Addictive Thinking and Enabling Have Much In Common

Feelings Associated with Enabling

By enabling a spouse, we help him continue to drink alcohol and assist him in increasing the severity of his addiction. Repeated enabling becomes the 'normal' way of dealing with the alcoholic. As the disease of alcoholic dependence progresses, the problems and conflicts that result increase, and so do the feelings of discomfort.

When we begin enabling, we often believe we are being helpful. When we find that our efforts are ineffective and the problems continue and become more pronounced, we feel frustrated, resentful, and angry. As the disease and the enabling progresses, the initial discomfort becomes intensified with feelings that can include anger, rage, hostility, sadness, and distrust. Sometimes we become totally numb rather than experience the pain, or we become overly active to avoid feelings. The focus becomes more and more centered on supporting and protecting the alcoholic and centered less on our own needs. We often feel hopeless, defeated, and depressed. This cycle of problems feeding problems continues until we seek help.

Addressing Enabling

To regain a sense of ourselves and break the cycle in which we become trapped, enablers must learn to focus on their personal rights and needs. They must allow the addicted individual to feel the consequences of their own behavior. As enablers, they should stop protecting the addict and let them begin to feel the consequences of their addiction, and maybe become very angry. At first, this can be frightening, but as we learn that we are not responsible for the addicts problems, we feel strength and pride in ourselves. We may also feel sad to see the addict having to live with the consequences of their addiction.

The self-deceptive features of addictive thinking and codependency have much in common. In both, there are often denial, rationalization,and projection. In both, contradictory ideas can co-exist, and there is fierce resistance to change others. In both, there is a delusion of control, and in both there is invariably low self-esteem. Therefore, all the features of addictive thinking are present in both and the only distinguishing feature may be the chemical use.

The Three Cs

A helpful beginning for help would be Al-Anon. It endorses the rule of the three Cs: You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. But many people do feel responsible for another's addiction, do try to control it, and do believe they can cure it.