Most nights my I wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I feel really anxious and shitty and my mouth feels like Velcro. Sometimes I am in my bed next to my wife still in my work clothes and sometimes I am on the coach or on the floor. Every night I go through this same painful realization about the booze I drank last night and I try to piece together what I did and I feel such self loathing it’s hard to explain. It hurts so much. It is the worst feeling I know. Why isn’t this enough to keep me from getting drunk again the next night? I hate myself. I do not understand.
It is truly a neurological (brain) disease. Your brain needs alcohol like it needs food or water when you have alcoholism. You cannot reason with it, it just wants what it wants.
You may need outside help with detox or an in-patient program to get to a point of abstinence. Each day you are abstinent, it gets easier to remain abstinent after the withdrawal period. The alcohol puts the part of your brain that makes decisions to sleep. This leaves the automatic parts to drive your behavior.
ASK FOR HELP! Research and find a professional in your area to help you. You deserve a life of recovery.