynamic within the family which gently encourages positive change instead of one which reinforces negative and harmful behaviors.

So, from the experts at The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration (SAMHSA), here are 12 tips for living as healthily and happily as possible in a home you share with an alcohol or drug addicted person.

12 Tips for Happy and Healthy Living with an Alcohol or Drug Addicted Person

1. Do not let negativity rule. Do not attempt to change your loved one’s behaviors through nagging, threats, punishments or other forms of coercion. The odds of success are very low and it’s not very healthy or pleasant for anyone in the family to live in a household dominated by such negativity.
   
2. Don’t make it about you either. Getting emotional and acting out as the victim may help your loved one to feel more guilt, but it probably won’t help them change their behavior.
   
3. Do not take on the burden for yourself. You did not cause anyone to become an alcoholic or drug addicted person so you should not feel guilt or responsibility for the disease of another person. Losing misplaced guilt helps you to focus your energies on what’s true and on what can help to make things better
   
4. Get support and advice from al-anon, from a therapist or from a self help group of others in similar situations. Inform your addicted loved one of what you are doing to get support and why you need it.
5. Talk about the drug or alcohol use normally and openly. Don’t get emotional but don’t try to hide the facts either as you talk to others in your family, including the substance abuser, about the reality and consequences of the behaviors.
   
6. Using age appropriate language and concepts, explain alcoholism and addiction to children. They need to know that addiction is a disease and that though it can be difficult, it is not shameful and does not need to be hidden.
   
7. Try to maintain a healthy and happy home, whether or not a loved one is drinking or using drugs, and try to include your loved one in family activities as you would any other member of the family.
   
8. Don’t worry about hiding the evidence. If there are 20 bottles of wine in the recycling box out front then that’s how many there are and it wasn’t you who drank them.
   
9. Don’t worry about cleaning up anyone's messes. You don’t want to enable substance abuse behaviors so you’re much better off not covering for a hung-over spouse or helping a hard-partying high school kid get his assignments done. It is important that all people experience the true consequences of their actions, otherwise, how can any of us learn to change for the better?
10. Try not to have important discussions or arguments with a person who is drunk or high. They are a waste of energy and can be needlessly volatile.
    
11. Don’t try to keep up with them. If they drink too much you won’t become closer or better as a family if you try to drink a bit more too; it just doesn’t work that way.
12. Encourage your loved one to engage in interests and hobbies that aren’t associated with the use of alcohol or drugs.
    

Nothing groundbreaking, but these above are 12 very sensible rules that make a very difficult situation – living with an alcoholic or a drug user – as healthy as possible and which create a family dynamic which moves away from needless and non constructive  conflict and towards meaningful change for the better.

Image Copyright: Rogatien

Although many addicts who hit rock bottom and endure financial ruin, the dissolution of family and the end of careers, do ultimately seek out help...there is no need to wait for addiction to progress as far as this. No one needs to hit rock bottom and the earlier intervention and treatment ensues, the better the ultimate prognosis.

An addiction to drugs or alcohol can fragment previously happy families, derail promising careers, and seriously damage health and well being; and left unchecked, addictions inevitably run their full course of destruction. There's a truism that people need to hit rock bottom before they can really see what a mess they've made of things, and really get motivated to seek and benefit from needed drug or alcohol treatment.

Unfortunately, what's perceived to be true and necessary is not so, and people can benefit from intervention and therapy at any stage in the progression of addiction, and generally, the earlier drug treatment is sought, the easier the transition back to sobriety, and the better the ultimate prognosis of recovery.

People do not need to admit to a problem to benefit from therapies and treatment, and if you can ever convince someone needing help to get it, their wall of denial may come crashing down under during the scrutiny of individual and peer group therapies.

The best time to initiate an intervention is as soon as substance use threatens to become abuse, and well before an addition has taken hold. People should express their concerns or arrange informal and brief professional interventions as early as possible, using abuse prevention as a much easier and preferable way to manage substance use and abuse behaviors, before the problem becomes too severe.

If you hold concerns about the use behaviors of a loved one…those concerns are very likely justified. Not everyone one who flirts with heavy use and abuse consumptions will become dependent, and some may simply walk away unharmed from the abyss of dependency; but because so many unwittingly slide into addiction and heartache, early intervention is the best kind of kindness, and whether ultimately needed or not, can do no harm and may do a world of good.

