I had a fight with someone on the bus today and I got kicked off by the driver who told me not to come back on. I used the n word at the driver. This is a big problem for me because I need that bus to get to work. This kind of thing happens to me a lot. I have a shitty internal censor and when I get angry I cant help but shout out whatever I am feeling and this leads me to say really horrible things to people. It has gotten me suspended and expelled from schools and fired from jobs and lost me the only few friends I have ever had. It has also gotten me beat up pretty badly twice. I just cant control myself when I want to say verbally hurt someones feelings. I never want to cause problems with anyone but people act bitchy to me all the time for no reason. I don’t always walk around with a smile on my face but I am just lost in my own thoughts. When someone comes at me and acts rude out of nowhere then I feel attacked and react back with whatever I am feeling at the split second. The biggest problem is I use language like the n word or the c word and I can’t stop myself but I do not actually like to use those words or feel like that. I just want to inflict maximum damage at that split second and then I cant take it back. It is the way I have been my whole life.
It sounds like you may have some anger management issues and I also sense that there may be some sort of social disorder at play since it sounds as though engaging with/relating to people is often difficult for you.
I'm afraid that I am unable to give medical advice or provide a diagnosis, but I feel that it would be worth seeing your Doctor to discuss this and look at what your options might be.
It sounds like this situation has already caused significant problems in many areas of your life and I feel that it might be a good time to get some help with this before it causes further problems.