Sometimes a 20 minute conversation of concern can spark a needed change in behavior, and new and not yet severe dependencies may respond well to minimally intrusive outpatient therapies, avoiding the expense and disruption of residential care.

No one needs to suffer the pains of hitting rock bottom, and to watch someone proceed through destruction without intervening certainly does nothing to assist them in their battles.

The earlier the better…drug treatment and intervention before the inevitable heartbreak of addiction.

Image Copyright: Ben Haldenby

Intoxication leads to a great deal of family violence...violence against children, spouses and the elderly. Find out what you can and can't do to help, and learn how to stay safe.

What can you do when alcohol or drugs cause family violence?

Alcohol and drug abuse causes family violence.

Not all people who abuse alcohol or drugs will become violent, but statistically, family abusers are far more likely to also abuse drugs or alcohol, and violent abuse is far more likely to occur while the abuser is intoxicated.

In some cases, the acute effects of the high can cause aggressive, irrational and dangerous outbursts, for example, a meth addict ending a multi day binge can get paranoid, aggressive and violent. If this violence is very out of character and the addict is not otherwise aggressive or violent, then without the negative influence of drug abuse, the violence should stop.

Domestic Assault

In the case of chronic domestic violence though, although the abuser will often get violent while intoxicated, there is no evidence that the violence will stop with the end of alcohol or drug abuse. Most perpetrators of domestic violence will batter both while sober and while intoxicated. For chronic domestic assault, treatment for substance abuse issues alone will not remove the long term threat to the family, and the abuser will need to participate in additional therapy to learn how to end their violent tendencies.

Elder Abuse

Substance abuse and elder abuse, the physical, emotional or neglectful abuse of elderly relatives under the abuser's care also occurs with saddening regularity. The elderly are often targeted for violence and abuse for financial reasons, out of frustration or for no apparent reason at all. Due to their self perceived vulnerability, the elderly are far less likely to report such behaviors to the police or other authorities.

Violence Can Never be Justified

Whatever the reason and whatever the justifications given, if a loved substance abuser harms the family with violence, emotional or sexual assault, the family needs to look after itself in the interest of self preservation, and self preservation needs to come before the needs of the substance abuser.

You are no help to anyone if you are badly injured, and no matter how you may love someone, if they do you harm, they need to go, or you need to go…and the authorities need to get involved.

You cannot allow someone to terrorize you, and whatever your familial ties, there can be no excuses made for someone who would do you physical or other harms.

If you live with or feel threatened by a substance abusing family member, take steps to get safe and take them right now. If your teen son abuses you, he has to go. Call the police and have them escort him out. You still love him, you can still support his treatment, but you can no longer allow him to harm you or others in the family.

If you live with a substance abusing spouse, you need to get out before it gets worse. Get out and get safe as soon as you can, and don’t consider seeing him or her until both the violence and the substance abuse have been therapeutically addressed.

If children are at risk, get out. There is no excuse--no possible rationalization--that ever justifies the abuse of children, and you need to get them safe. Remaining in the home puts your children at risk of physical harm, of developmental delays and at risk to propagate the violence themselves as adults. There can be no tolerance for abuse to children.

If you live with adult children who abuse you, threaten you for money or emotionally terrorize you, you do not have to stay with them. Do not believe that you are better off with family. Call the police.

You may love them, worry for them and rationalize their behaviors, but once they get violent, they have to go. Call the police, learn your rights and your options, and take steps to ensure that it never happens again.

Image Copyright: Toni Blay

Although there are few things more painful than watching a loved one fall ever deeper into addiction and abuse, there is always hope, families can influence change, and people do beat addictions every day!

It's heartbreaking to watch a loved one destroy their body and mind through abuse, and we often feel as though there is nothing we can do to make things better, and not through lack of trying either.

Addictions show incredible resilience, and addicts continue their abuse even in the face of some terrible consequences. Families yell, plead and bribe, to no good effect and if losing a job, a family and even good health can't change behaviors, what hope can family hold?

Thankfully, although things can sometimes seem bleak, families do have some powerful tools to effect change, and when they provide tough, educated and loving support, they can make a difference.

Addiction is rarely intuitive, and what makes sense isn’t necessarily what works. Find out what you can do to get an addict into treatment, and what you can do during and after rehab to make sure that treatment brings sobriety, brings health and brings peace.

People recover from addictions everyday; having a loving and supportive family can make the difference.